I've been studying for my G.E.D. test, witch every home schooled student needs in order to get into collage in this state. I've been working my very hardest to get it and to prepare myself both mentally and emotionally, I didn't realize a year ago when I began studying for this that it would completely stress me out and drain ever ounce of energy out of my already exhausted body and emotional state! I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've sat up at night crying because of the stress and worry with my G.E.D.
Until the beginning of this month I was very confidant in myself, I've taken practises so many times I've almost got them memorized.. I was getting a 95% every time I took a test, so I didn't really have a lot of doubt. So I went to sign up for the free G.E.D. classes that teach how to take the test and they break each portion of the test down so that your more comfortable and can get the best score possible, I contacted the collage where the class was going to be held and I got things set up so they sent me a placement test. I went to take the test on line but my brothers were pestering me and I couldn't focus as well as I should've and I failed the test very terribly. The school called me and told me "We're sorry but you aren't smart enough to attend any school in Georgia, You can't take test because your home schooling didn't teach you how to test. So there's no hope." and after crying for a long time I got a little mad, what an idiotic women, so what I didn't do well on the dumb placement test, I'm not stupid, I'm pretty smart and I love to learn. So my best friend called and he asked me how things were going with school and I told him about the phone call, now my friend is very intelligent and is going to collage to become a doctor he's almost finished and also tutors people like me. He sat there and told me how I wasn't going to let that lady tell me I wasn't good enough and I was going to study harder and show her how this girl doesn't back down when she wants something as badly as I want collage.
I've knuckled down and I've been studying almost non-stop since then, I've got so many numbers going through my head it's unreal. But I'm trying and I'm GOING to get this!! There's just no other way for me to make my dreams a reality and I refuse to give up on my dreams of collage. I'm going to study cosmetology and massage therapy. :) so lots of playing, and fun experiences. I love cutting hair and doing nails (you should see my fingers sometime)
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Sleepless night of too much thought
Wow, my last blog was April 19th 2010, and there is much to be said since then. However it is 3am and the only reason I'm here at all is because there is far too much on my 'simply complacated' mind for me to sleep, thusly I'm here trying to unload so that maybe if I'm lucky I'll be able to find some peace enough to sleep..
Lately I've been hearing a lot of people say "One day you'll look back at all this and you'll say to your self 'that wasn't as big a deal'" and the ever popular "Someday all these troubles and problems will seem like nothing compared to what you'll deal with later." well you know what, I'm not in the future.. I'm here now, dealing with all the things now, not later when it isn't such a problem and hurt less, I'm in it now.. I'm experencing it now, and I'm in the present not the future. So while those sayings may be well and true, I'm not to that point yet. I'd very much like to get there how ever.
The thing that really gets me is this, I'm my own person and while others may have gone through things close to what I'm going through they aren't me, they aren't Mesa and they don't have my brain nor my emotions so they can't know every point of what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong I enjoy knowing I can relate to someone out there even if their some crazy old cat lady or whatever(not saying there is an old crazy cat lady, just saying.) it's just that I have a hard time when somebody tells me "oh this is nothing I've been there." the key word here is 'there' you WERE there, I AM there... enough of that rant haha you get the point.
The thing that really gets me is this, I'm my own person and while others may have gone through things close to what I'm going through they aren't me, they aren't Mesa and they don't have my brain nor my emotions so they can't know every point of what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong I enjoy knowing I can relate to someone out there even if their some crazy old cat lady or whatever(not saying there is an old crazy cat lady, just saying.) it's just that I have a hard time when somebody tells me "oh this is nothing I've been there." the key word here is 'there' you WERE there, I AM there... enough of that rant haha you get the point.
I've noticed in the last 6 or so months that I keep alot of my thoughts and feelings to myself because I try so hard to not add to others stress and worry that I keep it all bottled up until I melt down or somethin bad happens. I've learned that's rather selfish of me, while I'm trying to help others by not adding to their problems I'm causing problems for the people closest to me by not letting them see what's bothering me.
I heard a saying today from a friend, the saying goes "Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting that they won't" after hearing that I got to thinking, if that saying is true which I strongly believe it is, then I've only really loved two men.. There were others that I had strong feelings for but I didn't truly love them (going by that saying)
Last year I dated a guy, I fell in love with this guy, and I mean I fell in love. He became my whole entire world and I just adored him. I had known him for a while but it wasn't until we spent a lot of time at a youth conference together that I realized I liked him, so we talked alot until he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes of course and we had a fairly good relationship (so I thought) we talked everyday and we became very very close, after 9 months of us dating he asked me a very major question. He asked me if I would marry him. I was so completely in love with him that I wanted to spend my life with him, I wanted to marry him in the temple and us have a family of our own. He didn't want to tell his family right away because he said his dad would be very upset, he talked alot about his dad being a nasty hateful person(which turned out not to be the case) so we decided that since we weren't going to tell his family we wouldn't tell mine right away. We were going to wait a few months and then get our families together and tell them together. But he went and told all his friends and I had so many people I didn't know come tell me congrats.
We were engaged for a very long time, I kept asking him when could we get the families together because I was so excited and so incredibly happy I wanted them to share that with me even though my family didn't like him very much, I thought they would be happy because I was sooo happy about it! I'm telling you I loved him so very much..
Time went on and we kept talking about it, he said he couldn't tell his family till after we were married because they would try to stop us. So we came up with a simple plan, he wanted me to move away with him, get married and then tell our families. To start with I didn't like it, but I said "what the heck, I love him so it'll be ok" but things started to happen. Things were going on that were causing me a lot of problems and stress, he wasn't doing well in school he wasn't getting along with his family and so things on his side were getting pretty bad too. We talked about it and I said to him that I thought we needed to take some space to spare each other the added stress, I wanted to protect him from what I was dealing with. So we broke up but we kept contact and we talked everyday, we still told each other we loved each other everyday.
