Missing

Missing

By Mesa Bailey

January 29. 2010

Always putting me down,

Like a piece of yesterday.

Isn’t something missing?

Burred beneath a thousand lies,

Living for the truth

But losing myself in you!

Tears like drops of the falling rain.

Washing over me now

Left alone with only the emptiness,

Such things you won’t say.

Keep holding on,

For what I don’t know!

Foolishly believed in you,

Like a dream,

You’ll slowly fade away.

It’s too late for apologies.

No longer hiding behind a smile,

Going to let the truth shine

Cause your always putting me down,

Thrown away like a piece of yesterday.

Tell me now,

Isn’t someone missing?

Insignificant and small,

You forgot my love.

Couldn’t see the burden on me,

Budded beneath a thousand lies,

If you only knew,

My tears like drops of rain fall.

Pushing you out of my heart!

Till now I’m left alone with only,

What’s missing…

Empty Prince

When I first wrote this, I didn't plan on ANYONE ever reading it. It's one that I will not explain, if you think you know... You don't! Trust me.
But anyway, here is my "Empty Prince"

Empty Prince

By Mesa Bailey

January 16, 2010

Every time I start falling,

You shove me back again.

Just when my heart starts longing,

You show me how I’m wrong.

Holding out hope,

For something that will never be.

A distant memory fading,

You and me!
Knew it was ridiculous,

When I fell for you,

My nightmare turns to reality.

Here without you now.

Always there,

Like a knight in your shining armor.

Heart breaks as you fade away,

Riding into my sunset!

The life you pieced together,

Now shattering on the ground

Cause now when I fall,

You won’t catch my heart.

Shouldn’t hold out hope,

But I can’t let you go.

The Prince of my love,

Breaker of my heart

Oh how ridiculous it seemed,

My once perfect dream!

Burning like fire,

My heart beat for you.

Now smothered in bitter truth,

I never was the princess for you!
Just when I start falling for you,

You shove me back again.

Like a knight with your armor,

You fought back my tears.

Saved me from myself

Now like a fairytale,

We end with a tear.

If only this ending were happy.

Rode in like a prince,

Now breaking my heart!

Knew this was ridiculous,

Doomed from the start!

Cause now every time I fall for you,

You shove me back again.

Forcing me into this empty reality,

Held out hope,

For far to long.

Now my prince is clearly gone.

Riding into the sunset,

My knight in his armor,

The breaker of my heart

And the prince of my love..

No longer falling for you,

Shoving myself back to reality

To face my nightmare,

Knowing I’m alone.
This lonely drifter,

Dreaming to be your princess!
So ridiculous,

To hold out hope for what will never be.

The bitter truth,

Of you and me..

Cause when I fell for you,

You shoved me back again.

Showing me the many ways this was wrong!

Like a dream,

You’ll fade away.

And I’ll face my empty prince..

Mesas dependability

My mom said that my next blog had to be about my dependability... I guess she did it because, well it's rare that I ever say anything good about myself.
Plus I went to get an interview for the temple trip I had the other night, and the man who interviewed me for some reason listed off the things he saw in me. Being dependable is one of the things he said I was.

So mom told me I had to write about how I see that I'm dependable.. Bare with me as I try to do it.
It is true that when asked to do something, like call all the Laurels (even though I'm not the president anymore) they know that I'll do it.. Normally I'll do it that night.
People ask me to watch their children because they know that I love kids and will do my very best to the best babysitter.
I guess that those who know me or watch me closely, know that when they ask me to do something I'll try my best and work my hardest to get it done.
But also, when asked to do something, it's none that I'll not say much about having to do it (although sometimes I do complain... It's not often) I tend to have that mind set that if it needs to be done, it's better for me to do it then have my parents or young woman's leaders or anyone else, deal with the problem and stress.
Which does often wear me down, But better me then the people I care about... :) It's just the way the Table is..

So I'm in my writing mood lately. I'm not quite sure where all these are coming from, but whatever. Them seem to be alright, and I'm not getting SO much hate mail. So here is "Gentle Lies"

Gentle Lies

By Mesa Bailey

January 9, 2010

Talk to me,

Tell me what I want to hear.

Reach for my hand,

Trust me with your gentle touch.

Hold me close and I promise,

It won’t be to much.

Don’t tell me your lies,

I can see right through you.

It’s written on your face.

Started so sweetly,

Now turning to fear

Don’t shatter my heart,

I’ll give you my hand.

Just tell me what I need,

Hold me in your arms.

You can see it in my eyes,

The things we’re not saying.

Emptiness between,

Filling with blank stares

Talk to me,

Tell me no more lies,

Stay here with me.

Hold me with your gentle love.

Cause I still see through you.

