Christmas

This Christmas was quite different for me, it's the first Christmas without Manti here and it's also my last Christmas at home with my parents.. So there was a lot of emotion for me, the day we put up our tree and decorated the house I broke down and cried, I called my friend Mary Cate and told her how I felt and she was there for me.

I deal with my mising Manti differently than the others in my house, I try not to show just how much I miss having him here to hit me in the elbow with a spoon or pinch the under side of my arms. I don't let anyone know how badly I miss riding with him in the car and the both of us listening to his music and talking about EVERYTHING. I've barely cried about his not being here for the simple fact of I know he's doing God's work and he's out doing what he's always dreamed of..

I knew Christmas he'd be calling or skyping us, I was super excited to talk to him. I had written him a long letter the night John and I got engaged and I hadn't gotten anything from Manti about it yet so I was kinda nervously excited for him to say something about that. John was over for Christmas so I wanted him to talk to Manti as well, so when Manti finally got on skype I sat there beside John on the couch and we waited for our turn to talk to him. It felt like forever before we got to talk to him and I was going nuts, so when we finally got our turn first thing he said to me was "What the heck is that yellow thing in your hair?" I had put a yellow ribbon in my hair since it was Christmas lol. John and I stood there and talked to him a little then he said with tears in his eyes "As for your question in your letter, get married! I've prayed about it and y'all have too so go ahead and do it. I'll be there one way or another and you know it. Part of me going on my mission is so others can start and live their lives so don't feel about me not being there. I love you. But it better be in the temple or I'll kill him!"

I could barely hold my tears when he said that. I had prayed about the date to be married and I felt the one we had was right but it hurt that my brother wouldn't be there. So in my letter to him I told him how I felt, I said I wanted his honest opinion on it.

After my turn with Manti was over I turned to John hugged him and all the sudden all tear control went out the window. I cried and cried on his shoulder, I felt kinda bad for getting makeup on him but I was very glad he was there to catch me.

After a little while my parents were still talking to him and I went outside, the second my foot touched the ground I started crying again. For saddness and joy. I missed Manti so much I couldn't fight it, I thought of the fact of him not being here for Christmas and missing my wedding. Then it hit me, I'm getting married.. Holy crud monkeys I'm getting married and I have Manti's blessing on it. Wow!

As far as my Christmas goes, it was one of the best! It was sad at times but I decided to not linger on the sad but in stead relish in the good. I was with the greatest man I've ever known, I got to talk to my big brother, I was spending time with my family and we all were giving and enjoying each others company.

It may be my last Christmas at home as a Bailey, and it may've been the first Christmas without Manti, but I still count it as a great Christmas!

New Blessings

Well, since my last blog a lot has happened...

John and I go to family home evening together sometimes so a couple weeks ago he sent me a message and said he was coming, he asked if I wanted him to pick me up so I said sure and he came and got me. We went and watched a conference blip had some hot cider and then we headed home. He was tense about something but I couldn't figure it out so I just sat back and watched him.

So we're driving down this one narrow road and it was dark and slightly foggy, we're just talking and enjoying spending time together when this big buck jumped out and jumped into the side of the car, it shattered his mirror and had his window not been down it would've broken that too. Glass hit us both in the face and totally freaked me out. My nerves were fried, he was driving so I kept watching him to see if he was cut. So he said we'd make a stop and I thought we'd get out check the car and I'd check him out to make sure he wasn't bleeding.. We pulled over by the lake, where we've spent a few of our days.

He wasn't hurt and I only had a few scratchs so since our nerves were wound up so tightly we decided to walk around the lake like we normally do. He kept looking up at the sky and I asked him "Hun, whatcha looking at?" he paused for a minute then said he was looking at the starts so I stopped and looked up, the stars were bright and beautiful not a cloud in sight and the reflection off the water was breath taking.

While I'm getting lost in thougt and stars I felt John pull on my hand a little, I turned to see what he needed and he was down on his knee.. My heart pretty much stopped for a second and I ask him "John honey what are you doing?" tears filled my eyes as I looked down at him and caught to look of his eyes, he was chocked up and said after a few seconds "Mesa marry me" I was in tears. I was over joyed. I was so happy I couldn't speak, I just kissed him and cried.

He stood up and held me tight then began dancing in the beautiful glow of the moon, and at the same time cars pulled in at the lake and their head lights were on us so it was as if we had our very own spot light. As we danced he sang our song to me, our song is very sweet and special to the both of us.

After we danced I saw in his pretty green eyes the faint shimmer of tears too.

We were both beyond happy, that feeling defies all words.

It's been two weeks today since that night, and I still wake up every morning checking my hand to make sure it's not some beautiful dream. I'm over joyed to say it's not, it's reality.. I'm gonna marry the sweetest most incredible person I've ever been blessed to know. I'm gonna marry my best friend in the temple and be able to have him with me for eternity. Every day no matter what hard ships I have to deal with, no matter the bad things that happen during my day I know that my Heavenly Father gave me this person and has given me the chance to make the right choices, so if He can trust me with such an amazing thing then John and I can make it through the dark days and the hard times IF we rely on the Lord and continue doing what's right. :)

I've never in my life been this happy, and I'm very grateful for this blessing! :D

A Girls Dream

A Girls Dream

October 24 2011

Oh the matters of the heart

How it becomes every girls dream,

Simply put to some

While complicated to others it does seem.

My heart it ever belongs to you

Quite simple, sweet and true.

And though miles us do separate,

I know for sight of you and the brilliant glow of your smile

Every precious moment worth the wait.

Till I'm at your side once more

The beatings of my heart sound as a lions roar!

What matters to my heart,

Is that it's yours.

My every dream sweetly lies

In those beautifully soft green eyes.

With your hand in mine,

We'll leave our past behind.

Oh the matters of the heart

Easy to see the reflection in our eyes,

Hold me close and pray this love never dies.

While simple to see for some,

Others whisper 'it's a girls dream'

But what matters to my heart

Is it ever belongs to you...

New relationships

I've had a friend for a while whom I had met at my very firt YSA thing, I thought he was cute but I was in a relationship at the time so we became pretty good friends.

As time passed we talked more and more and I started to like him, so I invited him to come down to the powwow I was going to and he actually came. We hung out and had a great time, when he went to leave I did everything I could think of to stall and keep him there because I just didn't want that day to end.

Sometime after that we started dating, he asked me a couple times to be his girlfriend and I said no because I had been so hurt in the past and I felt like I wasn't worth much so I turned him down. He knew I really liked him and was a little scared so he didn't push and we kept up our talking.

So I don't know how long we've been boyfriend-girlfriend but we very much are, our relationship isn't like others how ever.. We pray together and we read scriptures together as well, he isn't that kinda guy that has to kiss me all the time or constantly have his arm around or whatever. He's very laid back and respectful of me, he knows I don't like being touched so most of the time I grab his hand or hug him.

