Captive

Ok in all honesty this one is more for me than anybody else. And I like it so yeah...

Captive

By Mesa Bailey

April 19, 2010

A little broken glass and tears

That won’t ever fall.

I want to tell you the truth,

But truth is I’m nothing to you.

No amount of lies can fix me this time.

Bitterness flows like water,

Out of the mouth with a forked tongue

Your words echo as the great thunder,

Rolling across the spaces of my mind

Changing beauty into darkness,

With the cruelty of a single word!

Oh how the heart urns for the peace,

Just the sense of freedom and happiness to bring

So far out of reach it seems.

Give me a chance to prove,

I’m not what you see.

This hollow shell isn’t me!

Take the time to open your eyes,

Silence your anger and quite your hate,

These are the things that a fragile heart can’t take!

Shards of glass and bitter tears,

Hidden captive to your emptiness

You won’t open your heart to the truth

So I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere.

Weighed down beneath the lies,

Somewhere deep inside there’s a light

Fighting it’s way to the surface.

Don’t push me away like the clouds above,

Casting a shadow on the earth below

The truth I want you to know.

Sadly truth is I’m nothing at all

But a faint whisper in your sleep,

A secret held inside the stars aglow.

Holding onto the little broken glass and tears,

Things you won’t see,

That are captive in me

…..

Spilling more emotions

I'm not to good at expressing my thoughts or feelings, as I'm sure you've clearly noticed by now too there are things that can weigh pretty heavy on a teenage mind..

I try pretty hard to keep from adding stress onto my parents and everyone around me so I keep most of my thoughts, problems and feelings to my self. Which frusterates (I can't spell I know) a few people because I just never open up enough, in fact it's rare I open up at all to anyone other than Possum my dog.. I guess it's just easier to talk to him because he won't judge me or get upset when I say the wrong things, he'll love me no matter what I say or do. Not to mention I spend a lot of time out there with him and as crazy as you may think I am, he talks back to me. But he's never harsh or angry, he's always loving and tender when it comes to me. That's why it's so easy for me to just go outside and sit in the dog house with a jar of peanut butter and curl up with my big fluffy Possum and spill my heart and mind out.

I'm not trying to avoid talking to other people nor am I purposely keeping those very same thoughts and feelings from them. Sometimes it just feels like because I'm a teenager and because I'm a girl nobody takes me seriously or even truly listens. Because I'm a girl people think I'm out to get attention or cause drama. No that is not my intentions, honestly I rather just be left alone most of the time. I want to just not be noticed, but I fail terribly sometimes. Oh well.

Don't get me wrong, every now and then I enjoy feeling like I matter enough for somebody to stop and pay attention to whats going on in my world. But most of the time I just want to be aloud to be myself and not be judged or misjudged which is often the case with me.
As I've had to learn the hard way from church and well from the world, being 17 and not wanting to drink or smoke, by not having sexual relationships or dressing in jeans that are so tight u can see the tag from the outside and shirts so low cut you can tell what brand of bra I prefer, is hard. I can't tell you how many times I've been made fun of and lost friends both in and out of the church because I didn't have my first kiss till I was 16 and because I've not done other things that sadly every girl my age I know has..

I've been dating my boyfriend Indy for almost ten months now. It'll be ten months next week, but sadly we've never spent not one of the last nine month dates together, and much to my dismay we won't be able to again this month..
I see him so rarely it breaks my heart and I do everything possible when I think I might have a chance to him, sometimes things don't work out and we go a month or two without seeing each other. Then there are times like right now were we can't see each other or talk for a month. It has truly been the hardest thing I've ever gone through, I even started doubting his and my own feelings... I haven't been able to sleep since he "left" and what really drives me nuts is nobody will leave me alone!
I had to stop and ask myself some questions, such as:

1. Can I picture my life with him
2. Do I really love him or is it just a "crush"
3. Am I forcing myself to feel this way for him
4. Would we be able to attend the temple
5. How would I honestly feel about eternity with him
   

When I was praying about each question and searching the scriptures for the proper answers I also was talking to a friend, we've never met face to face but we're pretty good friends and so he offered me some advice. He said "Mesa, you have to take a step back and get out of your self and look at this from a different stand point. Put your emotions aside and let the Spirit whisper to you, if your stuck inside your self you'll never hear his voice or answers"
So I've been using this time without him to take that step back and just listen while I pray and study...