From an insane teenage mind

Well, after my last blog there's a few things I think I should probably say..

I don't handle my emotions well, I haven't been good at that in about three almost four years. But that is a long and highly personal story I rather not go into at this time..

Every once and while I have a break down and either get intensely angry or I'll get deeply depressed, when either of those happen I normally write to get whatever, out. But sometimes I get pushed by somebody or something and I'll totally blow up on them.. Like I did with Indy last night, I felt so bad. What happened was, I had spent the whole day cleaning and working in the house, I wasn't asked to do most of what I did. I was hurting really bad from my stomache ulcers and was worried about Indy because of things that have gone on.
Well by the end of the day I was very worn out and very tired, so I decided to take a bubble bath. Which isn't something I do a lot, so I was really hoping to be able to relax. I went and filled the tub with water and added a very nice smelling girly stuff. I told everyone I was texting I was going to be gone for a little while then put my hair up.

The water was cold, kids were yelling, my cell phone rang non stop. So there was no way I was going to relax. When I finally gave up and got out of the freezing water, I grabbed my phone to let whoever it was bothering me, have a piece of my mind... Needless to say he's not texted me today lol.
But after a few minutes Indy asked me about the message, I didn't know he had gotten too. So I told him just ignor it. Knowing he wasn't, because it was very clearly an angry message and he's a very caring person.. So when he asked a second time I kinda blew up, I felt really bad right after pushing the send button. He was nice in the way he tried to calm me down and I must have told him I was sorry ten times.
He knew I was stressing out and was tired so he politely changed the subject and we changed to subject.

Later a guy I talk to sometimes, Jacob, he went and read some poems I had posted in myspace and facebook.. He's a pretty cool guy, very southern and calls me "Ma'am" which is weird because he's my age.. But he's still cool, he was asking me about one of my poems. He said it was very emotional and worried him because it was one of my more depressed poems. I think it was "Breaking me" which I wrote about three almost four years ago...
Then he asked a question that rather shocked me, he asked me about another poem of mine.. One wrote at the same time "Breaking Me" was, one only two other people know about. My close friend Jo (who commited suicide a few months back) and my exboyfriend Zack.. Oh I forgot, my gay friend Rich read it once.. But anyway, Jacob quoted it and totally freaked me out because I burned that poem shortly after Rich read it!
He said that he was worried because that was the most emotional and the hardest thing he had ever heard, and he didn't want anything bad happening.
I kinda in a round about way explained it to him, without letting him know anything.. Then I asked him how in the world he had heard about it, I wasn't suprized to find out that Zack and told him about it when he and I were "going out" last year..

Before you jump to concusions, it was a poem that a bishop told me to write in order to get out those bottled up feelings. He had me write about four poems that said everything I was feeling and everything I thought. Then he told me to never read them again and burn them..
He was my favorite bishop because his daughter was my best friend for a while, he was also one of the people to help me over come one of the worst times of my life. Without asking any questions, knowing I'm not a person to talk about my thoughts or emotions..
He knew just enough to keep an eye on somebody.. I miss that bishop!!

So in other news, Indy asked me to go to his Cadet (think I spelled that right) ball. It's two days before valentines day. It's like a prom.. Sorta.. I have to dress up all pretty and see him in his ROTC uniform :-D I'm rather excited about going. A little nervous about it though.
Mom's got her friend from high school going to take some pictures of us all dressed up and then we're going to go and dance.. It's my first non-mormon dance... It should be pretty cool.. Haha
Just have to decide on a dress that'll make me look totally hott! See I have a hard time with self estem sometimes... Ok most of the time... So when I have to dress up I feel really,... Out of place.. So I want to feel like I'm pretty for once. With the dresses I got a while back, I think I shoud be able to do that.
I'm going to ask mom to make me up and make me look all nice and stuff (I like it when she does it. She does an awesome job!) Just hope I don't to girly!

Wow, I write to much! I think I'll shut up now.. Probably bored you to death, IF that is there is somebody other then me reading this...
TTFN
~Mesa

Invisible

I've been trying to write a really good poem, but this is what came out... Hmm...

Invisible

By Mesa Bailey

January 8, 2010

I sense there’s something missing,

From your perfect dream

Just look me in the eyes,

See the light from within.

The heart longing for you,

Seemingly invisible,

I’m left in the shadows.

Wishing on a bright silver star,

For one day you’ll see my love.

Until that blissful time,

I’ll be invisible.

Holding onto my heart,

You don’t want to see,

That I’m clearly yours!
I can see that empty space,

In your perfect fantasy

The one thing missing,

You can’t see.

Right there in front of you.

With the light in my eyes,

Just waiting to be seen

Holding onto an invisible dream!