I find myself being completely open and honest with him, we have no secrets from each other, even on the bad things, and I for one am very glad of that.

But there's something more, it's almost impossible to explain really. I struggle to find words that come close to describing it but he makes me feel important and special, I know I matter to him and there have been times where I just needed him so he dropped everything and drove and hour and a half just to be with me for an hour or two. I know if I need him he'll be there, and that he'll be there when I just want him to be. (which is beyond awesome)

I don't know, I see myself differently with him. I have been able to look at myself in the mirror and say "hey! even with no makeup on I'm pretty!" and that is so weird to me! Me? Pretty? Yeah three months ago I couldn't say that.. The first time he called me a lady I broke down and cried... And now he lets me know every day that I'm a daughter of God and that I am a lady no matter what anyone else says. Morgan says he's turning me into a girl, hahaha.

And I in turn am always trying to boost him up and let him know how special he is, he's a convert to the church and he's so in love with the gospel. It amazes me how many times we discuss the gospel and scriptures, it's really cool when I'm able to tell my boyfriend "Verse 8 stuck out at me because.." and for him to say "Hey I liked this chapeter in Alma you should go check it out" it helps us grow closer as a couple and grow closer to our Heavenly Father as well.

There was one time I was very depressed and thinking about some things that had happened in the past and John sat there and listened to me then without a moments delay he told me to pray about it and that he would do the same and he said if I had the faith enough that my hurt would stop it'd stop. And it did.

He may be a convert but he teaches me so much and helps me realize things about the church I hadn't ever paid attention to. I love that! It's like looking at the church with another set of eyes.

Well this saturday I'm going to meet his family and have dinner with them, now normally here is where I would say that I'm completely nervous and worried but in this case it'd be a lie. I'm nothing less than excited and happy about it, he is the only memeber in his family but they sound like very nice kind hearted people. And who wouldn't want to meet the family of the person their in love with?

Our relationship is far different from anything I've ever known and many different reasons can be given for that, but what I know is that at this point in our lives we are meant to be together and that only John could make me happy in the ways that he does. What time may hold, only our Heavenly Father can reveal to us.. But for now, I enjoy the chances to get closer and spend every second getting to know him even better. Even though few know me better, and those few could only be my parents and my brother.

But between us, answers to prayers come in mysterious ways sometimes. :) Even when we don't mean to be looking for them..

I had planned to write Manti a dear john letter after he got in the feild, I made Manti a deal before he left, well it wasn't so much a deal as much as me saying "No! Not gonna happen till you get back!" so my plan was to write him a letter and basically break up with him and tell him that he was right and that I was sorry blah blah blah, well John and I started dating and I realized "oh crud, Manti was right.." and Manti being my best friend I wanted to be the one to tell him about John and I dating, so I asked everyone to not say anything till I did but somebody wrote Manti and told him about "Mesa's boyfriend" which made me a little mad because there was a very important reason I was waiting to tell him, so I get this email from Manti that said;

"I know what you've been up to ;) and if you both it's right let nno man stand your way. Not that you would anyway. ;)" and it shocked me worse than finding a snake in your sock drawr. So I wrote him back a long letter explaining most everything, but knowing how in tune with the spirit he is right now that he'd know the rest without me having to say it.

I'm still gonna dear john him, just gonna wait a bit longer so it'll catch him off guard. haha

Outta be interesting ;)

Answers to Prayers

Answers to prayers are mysterious things, sometimes they come right away and other times they come when you least expect it or sometimes you simply quit thinking about it move on and by "accident" you find the answers when you aren't looking anymore..

Last tuesday it was my turn to give the lesson in my young single adult groups family home evening and I had talked to my friend to try and come up with a topic. When I teach I like my lessons to be personal, spiritual , and thought provoking. So finding a personal topic was a little tricky. Sunday came along and I still didn't have any idea for a lesson.. I was starting to worry a little bit because everybody was depending on me to have a good lesson. So the pressure was on and I wasn't feeling the lesson planning spirit.
I had been thinking so hard on planning a lesson that I didn't pay attention to the answers I was getting pertaining to other more important matters.
I in earlier blogs I had mentioned a change I felt coming and I had somewhat an idea of what it might be but when I prayed about it, it became clear that it wasn't time for me to know yet. Annoying right?
So I began preparing of changes without a sure knowledge of what I was preparing for, saturday night I was reading with my friend who I really really liked, and I found some Scripture by accident that basically told me the answers. When I read it I fell to my knees and with tears in my eyes I prayed and asked "Is this REALLY my answer?" and I asked that if it be my answer that I know without doubt in unshakable a surety that it was my answer..
Sunday afternoon I went to a friends house to spend the day since we had a fireside later that night, and on the wall I saw the words "1st John 4:7" and that made me curious, if you know me you know my curiosity is intense so I became very antsy until I came home and read that chapter. Lots of things were on my mind that day and I kept praying over and over asking "is this really it? Am I taking what I want from this or is it really the spirit?" and I devoted my every single thought to finding out if it was me or the spirit.
Thus I got a great idea, people at church have been trying to set me up with people and have been doing all sorts of butting in concerning me and it bugged me. So I decided to do a little research on the topic of following the spirit, and give my lesson on that.
I found soo many things that I needed and that not only proved to me what I was feeling regarding my answer, but it had gotten pounded into my heart that it was indeed the spirit and not my own desires to the point that I couldn't deny what was going on.. I prepared my lesson and upon Tuesday my friend knew about my lesson and was kinda doing the same soul searching and questioning that I was, so he(hint) came to my FHE group, I was over joyed he was there because it was not only moral support but it was proof on another matter as well. As I'm giving the lesson I started to choke up in front of everyone, but not only because I'm super nervous having to talk in front of all them. But because I'm a crier, when I feel something strongly I cry, and the spirit was so strong I couldn't fight it. After all I did ask for it to be so clear even I couldn't deny it.. Guess I kinda had that coming huh..
My lesson went well and everyone said they needed. But today in stake conference one of the speakers said the same things I had in my lesson. I was blown away, after all the work I put into my lesson and the experience I had with it, they reassured it to me yet again that it really wasn't me. The kicker of that is, everyone that spoke in conference was told not to give the talk they wrote, but to follow whatever the spirit told them.. Kinda awesome isn't it? So sometimes answers come when you least expect it and sometimes when you ask for it to be unmistakably clear, it'll get proven everyday until you admit it. In my case, it's still being proven everyday. Which is awesome because it's the extra boost I need to continue following it, through the hard times.

A little bit of this and a little of that, it all adds up!