I stopped being so upset about him not being here, but I learned something. Something I didn't think I would and I had thought I already knew. People say that nothing that's worth having comes easy, that if your not willing to fight for something then it doesn't really mean anything to you. But then again those same people say that true love is the easiest thing in the world....
Well here is my confusion, if it comes easy and you don't have to fight for it then how do you know it's real?!?
My relationship isn't at all easy, sometimes it feels as if everyone is trying to pull it apart. I've thought that perhaps it was a test, the answers to prayers in a way. To see what each is willing to go through for the other.

Last month we went to a dance and we spent the whole night dancing and enjoying each others company, it was one of my favorite nights for many reasons one of which being as we danced to this one song I sang it to him and then after the song a man came up to me and shook my hand, he then said "That was the sweetest thing I have ever seen, it almost seemed like y'all were the only two on the floor. It was very clear by the look in your eyes and the sound in your voice that y'all love each other!" then as my eyes watered he gave some advice and walked away. I stood there and thought to myself who is this man and how did he see into my heart like that!
A stranger saw the way he looks at me and just knew how we both feel towards each other. Then I found out that man was a bishop of another way in a different stake. How cool is that, a bishop saw what I wish the world could see.

During this time of wondering about our feelings I read back through my journals and happened on that entry, it made me remember every detail of that night and reassured some things I've read.
I dearly wish you could see how he looks at me like he did that night!!
I miss him :/ But prom is three weeks away so I'll see him then, thank goodness.

I'm suddenly so tired. Maybe it's just the relief of getting these things off my chest and off my mind. Maybe now I can study for my ham radio test and focus more. HAHA wish me luck! I'm gonna need it I'm afraid.

~Mesa

Other Side

It's rare that I really like a poem where I attempt to rhyme. But this one I think came out well and helped me get some of my emotions.. So heres my "Other Side"

Other Side

By Mesa Bailey

April 5, 2010

Oh the words you said,

How they cut me to the core.

Should’ve stuck the path lead,

Because I swear we’ve been here before.

Took the wrong turn,

Could’ve lead my thoughts astray

Sadly the lessons we learn,

When all I want is you to stay!

Forget the lies long since past,

The way they cut like a knife.

Pray this feeling won’t last,

Heartache feels sometimes like taking a life.

All I want is you to understand,

That for you I’ll always wait.

Reaching out for you to simply touch my hand,

And hoping my love isn’t to late!

I put my trust in you,

Now don’t leave me here alone.

Because I’m no longer sure what to do

Somewhere deep inside I should’ve known!

From sea or from the land,

Don’t walk away.

Please stop and take my hand,

And listen to what my heart wants to say!

Oh the words you just said,

How they cut me to the core.

Didn’t listen to my head,

Now I know we’ve been here before..

A Prayer

Well, this is my newest poem.. Not sure why I wrote this or where it came from. It isn't the type of thing I'm normally write so even if you think it's terrible please comment so I can try to fix it.
Thanks!

A Prayer
By Mesa Bailey
March 7, 2010

Gliding through the sky,
On the wings of a dove
Sweet words uttered so softly,
Filling the open air with rays of hope
Gingerly the message it brings.
Though dark and dreary,
Our world may seem
A silver lining resting on your heavenly wing!
Open the clouds and let the whispers in
I wished on a shooting star,
Watching it fall out of view.
Lighting the night.
Fading with trails of truth,
Whisked away by my dreams
Floating above it all,
The sound of the rain,
Sweet music in the air!
Like a dream to you I’ll seem.
Resting on the cold ground below,
You took a chance.
Walking a thin line,
Both sides of truth,
Love and hate.
Oh the decisions we make!
Whisper a prayer into the night,
Right there under the moon
I’ll be by your side.
Gliding through the open air,
Until the days I’ll rest,
On the wings of a dove
My simple prayer!

Pains of Love

Well as of today Indy and I have been together for eight months. (Whoo go us!) We've had our rough patches and even took a break for a while, but we always figure a way to work it out.
A lot of people think that because we're teenagers that we're one of two things, either we're just after each others bodies (which in this case I've heard a lot!) or that we're not REALLY feeling the way we are.