Sensing something missing in me,

Always the one thing you won’t see.

In Time

In Time

By Mesa Bailey

January 5, 2010

Looking out at the world,
Stuck on the inside
Lost from within.

Slowly it passes me by.

Whispers in the wind,

Reminding me I’m alone.

The moons radiant light,

Washing over worlds below

Trapped beyond compare,

Life casting it’s shadow.

Frozen in wonder,

Just leave me there.

Masking the sun,

Beyond the clouds

So far out of reach!

Cause I’m looking out at the world,

Spinning around me now

Pushing it all away,

As rain dances across my face.

Frozen in time,

Waiting for you,

Sweet peace...

My madness spilling out

So I doubt anybody even reads my blog... But if I'm wrong and there IS somebody out there reading this, then just bare with me as my thoughts come out.. With no fingers pointed at anyone..

Okay, I'm 17 years old that does NOT mean that I don't have stress. Because believe it or not people I have so much stress that I have stomache ulcers, which make me throw up everything I eat. But luckly it's been five days since I threw up last. I also have gone to a teen therapist a time or two, which did no good because his advice sucked and was no help what so ever...

This is how my week has been, I broke up with my boyfriend Indy after six months and eleven days.. It totally crushed my heart and nothing has ever hurt so bad, I speant three days praying and crying like a baby. I didn't even want to put on clothes and wouldn't unless I had to.
While him and I were "taking time to think" I found out that this friend of mine (who was kinda cute and liked me) has a child and is engaged.. Made me sick at my stomache..
So I called my sister because I was hurting so bad over the break up and the reasons for the break up, that I needed her support and comfort.. Here is out the phone call went: (In tears) "Hello? Girl it's me, Mesa... We broke up. I was walking in walmart crying. I can't believe we broke up" (totally cheering) "Mesa that's great! hahaha wow, how long was that anyway? Good for you!"

How is that suppose to cheer me up? I was in tears and she cheered... Honestly it made me feel like she stabbed my already broken heart.. When we got off the phone I tossed my cell phone over across the room (easy to do it in a trailer) as I layed back on my parents bed and picked up my pin again, I hear the Hamster dance playing on my cell phone. Knowing who it was I rushed to pick it back up and whipe away my tears, it was a friend.... One I've written about before here: http://themadnessofmesa.blogspot.com/2009/08/does-that-chapter-end-or-is-it-only.html
He was on his way to pick up his date for the night but he wanted to check and make sure I was ok.. He didn't cheer when I told him about Indy and I breaking up, but he was the support I needed at the time. Since he was driving to get his date we didn't talk long, but it was long enough to make me feel better.

In four days I was asked out by guys I know a total of 28 times.. Holy cow, on one hand that made me feel good about myself. On the other it made it hurt so much more because the one I wanted, was my ex-boyfriend Indy..
After a long and very very hard four days we got back together and things have been going pretty good. Laughing and smiling more now.

So the other night I was playing around on my myspace and talking to my friend David, when I saw I had a message from a guy in my stake who I went totally nuts for a few years ago. He's the tall southern country boy, you know, he had deep brown eyes and could dance oh my gosh! But what made me stop liking him was at my first youth confrence I walked out into the hallway and found him making out, he had set me up by pretending he liked me back then leading me out into the hallway to find him locking lips with some other girl! Some jerk right. Well his message was awkward and freakish because, well here's what he said to me. "Hey beautiful! Missed you at the dance, I only went to see you... Last time I saw you, you were always around that whats his face, well until I came and got my baby from you after it. Well um can I get your cell number so I can maybe call sometime?"
BABY?!! That was HIS baby? I just found a child in the hall alone so I stopped to play with it. Turns out mister cute country boy has a two year old child and is also engaged... My problem was why in the world would he ask me for my number when he's suppost to get married soon?...

Needless to say I think men are totally confusing and have learned theres a ton of creeps in the world. LOL..

This whole week I've been missing my friend, since her suicide I've leanred who my real friends are, and more importantly who their not.. I was wishing I could talk to her and she'd give me her advice and make things make sense once again.
But insted I put all my focus into "Mesaba" my candle busisnees. Today I set up my first display in the Herb shop, I was kinda proud of my self as I stepped back to look at my work and took in the smells of some of my favorites. Now I don't look for mesaba to make a lot of money or anything, but it's kinda fun so we'll see.

It's really gotten my mind off not getting into to collage like I so badly wanted.. I'm not sure if I'll ever get into a massage collage :-( but somewhere deep inside me I'm still holding out hope for UCMT...

All things considered, my week sucked. But could've been a lot worse, Indy and I could've not gotten back together. I could've lost Possum (which came close to happening)
So as long as I learned from all this it's a good thing... Right???