Manti is gone now, I watched him leave and I fought back my emotions to deal with it.. I came home and didn't get upset when I saw his jacket or tripped over something he left in the floor, I did really well reading a sweet note he left me and I held it together when I started work on his room.

And then, the other night I went to bed and decided I was going to read some hymns and fall asleep. I had a ton of thoughts going through my head because my best friend and I had some,... deep, conversation that was pretty intense. I was confused at MY end of the talk and my own personal feelings on the matter so I just wanted to read hymns and put it out of mind for the night. Which I did, I read the whole hymn book and put in a good movie and fell asleep..

Every now and then I have this horrible nightmare that is just a memory of something in my past that I rather not talk about, and it's a very difficult thing for me to dream all the time. Some times I wake up screaming, others I just wake up in a panic of sweat and tears. So in the middle of the night I wake up from this terrible nightmare and I grab my teddy bear(yes I sleep with a bear get over it) and I run to Manti's room like I always do, only this time I burst through the door in tears and to my surprise he's not there... I stood there for a moment remember he's on a mission and I fell to the flood and cried so much harder, I cried because I was scared and hurting, I cried because the one person who always sat there and said "It's ok your safe now" wasn't there.. I was alone in his room and knew that for two years he's not gonna be there for me to run to.
I can't tell you how much it killed me to have to realize that!

I settled down and was ok with him not being here until a couple nights later..

A guy I had some really bad battles with, who had totally trashed my self esteme and made me feel as ugly and worthless as running shoes for a snake,.. Came back and left me a voice mail, as soon as I heard his voice a freaked out because of the vile and nasty things he had sai to me before and I quickly deleted the voivemail before listening. Then I fell to my knees and prayed to have the spirit with me and that this guy would leave and never come back to my life. I sat there and cried for a long time remembering the things he called me and how horrible he made me feel about myself, so I turned to my best friend, I sent him a long email telling him what happened and since he already knew that situation because he too got accosted by this same guy, he aloud me to just talk my feelings out then he as always, prayed with me and it wass over. I've not heard from that guy since and I'm quite thankful for that, I'm also grateful that my friend was there and willing to let me just cry. He didn't have to make me feel better just let my feel what I felt and let me be ok.
Then once again I had to realize that my brother wasn't there to protect me and make me feel better. Manti's always fought for me and with me, he stood up to that guy in the past and he made me feel safe. With out Manti I've always felt kinda scared because people aren't affraid to get in my face cuss me out or try to hurt me if Manti isn't around, with Manti there is no way anyone will do that. So him being gone is really hard for me, partly because he's always been with me and he's the one person I could always count on no matter what I did and I never once felt like he didn't love me.. And partly because I safety net was knowing that he'd had my back in everything.

But, it's been over a week and I've been doing alright. I still miss him dearly but know he's doing the Lord's work and that these issues that keep popping up on me are just things to try and stand in the way of that work. I have had to completely lean on the Lord and trust him fully, so I know without a doubt that even without my big brother and protector that I'll be alright. I can and will handle what ever, with the help of the Lord so I don't need to worry. Two years is a long time when you're in the moment, but I know one day I'll look back and be like "Hey! that flew by so quickly and I wouldn't trade that time for anything"

Mission time

I've got little less than two weeks before Manti leaves for his mission, I'm still kinda feeling like it's just a dream and I don't really have to wake up from it. I mean I know he's leaving, but it still feels like it ain't happening.

I'm not really dealing with it to be honest. Mom's been a lot of that for me, and that's ok she's his mother and it's really hard for her to let any of us go.

I'm just worried that when he leaves it'll hit me harder than a ton of bricks. He's gonna be gone for a while and he's kinda starting his own life without me. And I'm a little scared of that, I don't wanna lose my big brother and I guess I'm scared that when he comes back we won't be close anymore.
To spite all that, I'm excited for him! He's serving the Lord and he's bringing people the knowledge that he loves and treasures so I'm happy he's doing what he loves.
Besides, he gets to help people the way he's helped me and after watching the missionaries in our area I know he's gonna be a great one, and he's gonna enjoy it a lot.

Two years is gonna fly by, I just know it.

Answers lead to changes

In my last blog I talked about how I felt a change coming in my life, well last saturday I had so much on my mind that Manti had asked me to unload my thoughts on him. Which of course I did because I not only needed somebody to talk to but I know that Manti will keep my secrets, give good advice and also help strengthen me where I need it(which he did) so as we talked I mentioned a dream I had had and I told him how much it troubled me because I didn't understand it.
Do you have one of those dreams where you know it's major and you know it's important but your not sure how or why? Well yeah, that dream I mentioned was and is one.
So he told me to broaden my focus and then when I figured out my question to take it to the Lord then read my scriptures.. Now I tend to doubt a lot because of my own person exeriences so I flat out asked him "will he ACTUALLY answer me this time? Will I ACTUALLY find the scriptures to help me?" he smiled and said yes.
I'm his younger sister and even though I know he's never wrong about the gosple stuff and never wrong when it comes to my life and choices, I still had to test him and prove him wrong.

I waited till everyone had gone in their own direction for the night and I locked myself in the bathroom (which is kinda where I go when I need to be alone and think) I sat behind the door like I always do and I said a prayer, I talk to Heavenly Father differently than most people. I like to him like he's right there with me and I use words that I would with my best friend.. I'm very honest and up front when I pray. So I said ok I'm testing Manti yet again, I know he believes in this and he knows I'll find my answers so I'm trusting in him. Now here's my question...
I waited there for a while till I felt confident that I wasn't getting an answer yet, then I went back about my day.
Later that night I was cleaning my room a little when I saw my scriptures and thought to myself "D&C was my favorite book in seminary, I read it twice that year.. Hmm" so I pulled open my scriptures, I had my bible open and my book of mormon. I read for a couple hours and rather enjoyed it but still didn't really have an answer. So I turned out my light and went to bed.

Sunday mom woke me up and I rushed to get ready for church, my first thought when I woke up instead of the normanl "I HATE mornings, I don't wanna be awake" My first thought was "Elder T returnes to Tonga today! haha weird dream, where's my skirt? Is that alive?" heh I had a bunch of random junk pop into my head.
So I go to church and I got my hynms ready for our lesson which was about families and temple marriage.
Now I really haven't liked being out of young womens because I feel so out of place and unwanted in my class, if my mom isn't there I sit by myself with noone on the same row or anywhere around me. So when I heard that was the lesson I was like of course it is, everyone has a wonderful husband that they married in the temple and had a bunch of children with and are so happy that their a forever family.. yeah i get it... BUT that isn't at all what they said, that's not at all what I heard and it wasn't by any means what I took home.
I was sitting there with mom and I looked down at my book and without reading anything I knew my answer, I knew just as I knew that was my mother sitting beside me!
I got home and was in a frantic hurry to read my scriptures and offer up another prayer, which I did and what I read reasured that my answer WAS my answer. So I headed outside to go think because it both scared the life out of me but it always was a lot to take in.. So I went to my little hill over looking the field and the pond and trees I sat there and cried so hard because I didn't want that answer, I didn't want it at all! I kept asking if I could change or it act like it didn't happen but then a yellow butterfly flew infront of me and I watched it land on this old dead ugly tree, I stared long and hard at the lifeless looking creature and then I felt a sudden rush of tingly comfort. Like my best friend was hugging me and telling "You need not fear, prepare for that which you know is true and you need not fear. Everything will be ok." Then the butterfly somehow regained it's life and flew away.