Well I'm frankly tired of being treated like just because I'm 17 that I don't know how I feel. After eight months I think it's safe to say that nobody knows but me how I feel for this boy!

It's only been two weeks since he took me to the hockey game, which is was the best night ever. We spent hours just being together, even the very sucky ride to and from where we weren't aloud to sit together, was very worth it. The whole two hour car ride we barely spoke to each other so thank goodness for cell phones hahaha.
As much as I dislike valentines day, I was really wanting to spend this one with Indy. Well clearly it didn't happen, and neither did the ball which I was heart broken about. You know it wasn't really the ball that I was looking forward to, it was the fact that when I'm not with him I hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. It's like my heart just wants to quit, I don't even know to explain how I feel. I hate to admit it, but I cry so much at night when I can't sleep just because I miss him and it hurts so bad.
You can say that I'm being dramatic, but I'm not! I wish that it hurt this bad, but it does and thats the simple and plain truth.

This saturday is a valentines dance for the stake youth, I'm excited to see him and feel like I'm alive again. I can tell you now, I won't want to go home. Cause I never do when I'm with him, it's like when I'm there with him I can't stop smiling and wishing that I could be like that all the time. I get called "The Emo Loner Indian" all the time, but when I'm with him those same people say I'm more perky and bubbly. I wear a lot of black and prefer to, so that I'm not as noticed and get left ALONE. One of my young womens leaders told me I was a pretty wall flower.
But just because I wear black and leave my hair in my face doesn't mean that I'm not able to let loose and be happy.
Honestly I pretend to be a lot happier then I normally am, you can ask the kids in seminary or read my journal to find that out. I've even pretended a few times with Indy, just because I had things on my mind that I couldn't shake off. Now I'm not saying he or I are perfect, cause we're not. We both say and do things that prove that, but what couple doesn't?!

On that same note, he is perfect. He tries so hard to make me happy and comfortable. He can be so sweet and romantic sometimes, it can get me all chocked up and teary eyed. I feel so pretty and different with him, I feel so safe cause the boy is very protective of me. He won't even do anything like kiss me if he thinks it'll startle me. He even stands up to his family for me, which means more to me then you'd imagine.
He's good at making me feel like the little things that I'm so insacure (yes I know I misspelled it) about like my lips and such, are perfect. Indy knows when and how to say "your beautiful" and "I love you"
Little secret, I like it even when he calls me Catherine. Which has gotten many a person (even brothers) hit pretty hard.

When I look into his amazing hazel eyes I see things that I wish others would take the time to notice too. He'll tell you right quick that I'll sit there and stare into his eyes and have to look away and giggle. I blush so bad every time just because I see how he feels and as though you may not believe it, I listen to his heart beat while looking into his eyes. It sometimes makes me laugh how it'll change beats by what I do. What I really want is for my parents to see how he and I are around each other, and see how he'll look down at me and catch my eye and we'll just sit there until I blush and look away. I think it'd show them that what we feel is true.

I love my Indy, I really do. And I just can't stand being away from him. I've heard it said my whole life that love hurts, but I now understand what that means!
For these are the pains of love!

Missing

Missing

By Mesa Bailey

January 29. 2010

Always putting me down,

Like a piece of yesterday.

Isn’t something missing?

Burred beneath a thousand lies,

Living for the truth

But losing myself in you!

Tears like drops of the falling rain.

Washing over me now

Left alone with only the emptiness,

Such things you won’t say.

Keep holding on,

For what I don’t know!

Foolishly believed in you,

Like a dream,

You’ll slowly fade away.

It’s too late for apologies.

No longer hiding behind a smile,

Going to let the truth shine

Cause your always putting me down,

Thrown away like a piece of yesterday.

Tell me now,

Isn’t someone missing?

Insignificant and small,

You forgot my love.

Couldn’t see the burden on me,

Budded beneath a thousand lies,

If you only knew,

My tears like drops of rain fall.

Pushing you out of my heart!

Till now I’m left alone with only,

What’s missing…

Empty Prince

When I first wrote this, I didn't plan on ANYONE ever reading it. It's one that I will not explain, if you think you know... You don't! Trust me.
But anyway, here is my "Empty Prince"

Empty Prince

By Mesa Bailey

January 16, 2010

Every time I start falling,

You shove me back again.

Just when my heart starts longing,

You show me how I’m wrong.

