From an insane teenage mind

Well, after my last blog there's a few things I think I should probably say..

I don't handle my emotions well, I haven't been good at that in about three almost four years. But that is a long and highly personal story I rather not go into at this time..

Every once and while I have a break down and either get intensely angry or I'll get deeply depressed, when either of those happen I normally write to get whatever, out. But sometimes I get pushed by somebody or something and I'll totally blow up on them.. Like I did with Indy last night, I felt so bad. What happened was, I had spent the whole day cleaning and working in the house, I wasn't asked to do most of what I did. I was hurting really bad from my stomache ulcers and was worried about Indy because of things that have gone on.
Well by the end of the day I was very worn out and very tired, so I decided to take a bubble bath. Which isn't something I do a lot, so I was really hoping to be able to relax. I went and filled the tub with water and added a very nice smelling girly stuff. I told everyone I was texting I was going to be gone for a little while then put my hair up.

The water was cold, kids were yelling, my cell phone rang non stop. So there was no way I was going to relax. When I finally gave up and got out of the freezing water, I grabbed my phone to let whoever it was bothering me, have a piece of my mind... Needless to say he's not texted me today lol.
But after a few minutes Indy asked me about the message, I didn't know he had gotten too. So I told him just ignor it. Knowing he wasn't, because it was very clearly an angry message and he's a very caring person.. So when he asked a second time I kinda blew up, I felt really bad right after pushing the send button. He was nice in the way he tried to calm me down and I must have told him I was sorry ten times.
He knew I was stressing out and was tired so he politely changed the subject and we changed to subject.

Later a guy I talk to sometimes, Jacob, he went and read some poems I had posted in myspace and facebook.. He's a pretty cool guy, very southern and calls me "Ma'am" which is weird because he's my age.. But he's still cool, he was asking me about one of my poems. He said it was very emotional and worried him because it was one of my more depressed poems. I think it was "Breaking me" which I wrote about three almost four years ago...
Then he asked a question that rather shocked me, he asked me about another poem of mine.. One wrote at the same time "Breaking Me" was, one only two other people know about. My close friend Jo (who commited suicide a few months back) and my exboyfriend Zack.. Oh I forgot, my gay friend Rich read it once.. But anyway, Jacob quoted it and totally freaked me out because I burned that poem shortly after Rich read it!
He said that he was worried because that was the most emotional and the hardest thing he had ever heard, and he didn't want anything bad happening.
I kinda in a round about way explained it to him, without letting him know anything.. Then I asked him how in the world he had heard about it, I wasn't suprized to find out that Zack and told him about it when he and I were "going out" last year..

Before you jump to concusions, it was a poem that a bishop told me to write in order to get out those bottled up feelings. He had me write about four poems that said everything I was feeling and everything I thought. Then he told me to never read them again and burn them..
He was my favorite bishop because his daughter was my best friend for a while, he was also one of the people to help me over come one of the worst times of my life. Without asking any questions, knowing I'm not a person to talk about my thoughts or emotions..
He knew just enough to keep an eye on somebody.. I miss that bishop!!

So in other news, Indy asked me to go to his Cadet (think I spelled that right) ball. It's two days before valentines day. It's like a prom.. Sorta.. I have to dress up all pretty and see him in his ROTC uniform :-D I'm rather excited about going. A little nervous about it though.
Mom's got her friend from high school going to take some pictures of us all dressed up and then we're going to go and dance.. It's my first non-mormon dance... It should be pretty cool.. Haha
Just have to decide on a dress that'll make me look totally hott! See I have a hard time with self estem sometimes... Ok most of the time... So when I have to dress up I feel really,... Out of place.. So I want to feel like I'm pretty for once. With the dresses I got a while back, I think I shoud be able to do that.
I'm going to ask mom to make me up and make me look all nice and stuff (I like it when she does it. She does an awesome job!) Just hope I don't to girly!

Wow, I write to much! I think I'll shut up now.. Probably bored you to death, IF that is there is somebody other then me reading this...
TTFN
~Mesa