I fell to knees and said thank you for the understanding and comfort, that I wouldn't fear and that I would trust that everything is going to be ok. My spirits were lifted and I had an almost happiness about me.

Later after everyone went to bed mom and I were up and I asked a pretty off the wall question and she made me explain why I asked (hate when parents do that) so I told her and tried to act like I wasn't about to cry, then to my surprise she had quoted to me the things I had learned as my answer. I was so glad that she said those things because that made me feel better that she knew, and also that made it absolutely clear that it was the right and true thing.

Mom and I may not always get along perfectly without hitch, but I love when we have a moment where I can tell her "this is what I need to do or when we bond. In my mind we bonded a little that night because now I know I've got my mothers help and support in this, so I know I can prepare myself for the pretty huge change coming. And I know that she'll be there no matter how hard headed I am or how difficult this preperation is going to be.
I've got my mom, two sisters from church who are basicaly family to me, and I've got the Lord on this. So, I can do it I've got the best possible support system in the history of EVER.

So my jurney begins, no telling how far I'll travel before getting there (I have a feeling it won't be too terribly far) but will memorible and very lasting..

A change in the wind

Lately I've felt something kinda strange, I don't know how to explain it, it's kinda like the butterflies but not as sickening.
I didn't quite understand it until last night, I've been thinking about it a lot because I haven't felt like this in so long. It's almost like a feeling I had when I was with my ex-fiance, but it's sweeter.

So last night I was laying in my bed and I was thinking about all the different options and opportunities that have come up lately, I've got so many choices I'm facing and all of them are really good options.
So after I had thought about each different case and each choice I have to make I decided to say a prayer and in that prayer all I did was say thank you. I said thank you for each one of my friends, I listed them all by name and I thanked Heavenly Father for different things in my life such as the conference I attended and for my family members and for every blessing I could think of. Which turned out to be more than I thought, but I'm sure there's more than I mentioned.
After I had finished my prayer I got back in bed and watched my black lava lamp when suddenly I had the thought, something is about to change in my life. Something big and very important is about to change for me..

I don't know what, when or how but I know without a doubt that something is about to change and that it will be the right thing at the right time..

So many doors have opened for me and many more are beginning to open slowly, so I think it's safe to say to say I have no earthly idea which one of the doors I'm going to be going into but I'm rather excited to see what it'll turn out to be..
After figuring out what that feeling was, it has gotten less frustrating and more comforting and a lot more intense.

Can't wait to see what it'll be,..

"My Anchor in Adversity"

This past weekend all the YSA's in the area can a huge conference, we had a major dance, workshops and then Elder Ballard and Elder Gay (from the 70) came and spoke to us.

Friday night was the dance, there were tons of people and I had 3 friends that I pretty much stayed with and we had a blast! We danced so much and we each danced with a few guys but they didn't really play any slow songs, they only played 4 maybe 5 at the most. It was still fun though.
That night we all stayed with host families for the night and Saturday morning we went back and did our workshops all day.
The theme for the conference was "My Anchor in Adversity" pretty good theme I though, but I wasn't expecting it be SO good..

My brother has this friend, she's over here on a visa from another country and they talk ALL the time. Seriously no joke, they talk everyday! But I didn't know her all that well, we've talked a few times but not a lot.
At the conference we were rarely ever apart, we stayed together and did everything together, Friday night we both couldn't sleep because we had to sleep in the floor and it was horrible so we talked all night. We both shared some pretty deep secrets and we became very good friends, it was really nice to have somebody I could talk to face to face and who had gone through so many of the things I have.
We shared some of the same trials and hurt, so it was amazing to be have another person who understood and was willing to listen.

Saturday when the workshops started we pulled out note books and were taking notes and in our last class the teacher was very prepared. He handed everyone a little card and told them to hold onto it, as he's talking about different trials and pains then told us to each write our hardest most gut wrenching painful adversity that we've had thus far, I thought for a a second and my pin kinda already knew what to write.. I wrote it and then the teacher took all the cards tossed them in a hat and passed the hat around the room, each person was to take a card and read it.. I freaked! I didn't want anyone to read what I wrote, I got very nervous and kept looking around the room trying to figure out who got my card.
Thankfully no one read mine.. After that the teacher kept talking and he said that we should all be glad for our adversity, he talked about how pain can be a good thing that Heavenly Father isn't going to let us hurt too much.. Well when he said that I broke into tears, I though about what I wrote on my card and hoe badly I suffered and still do because of that trail, I cried so much that my two friends beside me and even my brother beside our friend noticed. My friend that I had stayed with pulled out a hanky and whipped my tears and hugged me because without asking she knew what was going through my head.

After the classes were over everybody filled the chapel to get ready for Elder Ballard, I had written a note to an R.M that was there and I had first put it on his car but it started to rain so I got it back before he did, so I gave it to my friend who took it to him, he was sitting in the row infront of me so I kinda slipped out of the room while she did it. In the hall I bumped into this older man by mistake (I was so tired I didn't even see him till I ran into his back) as he turned around I apologized then realized who it was, it was Elder Ballard! I felt bad, he asked me if I was alright then asked how I enjoyed the conference. I told him I really needed to hear what he had to say and that I was thankful for it, then I told him that my brother and I were so excited he was there that my brother was sitting there spazzing out saying "It's an apostle it's an apostle!!!" Elder Ballard laughed and said "The one with the cool leather clothes?" I said 'Yes sir that's Manti, we're native american.' He looked at me for a second and said softly "Manti..Manti, Manti Bailey? I know that name well!" my jaw dropped.. EVERYONE know him, even the apostles? Seriously?! Elder Ballard shook my hand and had to leave, as he's walking away I thought to say, "I'm Mesa by the way!" he laughed and was lost from view by his security people..

How totally AWESOME is that? The security people said he wasn't suppose to talk to anyone face to face outside the group. So I think I was pretty lucky, even if he didn't know MY name..