Holding out hope,

For something that will never be.

A distant memory fading,

You and me!
Knew it was ridiculous,

When I fell for you,

My nightmare turns to reality.

Here without you now.

Always there,

Like a knight in your shining armor.

Heart breaks as you fade away,

Riding into my sunset!

The life you pieced together,

Now shattering on the ground

Cause now when I fall,

You won’t catch my heart.

Shouldn’t hold out hope,

But I can’t let you go.

The Prince of my love,

Breaker of my heart

Oh how ridiculous it seemed,

My once perfect dream!

Burning like fire,

My heart beat for you.

Now smothered in bitter truth,

I never was the princess for you!
Just when I start falling for you,

You shove me back again.

Like a knight with your armor,

You fought back my tears.

Saved me from myself

Now like a fairytale,

We end with a tear.

If only this ending were happy.

Rode in like a prince,

Now breaking my heart!

Knew this was ridiculous,

Doomed from the start!

Cause now every time I fall for you,

You shove me back again.

Forcing me into this empty reality,

Held out hope,

For far to long.

Now my prince is clearly gone.

Riding into the sunset,

My knight in his armor,

The breaker of my heart

And the prince of my love..

No longer falling for you,

Shoving myself back to reality

To face my nightmare,

Knowing I’m alone.
This lonely drifter,

Dreaming to be your princess!
So ridiculous,

To hold out hope for what will never be.

The bitter truth,

Of you and me..

Cause when I fell for you,

You shoved me back again.

Showing me the many ways this was wrong!

Like a dream,

You’ll fade away.

And I’ll face my empty prince..

Mesas dependability

My mom said that my next blog had to be about my dependability... I guess she did it because, well it's rare that I ever say anything good about myself.
Plus I went to get an interview for the temple trip I had the other night, and the man who interviewed me for some reason listed off the things he saw in me. Being dependable is one of the things he said I was.

So mom told me I had to write about how I see that I'm dependable.. Bare with me as I try to do it.
It is true that when asked to do something, like call all the Laurels (even though I'm not the president anymore) they know that I'll do it.. Normally I'll do it that night.
People ask me to watch their children because they know that I love kids and will do my very best to the best babysitter.
I guess that those who know me or watch me closely, know that when they ask me to do something I'll try my best and work my hardest to get it done.
But also, when asked to do something, it's none that I'll not say much about having to do it (although sometimes I do complain... It's not often) I tend to have that mind set that if it needs to be done, it's better for me to do it then have my parents or young woman's leaders or anyone else, deal with the problem and stress.
Which does often wear me down, But better me then the people I care about... :) It's just the way the Table is..

So I'm in my writing mood lately. I'm not quite sure where all these are coming from, but whatever. Them seem to be alright, and I'm not getting SO much hate mail. So here is "Gentle Lies"

Gentle Lies

By Mesa Bailey

January 9, 2010

Talk to me,

Tell me what I want to hear.

Reach for my hand,

Trust me with your gentle touch.

Hold me close and I promise,

It won’t be to much.

Don’t tell me your lies,

I can see right through you.

It’s written on your face.

Started so sweetly,

Now turning to fear

Don’t shatter my heart,

I’ll give you my hand.

Just tell me what I need,

Hold me in your arms.

You can see it in my eyes,

The things we’re not saying.

Emptiness between,

Filling with blank stares

Talk to me,

Tell me no more lies,

Stay here with me.

Hold me with your gentle love.

Cause I still see through you.

From an insane teenage mind

Well, after my last blog there's a few things I think I should probably say..

I don't handle my emotions well, I haven't been good at that in about three almost four years. But that is a long and highly personal story I rather not go into at this time..

Every once and while I have a break down and either get intensely angry or I'll get deeply depressed, when either of those happen I normally write to get whatever, out. But sometimes I get pushed by somebody or something and I'll totally blow up on them.. Like I did with Indy last night, I felt so bad. What happened was, I had spent the whole day cleaning and working in the house, I wasn't asked to do most of what I did. I was hurting really bad from my stomache ulcers and was worried about Indy because of things that have gone on.
Well by the end of the day I was very worn out and very tired, so I decided to take a bubble bath. Which isn't something I do a lot, so I was really hoping to be able to relax. I went and filled the tub with water and added a very nice smelling girly stuff. I told everyone I was texting I was going to be gone for a little while then put my hair up.

