Captive

Ok in all honesty this one is more for me than anybody else. And I like it so yeah...

Captive

By Mesa Bailey

April 19, 2010

A little broken glass and tears

That won’t ever fall.

I want to tell you the truth,

But truth is I’m nothing to you.

No amount of lies can fix me this time.

Bitterness flows like water,

Out of the mouth with a forked tongue

Your words echo as the great thunder,

Rolling across the spaces of my mind

Changing beauty into darkness,

With the cruelty of a single word!

Oh how the heart urns for the peace,

Just the sense of freedom and happiness to bring

So far out of reach it seems.

Give me a chance to prove,

I’m not what you see.

This hollow shell isn’t me!

Take the time to open your eyes,

Silence your anger and quite your hate,

These are the things that a fragile heart can’t take!

Shards of glass and bitter tears,

Hidden captive to your emptiness

You won’t open your heart to the truth

So I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere.

Weighed down beneath the lies,

Somewhere deep inside there’s a light

Fighting it’s way to the surface.

Don’t push me away like the clouds above,

Casting a shadow on the earth below

The truth I want you to know.

Sadly truth is I’m nothing at all

But a faint whisper in your sleep,

A secret held inside the stars aglow.

Holding onto the little broken glass and tears,

Things you won’t see,

That are captive in me

…..

Spilling more emotions

I'm not to good at expressing my thoughts or feelings, as I'm sure you've clearly noticed by now too there are things that can weigh pretty heavy on a teenage mind..

I try pretty hard to keep from adding stress onto my parents and everyone around me so I keep most of my thoughts, problems and feelings to my self. Which frusterates (I can't spell I know) a few people because I just never open up enough, in fact it's rare I open up at all to anyone other than Possum my dog.. I guess it's just easier to talk to him because he won't judge me or get upset when I say the wrong things, he'll love me no matter what I say or do. Not to mention I spend a lot of time out there with him and as crazy as you may think I am, he talks back to me. But he's never harsh or angry, he's always loving and tender when it comes to me. That's why it's so easy for me to just go outside and sit in the dog house with a jar of peanut butter and curl up with my big fluffy Possum and spill my heart and mind out.

I'm not trying to avoid talking to other people nor am I purposely keeping those very same thoughts and feelings from them. Sometimes it just feels like because I'm a teenager and because I'm a girl nobody takes me seriously or even truly listens. Because I'm a girl people think I'm out to get attention or cause drama. No that is not my intentions, honestly I rather just be left alone most of the time. I want to just not be noticed, but I fail terribly sometimes. Oh well.

Don't get me wrong, every now and then I enjoy feeling like I matter enough for somebody to stop and pay attention to whats going on in my world. But most of the time I just want to be aloud to be myself and not be judged or misjudged which is often the case with me.
As I've had to learn the hard way from church and well from the world, being 17 and not wanting to drink or smoke, by not having sexual relationships or dressing in jeans that are so tight u can see the tag from the outside and shirts so low cut you can tell what brand of bra I prefer, is hard. I can't tell you how many times I've been made fun of and lost friends both in and out of the church because I didn't have my first kiss till I was 16 and because I've not done other things that sadly every girl my age I know has..

I've been dating my boyfriend Indy for almost ten months now. It'll be ten months next week, but sadly we've never spent not one of the last nine month dates together, and much to my dismay we won't be able to again this month..
I see him so rarely it breaks my heart and I do everything possible when I think I might have a chance to him, sometimes things don't work out and we go a month or two without seeing each other. Then there are times like right now were we can't see each other or talk for a month. It has truly been the hardest thing I've ever gone through, I even started doubting his and my own feelings... I haven't been able to sleep since he "left" and what really drives me nuts is nobody will leave me alone!
I had to stop and ask myself some questions, such as:

1. Can I picture my life with him
2. Do I really love him or is it just a "crush"
3. Am I forcing myself to feel this way for him
4. Would we be able to attend the temple
5. How would I honestly feel about eternity with him
   

When I was praying about each question and searching the scriptures for the proper answers I also was talking to a friend, we've never met face to face but we're pretty good friends and so he offered me some advice. He said "Mesa, you have to take a step back and get out of your self and look at this from a different stand point. Put your emotions aside and let the Spirit whisper to you, if your stuck inside your self you'll never hear his voice or answers"
So I've been using this time without him to take that step back and just listen while I pray and study...

I stopped being so upset about him not being here, but I learned something. Something I didn't think I would and I had thought I already knew. People say that nothing that's worth having comes easy, that if your not willing to fight for something then it doesn't really mean anything to you. But then again those same people say that true love is the easiest thing in the world....
Well here is my confusion, if it comes easy and you don't have to fight for it then how do you know it's real?!?
My relationship isn't at all easy, sometimes it feels as if everyone is trying to pull it apart. I've thought that perhaps it was a test, the answers to prayers in a way. To see what each is willing to go through for the other.

Last month we went to a dance and we spent the whole night dancing and enjoying each others company, it was one of my favorite nights for many reasons one of which being as we danced to this one song I sang it to him and then after the song a man came up to me and shook my hand, he then said "That was the sweetest thing I have ever seen, it almost seemed like y'all were the only two on the floor. It was very clear by the look in your eyes and the sound in your voice that y'all love each other!" then as my eyes watered he gave some advice and walked away. I stood there and thought to myself who is this man and how did he see into my heart like that!
A stranger saw the way he looks at me and just knew how we both feel towards each other. Then I found out that man was a bishop of another way in a different stake. How cool is that, a bishop saw what I wish the world could see.

During this time of wondering about our feelings I read back through my journals and happened on that entry, it made me remember every detail of that night and reassured some things I've read.
I dearly wish you could see how he looks at me like he did that night!!
I miss him :/ But prom is three weeks away so I'll see him then, thank goodness.

I'm suddenly so tired. Maybe it's just the relief of getting these things off my chest and off my mind. Maybe now I can study for my ham radio test and focus more. HAHA wish me luck! I'm gonna need it I'm afraid.

~Mesa

Other Side

It's rare that I really like a poem where I attempt to rhyme. But this one I think came out well and helped me get some of my emotions.. So heres my "Other Side"

Other Side

By Mesa Bailey

April 5, 2010

Oh the words you said,

How they cut me to the core.

Should’ve stuck the path lead,

Because I swear we’ve been here before.

Took the wrong turn,

Could’ve lead my thoughts astray

Sadly the lessons we learn,

When all I want is you to stay!

Forget the lies long since past,

The way they cut like a knife.

Pray this feeling won’t last,

Heartache feels sometimes like taking a life.

All I want is you to understand,

That for you I’ll always wait.

Reaching out for you to simply touch my hand,

And hoping my love isn’t to late!

I put my trust in you,

Now don’t leave me here alone.

Because I’m no longer sure what to do

Somewhere deep inside I should’ve known!

From sea or from the land,

Don’t walk away.

Please stop and take my hand,

And listen to what my heart wants to say!

Oh the words you just said,

How they cut me to the core.

Didn’t listen to my head,

Now I know we’ve been here before..