Talking to Elder Ballard was the most amazing part, but I've gotta say the whole conference was so spiritual and so very much what I needed to hear and feel. I NEEDED to be there! It was amazing and helped me find MY anchor in adversity.. :)

The Beauty of a Friend

I've never really thought too highly of myself, it's near impossible for me to say anything GOOD about myself even. The other night I was really depressed and down, so I was talking to my best friend who is way smarter than me. As we talked some things slipped out that I hadn't really meant to say about myself, then my friend told me to go to my mirror and tell him when I was there so I did.. As I stood there he told me to look at my reflection and tell myself I'm beautiful.. I couldn't do it, I stood there and chocked and just balled like a baby. I told him that I just couldn't do it, it was difficult to see past all the things I didn't like about myself to see if there was any beauty under it all. My eyes aren't the same color, my hair was a mess, my skin isn't smooth, my chest is too big, I have no butt. I don't really like looking into a mirror, in a picture I can have any look I chose but in a mirror I only see bad things. I see a girl with a bad past a LOT of regrets and a lot of hurt, anger, frustration and sadness. I don't see a single thing pretty. As my friend sat there with me and tried coaching me I told him I couldn't do it, I just couldn't say I was beautiful. When I was younger I remember my bishop telling me once that I was "scared of pride" I didn't say I was pretty because I didn't want to become one of those girls who was all about herself and didn't see beyond her own image. So I never said it nor thought it. Well since then I still have that problem but it's not just not wanting to become self centered, it's honestly not seeing anything beautiful about myself. My friend listened to me ramble on about how I'm afraid that no man will really love me because I'm scared that he'll see me the way I see me, then my friend being very loving and patient started to quote a primary song he said "I am a child of God, and He has sent me here" and then he changed it a little and said "You are a child of God, and He has sent you here" he kept singing the song and then he listed off all these wonderful things he see's in me. I tried to argue with him on some of the things he named but he wouldn't have it! After talking to me and being very supportive and understanding he quietly said "Mesa, look your self in the mirror and be honest with yourself." I finally was able to say that I was beautiful (though part of me doubted it) he made me repeat it a few times then I started crying again. After talking with him and then telling myself that I am beautiful, I felt a little better. I realized something in that space of time, I realized, I may not truly believe that I'm much of anything but my Heavenly Father does or else he wouldn't have sent me here to be tested and tried. He loves me and trusts me to make the right choices and to "live with Him once more" and that one day I'll find that one man who thinks I'm the most beautiful women he's seen, he'll put me on a pedestal and he'll love me no matter what. No matter I've done or have been through, he'll love me for the Daughter of God that I am and not what I can do or the way I'm shaped, he'll love me for me. So I may not think highly of myself, but someday someone will think I'm the world, but how will he know to think that if I can't even say I'm pretty?

"Who says"

Sometime I wish I could be like Davy Jones off pirates and cut out my heart!

I struggle a lot with how I feel, in the last 7 or so months I've had 9 different people jump on me and say some really ugly hurtful things. Just s tid-bit of the type of things that have been said are "Your a ugly worthless piece of trash" "Nobody will ever love a wh*** like you" I've had two of those people say "You deserve to die because your just a waste of life and everyone's time"
Well I've had things like that said to me since I was 13, yes it hurts a whole lot when people say it but I've been pretty good at trying not to listen or believe them, a few times I've even tried to prove how they were wrong.
But lately I've been dealing some hurt feelings and my past coming back at me, one night last week or the week before I sat up in my room crying because I couldn't shake the things I was thinking about. My dad heard me crying and came in to talk to me, I told him a piece of what was bothering me and he told me that whenever I start to think about it to pick up my book of Joseph Smith's personal writings, because ever since I can remember I've adored Joseph and could tell you just about anything about him.
I'm a teenage girl, I don't always listen to the advice my parents give me because of foolish teenage pride. However I really didn't want to hurt anymore so I've been taking Dad's advice this time, almost every night I pull out my big white book and I real. After that I either read some scriptures or I write in my journal. And I'm proud to say it's been helping, I don't sit there and fester on my hurt feelings or the scars left on me physically.

Yet there are times when those thoughts, memories, feelings and words come to mind and those times I just kinda look for a way to let it out because I'll get so depressed that I think deeply about doing things I shouldn't, often times I think things like "maybe everyone would be better without me, maybe I am a waste of time." and it becomes a lot harder to fight those thoughts when I remember the people who treated me badly or flat told me I wasn't worth the time.

Last night I was trying to comfort my friend who was having some issues with school and his family, he's a very good friend of mine and we help each other with our problems. So we were talking and I was trying to cheer him up and give him hope that it wasn't as bad as it seems. I even told him about a lesson I taught at my FHE with my YSA group not too long ago, I mentioned an experience I had that he already knew about and then gave him my thoughts on it. I said;" One time I did something pretty bad, I felt horrible and prayed for forgiveness and took the steps needed to move past it. But things in my life got terrible, I felt like I lost everything and I felt very dead and black inside, one night I was angry and I yelled screamed and cussed at God and I said I hated him for letting me hurt like I was, that he broke his promise that he'd never leave. I tried reaching out for him and I felt even more alone. But then I realized, he didn't leave me. Sometimes he lets us fall down and bust our knees, sometimes he has to let us hurt so that we can learn and grow. He loves us so much that he lets us learn."
So my friend and I talked a while longer and went to bed.

I woke up this morning with all those mean and hurtful things people have said, in my head. I looked in the mirror and like always I couldn't say I like who I saw. I thought to myself "I am ugly, I am worthless, I am a waste."
Everybody was gone but me and the little boys, so we're here doing chores yet again and I just have no energy, I tried to get up and do dishes but I couldn't. I folded some laundry but ended up sitting there crying like Ive done many times before.
I have a near impossible time saying anything good about myself, I just never have thought highly of myself at all. I try very hard to mask my own self thoughts, and to act differently than I feel so that those around me are burdened by me, I try to lift them up and make them smile. But today I just can't, my poor little brothers have tried to make me feel better but nothing worked.

But then there was a thought my mom said in talking to me the other night, she mentioned me reading her blog and said I needed to, so I decided I would get online and read it. I was reading it when all the sudden I started to cry again.
She quoted a song by Selena Gomez, the song says
Who says, who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me that's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful, who says?
Who says you're not star potential
Who says you're not presidential
Who says you can't be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don't pass the test
Who says you can't be the best
Who said, who said?
Would you tell me who said that, yeah
Who said

My whole life is music, and I mean my WHOLE life! So I already knew the song, but after reading moms thoughts and then those lyrics it hit me.. Lots of people have said I'm not pretty, lots of people have said I'm not worth it, but that doesn't mean it's true.. Mom's right, she's the best dang Marianna out there. So who's to tell me I'm not the perfect Me? I don't have to believe those other people who try to tear me down, because they don't know if I'm not the perfect me, they can't judge me! I'm me and that's all I'll ever be, so I don't have to feel bad that some other person(who I clearly didn't need in my life) doesn't think I'm pretty. They may think I'm worthless, but someday there will be somebody who thinks I'm worth the effort. Somebody who will love me for who I am, not the shape of my body and the things I can do, but for the Me that I am! :)



P.s. Thanks to http://wianwyan.blogspot.com/ <3 You mom!