The water was cold, kids were yelling, my cell phone rang non stop. So there was no way I was going to relax. When I finally gave up and got out of the freezing water, I grabbed my phone to let whoever it was bothering me, have a piece of my mind... Needless to say he's not texted me today lol.
But after a few minutes Indy asked me about the message, I didn't know he had gotten too. So I told him just ignor it. Knowing he wasn't, because it was very clearly an angry message and he's a very caring person.. So when he asked a second time I kinda blew up, I felt really bad right after pushing the send button. He was nice in the way he tried to calm me down and I must have told him I was sorry ten times.
He knew I was stressing out and was tired so he politely changed the subject and we changed to subject.

Later a guy I talk to sometimes, Jacob, he went and read some poems I had posted in myspace and facebook.. He's a pretty cool guy, very southern and calls me "Ma'am" which is weird because he's my age.. But he's still cool, he was asking me about one of my poems. He said it was very emotional and worried him because it was one of my more depressed poems. I think it was "Breaking me" which I wrote about three almost four years ago...
Then he asked a question that rather shocked me, he asked me about another poem of mine.. One wrote at the same time "Breaking Me" was, one only two other people know about. My close friend Jo (who commited suicide a few months back) and my exboyfriend Zack.. Oh I forgot, my gay friend Rich read it once.. But anyway, Jacob quoted it and totally freaked me out because I burned that poem shortly after Rich read it!
He said that he was worried because that was the most emotional and the hardest thing he had ever heard, and he didn't want anything bad happening.
I kinda in a round about way explained it to him, without letting him know anything.. Then I asked him how in the world he had heard about it, I wasn't suprized to find out that Zack and told him about it when he and I were "going out" last year..

Before you jump to concusions, it was a poem that a bishop told me to write in order to get out those bottled up feelings. He had me write about four poems that said everything I was feeling and everything I thought. Then he told me to never read them again and burn them..
He was my favorite bishop because his daughter was my best friend for a while, he was also one of the people to help me over come one of the worst times of my life. Without asking any questions, knowing I'm not a person to talk about my thoughts or emotions..
He knew just enough to keep an eye on somebody.. I miss that bishop!!

So in other news, Indy asked me to go to his Cadet (think I spelled that right) ball. It's two days before valentines day. It's like a prom.. Sorta.. I have to dress up all pretty and see him in his ROTC uniform :-D I'm rather excited about going. A little nervous about it though.
Mom's got her friend from high school going to take some pictures of us all dressed up and then we're going to go and dance.. It's my first non-mormon dance... It should be pretty cool.. Haha
Just have to decide on a dress that'll make me look totally hott! See I have a hard time with self estem sometimes... Ok most of the time... So when I have to dress up I feel really,... Out of place.. So I want to feel like I'm pretty for once. With the dresses I got a while back, I think I shoud be able to do that.
I'm going to ask mom to make me up and make me look all nice and stuff (I like it when she does it. She does an awesome job!) Just hope I don't to girly!

Wow, I write to much! I think I'll shut up now.. Probably bored you to death, IF that is there is somebody other then me reading this...
TTFN
~Mesa

Invisible

I've been trying to write a really good poem, but this is what came out... Hmm...

Invisible

By Mesa Bailey

January 8, 2010

I sense there’s something missing,

From your perfect dream

Just look me in the eyes,

See the light from within.

The heart longing for you,

Seemingly invisible,

I’m left in the shadows.

Wishing on a bright silver star,

For one day you’ll see my love.

Until that blissful time,

I’ll be invisible.

Holding onto my heart,

You don’t want to see,

That I’m clearly yours!
I can see that empty space,

In your perfect fantasy

The one thing missing,

You can’t see.

Right there in front of you.

With the light in my eyes,

Just waiting to be seen

Holding onto an invisible dream!

Sensing something missing in me,

Always the one thing you won’t see.

In Time

In Time

By Mesa Bailey

January 5, 2010

Looking out at the world,
Stuck on the inside
Lost from within.

Slowly it passes me by.

Whispers in the wind,

Reminding me I’m alone.

The moons radiant light,

Washing over worlds below

Trapped beyond compare,

Life casting it’s shadow.

Frozen in wonder,

Just leave me there.