Restless rantings yet again

Here it is yet again 4am, not sure what my hang up with 4am is, maybe it's my give up point. I don't know. All I know is my stomach is sick, I've got wayy too much on my mind and I can't sleep. I filled up my journal and didn't get hardly anything out and that is why I'm here. To hopefully get something out so that I can relieve some of my restfulness.

As kids we all can't wait to grow up, well it's yet again my birthday and I'm here to tell you that growing up isn't fun.. You get more stress, more responablity(yes I know I misspelled it and I don't care) more work, more effort, less caring, less sane and less sleep.. I don't like it. I think we should grow younger not older but hey that's just me.

Manti got his mission call yesterday an He's going to New Mexico! Everyone's all excited, well..not everyone.. When I saw over his shoulder where he was going it hit me "he'll be gone for TWO years!" I just kinda stood there you know like a zombie waiting to get shot in the head. He was so happy and giddy that I couldn't but be happy too, I mean he is my brother and all not to mention he's going on a mission to serve the Lord, how great is that?!
I got to thinking, I've never not had my Manti, he's always been there to chase the boy away, to pick me up, to teach why life sucks sometimes, my whole life the one thing I always had no matter what was my Manti. And that's how I looked at him, as MY Manti. So I was kinda sad that in september my Manti is gonna be gone and I won't have that..
I did fine with handling it until everyone went to bed and I went to write in my journal, I barely got one sentence out before I started crying, well then I had to go get some air so I sat out on the porch crying until midnight when mom made me come in.
And it's not that I don't want him to go because I'm so happy he's going and doing such a noble thing, Manti will be an amazing missionary, he's had plenty of teaching chances on me this year when I struggled. He's wanted to serve a mission his whole life so I want him to go, all I've ever really wanted for his was to be happy.
But goodness if it's not hard for me to let my Bubba go, I'm scared to death that when he comes home I won't be here or we won't be as close.. I'm absolutely terrified.
I love my brother a whole lot more than people realize, growing up I was always jealous of him because everyone loved me and noticed him. He was always happy and easy going, growing up he was always smart and funny and I wanted to be just like him. So I'm very sad that he's leaving but glad of why he's leaving. I'm so unbelievably proud that MY brother is not only willing but is eager to serve the Lord and to bring others into the church, and I'm over joyed to see him so happy about it too.
I refuse to let him see me cry about him leaving, because I don't want him to feel bad or second guess his decision. Which means I've got all these emotions and I don't know what to do with them, he's my best friend, I have 3 best friends and the other 2 are long distance friendships and he's seen every moment of most everything I've gone through so far. Keeping something from him is insanely difficult.. But he will not see my cry! I'm happy for him and with him, I just have to figure out how to be less sad that he's leaving, maybe if I can focus on getting my own room with a bed and a door...hehehe I get his room when he's gone ;)

Manti's mission is probably the biggest issue on my mind, but there is something else too.. Something that doesn't make me at all happy, I keep thinking about my exboyfriend. It's so dumb because I'm kinda interested in somebody right now and it's soo not my ex! Yet everything little thing somehow brings him up, listening to the radio a song will make me think of a time we shared or a feeling I had one time and I think to myself every time he pops in my head "Okay Mesa, stop thinking. Change subject!Forget him. Do something!!" and sometimes I just have to picture my brain being a cliff and me shoving him off of it so I can move along on the trail of life.. Yeah doesn't always work -_- but I'm trying at least.

I wanna go on vacation by myself somewhere where nobody knows my name or anything about me and I can just relax and breathe for once. To get away from everything going on that's bringing me down, but the problem with that is I can't get away from my own thoughts. So I've been trying to change my thoughts so whenever I finally get my chance to vacation and find a happy place, I'll be able to totally escape and to release not only all the hurt but the stress and anger too.

I am so tired it ain't even funny! And I know my mom won't be happy I'm here this late, but hopefully she'll understand that I just needed to unload a little bit. I know stress and emotion are difficult for her right now too, I've been so worried and stressed on how to help her as well. Sometimes I feel like a failure because I added more stress and frustration, and I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm stressed out to the absolute max so I'm not eating or sleeping and that's not helping at all(don't lecture me) but when I try to eat I get sick and I'm just not hungry at all. I can't sleep because I've got so much on my mind and on my plate that I try to work out one problem so I can sleep then I get another problem. I'm going insane and I'm not even in college yet(yes I actually can spell that word) Is this more of that growing up thing??

Is it just me or does this entry seem like a real downer? I need to change that huh?! I'm really working hard on changing how I view things, to have a more positive attitude and to be more happy instead of always seeming depressed. Maybe it's because of the new hair, which by the way I totally and completely love! So glad I did it! But for whatever reason I'm trying to be a light person and stop being so dark and distant, so wish me luck on that, I know I can do it!
In fact, I'm going to try sleeping. If I manage to get to sleep I'll only have about 3 hours or so, but that's more than nothing. So here goes!
...

Someday

Yesterday I got lost in thought, thinking about all the pressure I've been experiencing and my past and believe it or not, I was even thinking about how bright my future will be one day. Here lately I've been thinking a lot about a friend of mine (will I won't name at this time) and with all those thoughts filling my head I sat down under a tree and I wrote this.
Shortly after reading it some trouble showed up and I became extremely upset and very depressed, I reread this at 4am and realized that my day will come!

Some Day
By Mesa Bailey
July 2 2011

It may not be today
And it may not be tomorrow,
But there's a hope in me
Just trying to break free.
One day I'll hold my head up high,
I'll have him by my side
I'll look up towards the Heavens
And know everything really is alright this time.
My tears may fall,
There are times it's like I've lost it all
But I'll keep my faith.
Because that voice whispers on,
It may not be today
And it may not be tomorrow.
Yet still I know,
That day will come
I'll hold my head up high,
He'll be right there by side,
We'll look towards the heavens
And everything will be alright!
All I have to do now,
Is somehow make it through the night.
Maybe it'll be today,
Maybe it'll be tomorrow,
All I know is
My day will come!
....

The Sun Shines

I mentioned before, at least I believe I did, a poem unlike any other I had written. But in the case that I didn't mention it I'll explain it somewhat.
One of my sleepless nights I was very upset and depressed thinking about some things that perhaps I shouldn't have, I was trying to cheer up so that I might hopefully sleep so I turned on my facebook and read through some messages from a very dear friend. I can never be less than happy when I talk with him, he's my best friend and is the most helpful and sweetest person I've met so far. He and I don't talk everyday but we do talk a lot and I have most of our conversations saved because he's teaching me about his culture so I save them so that I can go back and refresh my memory I also keep them because there are many times where I need some cheering up and he's the best at doing that. Well after reading our conversations I pulled out my notebook and wrote this poem inspired by him. So this is my "The Sun Shines"

The Sun Shine

By Mesa Bailey

June 25th 2011

Sun shining down on the dew soaked grass.

The smell of sweet ceder and pine fills the air,

It's the fresh start of a new day.

The birds sing,

And the flowers all a bloom.

Take a chance to listen to our Mother Earths song

As the warm summer breeze blows through the branches of the trees,

Such a gift we forget to see.

Sad darkness of yesterday now cast away,

Chased those shadows back, into the distant hills of our memory

By the golden beams from up above

And watch Butterfly kiss the ground with her gentle wing.

It's the start of a brand new beautiful today.

So let the sun come out from it's rest,

Warming your soul with it's radiant light.

Release your burdens in the breeze,

And watch the wind carry your troubles away.

No longer will you linger in the yesterdays

But lose yourself in the start of each new day!

Feel the tender love of Mother Earth's embrace,

Close your eyes, open your heart and make ready,

For the sun shines down on the dew soaked grass

Don't be afraid,

Take that step into a new today.

.....

Over thinking?

Last night was another one of those nights where I couldn't sleep much, I had so much on my mind that I just had no real chance of resting.
Lately I've been trying to avoid thinking about a few topics, but it seems the harder I try to not think about them them more I end up thinking about not thinking.. So I pulled out my journal and while I wasn't sure where I'd start or if I've even get anything out, I put pen to paper and in less than an hour I had 10 pages filled with different rantings about what all has been going on.
I started off talking about how maddeningly frustrating some male friends of mine have been of late, see I have two fairly good male friends who I've explained my position on relationships and what not, I've told them both that I am looking for anything romantic at the present time because I've been badly hurt and I'm trying to recover and rebuild before I get into anything else and I don't want anyone getting hurt because I wasn't ready to jump into something.. Anyway, I went over it a couple times with each guy, I told them we could go on dates and stuff if and only if it were group dates. So there were a few small things planned, and then the two guys starting arguing over which one I 'belonged' to.
They both came to me and told me about the statements made by both parties, and they wanted me to say that I was with one of them..
Well, if you know me at all you should know giving me an ultimatum isn't very wise, if you give me an ultimatum it tells me things that I need to know, however in giving me one, you will not get the out come you want.. I.E. I had a guy once tell me to pick between my church and him, thinking that because I loved him I'd give up my belief and be with him and while I loved him I told him to hit the road because I won't give my what I believe and I also think that if you give me an ultimatum than you don't love me.
So, I told both of my friends that until they can mature and stop acting like children fighting some toy that I wouldn't talk to either of them. So one got mad and said some thing, the other has been worried and will message me through out the day hoping to fix things. And it's not so much that I'm angry with them, although I'm not happy, it's more that I don't belong to anyone and that I find fighting over a person who has already made their desire to not be in a relationship to be very dumb and childish. Not to mention its very stressful!

Then I talked about the researched I've been doing on Africa over the past month or two, right now I'm reading a book about the Cape Coast slave trade, I didn't think I'd find it very interesting at first, but it's very cool to see what all happened and at the same time it makes me a little upset that the value of human life was so little and meant almost nothing. Who knew history could be interesting? haha.
I've been learning so much about Africa, and most especially Ghana, it's so cool to me to see how like my native culture the people of Ghana are. It's really interesting, and I can't wait to keep learning about it too!

As you can probably see there is a lot on my mind, a lot of which I won't go into detail about. There's not enough space in the internet for it all anyhow. But I've found that getting just a little bit out at a time is quite helpful, while I still lose many nights sleep due to over thought, I'm slowly making progress towards one day perhaps having a restful full nights sleep. Ahh that'll be the day. LOL! So if ever you find that I'm on what seems like an endless rant, it's most likely a case of me over thinking and trying to unload without saying too much. :)
There is one subject that one day I'll be brave enough to discuss and get out there, but as it stands now it's still too painful and upsetting to me, although to some it would seem like nothing or not a big deal, it hurts me a lot and I think about it often. But, like I said at the beginning of my blog I'm trying to recover from it. I look forward to the day of putting him behind me, and no longer having that ache in my heart.. So anyway, not sure how I got there (most likely from lack of sleep) but when that day comes and I talk about it all, I'll no doubt be able to sleep after it. Sadly that day is not today.

Well, I think I've ranted enough for one day.. Sorry about the long rant seemingly about nothing. That happens when I don't sleep, I tend to go on about what seems like nothing but have a lot of things hidden in it. You never know what you might learn if you read between the line ;)

Study madness

I've been studying for my G.E.D. test, witch every home schooled student needs in order to get into collage in this state. I've been working my very hardest to get it and to prepare myself both mentally and emotionally, I didn't realize a year ago when I began studying for this that it would completely stress me out and drain ever ounce of energy out of my already exhausted body and emotional state! I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've sat up at night crying because of the stress and worry with my G.E.D.
Until the beginning of this month I was very confidant in myself, I've taken practises so many times I've almost got them memorized.. I was getting a 95% every time I took a test, so I didn't really have a lot of doubt. So I went to sign up for the free G.E.D. classes that teach how to take the test and they break each portion of the test down so that your more comfortable and can get the best score possible, I contacted the collage where the class was going to be held and I got things set up so they sent me a placement test. I went to take the test on line but my brothers were pestering me and I couldn't focus as well as I should've and I failed the test very terribly. The school called me and told me "We're sorry but you aren't smart enough to attend any school in Georgia, You can't take test because your home schooling didn't teach you how to test. So there's no hope." and after crying for a long time I got a little mad, what an idiotic women, so what I didn't do well on the dumb placement test, I'm not stupid, I'm pretty smart and I love to learn. So my best friend called and he asked me how things were going with school and I told him about the phone call, now my friend is very intelligent and is going to collage to become a doctor he's almost finished and also tutors people like me. He sat there and told me how I wasn't going to let that lady tell me I wasn't good enough and I was going to study harder and show her how this girl doesn't back down when she wants something as badly as I want collage.