Masking the sun,

Beyond the clouds

So far out of reach!

Cause I’m looking out at the world,

Spinning around me now

Pushing it all away,

As rain dances across my face.

Frozen in time,

Waiting for you,

Sweet peace...

My madness spilling out

So I doubt anybody even reads my blog... But if I'm wrong and there IS somebody out there reading this, then just bare with me as my thoughts come out.. With no fingers pointed at anyone..

Okay, I'm 17 years old that does NOT mean that I don't have stress. Because believe it or not people I have so much stress that I have stomache ulcers, which make me throw up everything I eat. But luckly it's been five days since I threw up last. I also have gone to a teen therapist a time or two, which did no good because his advice sucked and was no help what so ever...

This is how my week has been, I broke up with my boyfriend Indy after six months and eleven days.. It totally crushed my heart and nothing has ever hurt so bad, I speant three days praying and crying like a baby. I didn't even want to put on clothes and wouldn't unless I had to.
While him and I were "taking time to think" I found out that this friend of mine (who was kinda cute and liked me) has a child and is engaged.. Made me sick at my stomache..
So I called my sister because I was hurting so bad over the break up and the reasons for the break up, that I needed her support and comfort.. Here is out the phone call went: (In tears) "Hello? Girl it's me, Mesa... We broke up. I was walking in walmart crying. I can't believe we broke up" (totally cheering) "Mesa that's great! hahaha wow, how long was that anyway? Good for you!"

How is that suppose to cheer me up? I was in tears and she cheered... Honestly it made me feel like she stabbed my already broken heart.. When we got off the phone I tossed my cell phone over across the room (easy to do it in a trailer) as I layed back on my parents bed and picked up my pin again, I hear the Hamster dance playing on my cell phone. Knowing who it was I rushed to pick it back up and whipe away my tears, it was a friend.... One I've written about before here: http://themadnessofmesa.blogspot.com/2009/08/does-that-chapter-end-or-is-it-only.html
He was on his way to pick up his date for the night but he wanted to check and make sure I was ok.. He didn't cheer when I told him about Indy and I breaking up, but he was the support I needed at the time. Since he was driving to get his date we didn't talk long, but it was long enough to make me feel better.

In four days I was asked out by guys I know a total of 28 times.. Holy cow, on one hand that made me feel good about myself. On the other it made it hurt so much more because the one I wanted, was my ex-boyfriend Indy..
After a long and very very hard four days we got back together and things have been going pretty good. Laughing and smiling more now.

So the other night I was playing around on my myspace and talking to my friend David, when I saw I had a message from a guy in my stake who I went totally nuts for a few years ago. He's the tall southern country boy, you know, he had deep brown eyes and could dance oh my gosh! But what made me stop liking him was at my first youth confrence I walked out into the hallway and found him making out, he had set me up by pretending he liked me back then leading me out into the hallway to find him locking lips with some other girl! Some jerk right. Well his message was awkward and freakish because, well here's what he said to me. "Hey beautiful! Missed you at the dance, I only went to see you... Last time I saw you, you were always around that whats his face, well until I came and got my baby from you after it. Well um can I get your cell number so I can maybe call sometime?"
BABY?!! That was HIS baby? I just found a child in the hall alone so I stopped to play with it. Turns out mister cute country boy has a two year old child and is also engaged... My problem was why in the world would he ask me for my number when he's suppost to get married soon?...

Needless to say I think men are totally confusing and have learned theres a ton of creeps in the world. LOL..

This whole week I've been missing my friend, since her suicide I've leanred who my real friends are, and more importantly who their not.. I was wishing I could talk to her and she'd give me her advice and make things make sense once again.
But insted I put all my focus into "Mesaba" my candle busisnees. Today I set up my first display in the Herb shop, I was kinda proud of my self as I stepped back to look at my work and took in the smells of some of my favorites. Now I don't look for mesaba to make a lot of money or anything, but it's kinda fun so we'll see.

It's really gotten my mind off not getting into to collage like I so badly wanted.. I'm not sure if I'll ever get into a massage collage :-( but somewhere deep inside me I'm still holding out hope for UCMT...

All things considered, my week sucked. But could've been a lot worse, Indy and I could've not gotten back together. I could've lost Possum (which came close to happening)
So as long as I learned from all this it's a good thing... Right???