I've knuckled down and I've been studying almost non-stop since then, I've got so many numbers going through my head it's unreal. But I'm trying and I'm GOING to get this!! There's just no other way for me to make my dreams a reality and I refuse to give up on my dreams of collage. I'm going to study cosmetology and massage therapy. :) so lots of playing, and fun experiences. I love cutting hair and doing nails (you should see my fingers sometime)

Sleepless night of too much thought

Wow, my last blog was April 19th 2010, and there is much to be said since then. However it is 3am and the only reason I'm here at all is because there is far too much on my 'simply complacated' mind for me to sleep, thusly I'm here trying to unload so that maybe if I'm lucky I'll be able to find some peace enough to sleep..

Lately I've been hearing a lot of people say "One day you'll look back at all this and you'll say to your self 'that wasn't as big a deal'" and the ever popular "Someday all these troubles and problems will seem like nothing compared to what you'll deal with later." well you know what, I'm not in the future.. I'm here now, dealing with all the things now, not later when it isn't such a problem and hurt less, I'm in it now.. I'm experencing it now, and I'm in the present not the future. So while those sayings may be well and true, I'm not to that point yet. I'd very much like to get there how ever.
The thing that really gets me is this, I'm my own person and while others may have gone through things close to what I'm going through they aren't me, they aren't Mesa and they don't have my brain nor my emotions so they can't know every point of what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong I enjoy knowing I can relate to someone out there even if their some crazy old cat lady or whatever(not saying there is an old crazy cat lady, just saying.) it's just that I have a hard time when somebody tells me "oh this is nothing I've been there." the key word here is 'there' you WERE there, I AM there... enough of that rant haha you get the point.

I've noticed in the last 6 or so months that I keep alot of my thoughts and feelings to myself because I try so hard to not add to others stress and worry that I keep it all bottled up until I melt down or somethin bad happens. I've learned that's rather selfish of me, while I'm trying to help others by not adding to their problems I'm causing problems for the people closest to me by not letting them see what's bothering me.

I heard a saying today from a friend, the saying goes "Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting that they won't" after hearing that I got to thinking, if that saying is true which I strongly believe it is, then I've only really loved two men.. There were others that I had strong feelings for but I didn't truly love them (going by that saying)
Last year I dated a guy, I fell in love with this guy, and I mean I fell in love. He became my whole entire world and I just adored him. I had known him for a while but it wasn't until we spent a lot of time at a youth conference together that I realized I liked him, so we talked alot until he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes of course and we had a fairly good relationship (so I thought) we talked everyday and we became very very close, after 9 months of us dating he asked me a very major question. He asked me if I would marry him. I was so completely in love with him that I wanted to spend my life with him, I wanted to marry him in the temple and us have a family of our own. He didn't want to tell his family right away because he said his dad would be very upset, he talked alot about his dad being a nasty hateful person(which turned out not to be the case) so we decided that since we weren't going to tell his family we wouldn't tell mine right away. We were going to wait a few months and then get our families together and tell them together. But he went and told all his friends and I had so many people I didn't know come tell me congrats.
We were engaged for a very long time, I kept asking him when could we get the families together because I was so excited and so incredibly happy I wanted them to share that with me even though my family didn't like him very much, I thought they would be happy because I was sooo happy about it! I'm telling you I loved him so very much..
Time went on and we kept talking about it, he said he couldn't tell his family till after we were married because they would try to stop us. So we came up with a simple plan, he wanted me to move away with him, get married and then tell our families. To start with I didn't like it, but I said "what the heck, I love him so it'll be ok" but things started to happen. Things were going on that were causing me a lot of problems and stress, he wasn't doing well in school he wasn't getting along with his family and so things on his side were getting pretty bad too. We talked about it and I said to him that I thought we needed to take some space to spare each other the added stress, I wanted to protect him from what I was dealing with. So we broke up but we kept contact and we talked everyday, we still told each other we loved each other everyday.
Things got better so we start talking about getting back together, then I go to a YSA dance and he was supposed to be there so I was super excited to see him. After all we both still wore our rings and everything. I got all pretty for the dance and I get up there, he's not there. I called him and didn't get an answer, I bump into his best female friend who I happen to be friends with as well and I ask her about him. She tells me that she had heard he was with a 9th grade girl not in highschool yet. So I was confused, she also told me he wasn't living with his family that he was living with a friend of mine that he hated. I called the friend and it was the absolute worst phone call of my life!
He told me that my fiance had a 9th grade girlfriend who wasn't in high school yet, and some other details I rather not mention..
Needless to mention I cried the whole rest of the night, I cried all through the dance and all through the car ride home. Did I happen to mention I car pooled there??

After that night I've often thought about him, I've not spoken to him since but I have sent him one poem that I wrote for him. It was the last thing I have said to him, when I wrote it I didn't intend to share it with anyone not even him. But it was very emotional and very much the things I felt and thought. So one night I saw him on facebook and I thought, you know what, he needs to know this. So I emailed it to him. And I said "I've written you many poems and many songs, but this my dear will be your very last." and I attached the poem. I'll post that here some other time.
He responded to my email but I never read it, he's since sent me a handful of messages and emails but I've not read any of them. I delete them as soon as I see his name. Not to be ugly or anything, but because it simply hurts far too much.
I saw the head line for one message he had sent and the subject said "I love Christine" (which by the way, he never could remember my first name he called me Christine most of the time when he'd use my full name....) when I saw him say that I thought to myself 'no you don't, you never really did love me. If you had you would've at least learned my name..'
He and I were together a total of 18 and a half months, and were about to get back together when I learned the truth..
I gave him the power to break my heart, I trusted very much that he wouldn't break it. But that meant nothing to him, if a man can't remember your name than chances are he doesn't care at all about you.
If he had loved me at all he wouldn't have lied to me like he did. Every word he had spoken to me was a lie, now before you say to your self 'hey wait a second, you don't know that EVERYTHING was a lie' I went to his family, I went to his friends, I went to everyone and I found that his age was a lie, where he was from was a lie, some of his siblings were a lie, the stories I fought and defended about his past were lies. Even his name was a lie..

He had the power to break my heart, and for whatever reason he chose to.

After almost 7 months since I learned the truth, I still hurt very much from it. I couldn't sit here and write it without crying like a child, I've struggled to write it in my journal because I can't do it without crying. It has kept me up many nights because I have so many thoughts about it that I can't rest.
It's not that I want him back or anything, because I'll tell you right I do not! I feel stupid for falling for him and getting myself so hurt, I blame myself for a lot of trails my family has gone through since then and I've hurt far more than I am able to express because of it. And it's not like I sit and try to think of him, I try every hard to not think about him or all the times we shared.
I read in a book once "You've only truly forgotten someone when you forget to be forgetting them" and that's what I've been trying to do, is to forget about him and put him out of my heart and my mind. One day I'll look back on this and I'll think 'you know what, that wasn't such a terrible thing. That was nothing at all.' but like I said, I'm not there yet.. I'm still hurting and I'm trying to get to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore.
One day I'll get there, and I'll never look back. One day...