Things got better so we start talking about getting back together, then I go to a YSA dance and he was supposed to be there so I was super excited to see him. After all we both still wore our rings and everything. I got all pretty for the dance and I get up there, he's not there. I called him and didn't get an answer, I bump into his best female friend who I happen to be friends with as well and I ask her about him. She tells me that she had heard he was with a 9th grade girl not in highschool yet. So I was confused, she also told me he wasn't living with his family that he was living with a friend of mine that he hated. I called the friend and it was the absolute worst phone call of my life!
He told me that my fiance had a 9th grade girlfriend who wasn't in high school yet, and some other details I rather not mention..
Needless to mention I cried the whole rest of the night, I cried all through the dance and all through the car ride home. Did I happen to mention I car pooled there??
After that night I've often thought about him, I've not spoken to him since but I have sent him one poem that I wrote for him. It was the last thing I have said to him, when I wrote it I didn't intend to share it with anyone not even him. But it was very emotional and very much the things I felt and thought. So one night I saw him on facebook and I thought, you know what, he needs to know this. So I emailed it to him. And I said "I've written you many poems and many songs, but this my dear will be your very last." and I attached the poem. I'll post that here some other time.
He responded to my email but I never read it, he's since sent me a handful of messages and emails but I've not read any of them. I delete them as soon as I see his name. Not to be ugly or anything, but because it simply hurts far too much.
I saw the head line for one message he had sent and the subject said "I love Christine" (which by the way, he never could remember my first name he called me Christine most of the time when he'd use my full name....) when I saw him say that I thought to myself 'no you don't, you never really did love me. If you had you would've at least learned my name..'
He and I were together a total of 18 and a half months, and were about to get back together when I learned the truth..
I gave him the power to break my heart, I trusted very much that he wouldn't break it. But that meant nothing to him, if a man can't remember your name than chances are he doesn't care at all about you.
If he had loved me at all he wouldn't have lied to me like he did. Every word he had spoken to me was a lie, now before you say to your self 'hey wait a second, you don't know that EVERYTHING was a lie' I went to his family, I went to his friends, I went to everyone and I found that his age was a lie, where he was from was a lie, some of his siblings were a lie, the stories I fought and defended about his past were lies. Even his name was a lie..
He had the power to break my heart, and for whatever reason he chose to.
After almost 7 months since I learned the truth, I still hurt very much from it. I couldn't sit here and write it without crying like a child, I've struggled to write it in my journal because I can't do it without crying. It has kept me up many nights because I have so many thoughts about it that I can't rest.
It's not that I want him back or anything, because I'll tell you right I do not! I feel stupid for falling for him and getting myself so hurt, I blame myself for a lot of trails my family has gone through since then and I've hurt far more than I am able to express because of it. And it's not like I sit and try to think of him, I try every hard to not think about him or all the times we shared.
I read in a book once "You've only truly forgotten someone when you forget to be forgetting them" and that's what I've been trying to do, is to forget about him and put him out of my heart and my mind. One day I'll look back on this and I'll think 'you know what, that wasn't such a terrible thing. That was nothing at all.' but like I said, I'm not there yet.. I'm still hurting and I'm trying to get to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore.
One day I'll get there, and I'll never look back. One day...
I heard a saying today from a friend, the saying goes "Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting that they won't" after hearing that I got to thinking, if that saying is true which I strongly believe it is, then I've only really loved two men.. There were others that I had strong feelings for but I didn't truly love them (going by that saying)
Last year I dated a guy, I fell in love with this guy, and I mean I fell in love. He became my whole entire world and I just adored him. I had known him for a while but it wasn't until we spent a lot of time at a youth conference together that I realized I liked him, so we talked alot until he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes of course and we had a fairly good relationship (so I thought) we talked everyday and we became very very close, after 9 months of us dating he asked me a very major question. He asked me if I would marry him. I was so completely in love with him that I wanted to spend my life with him, I wanted to marry him in the temple and us have a family of our own. He didn't want to tell his family right away because he said his dad would be very upset, he talked alot about his dad being a nasty hateful person(which turned out not to be the case) so we decided that since we weren't going to tell his family we wouldn't tell mine right away. We were going to wait a few months and then get our families together and tell them together. But he went and told all his friends and I had so many people I didn't know come tell me congrats.
We were engaged for a very long time, I kept asking him when could we get the families together because I was so excited and so incredibly happy I wanted them to share that with me even though my family didn't like him very much, I thought they would be happy because I was sooo happy about it! I'm telling you I loved him so very much..
Time went on and we kept talking about it, he said he couldn't tell his family till after we were married because they would try to stop us. So we came up with a simple plan, he wanted me to move away with him, get married and then tell our families. To start with I didn't like it, but I said "what the heck, I love him so it'll be ok" but things started to happen. Things were going on that were causing me a lot of problems and stress, he wasn't doing well in school he wasn't getting along with his family and so things on his side were getting pretty bad too. We talked about it and I said to him that I thought we needed to take some space to spare each other the added stress, I wanted to protect him from what I was dealing with. So we broke up but we kept contact and we talked everyday, we still told each other we loved each other everyday.
Things got better so we start talking about getting back together, then I go to a YSA dance and he was supposed to be there so I was super excited to see him. After all we both still wore our rings and everything. I got all pretty for the dance and I get up there, he's not there. I called him and didn't get an answer, I bump into his best female friend who I happen to be friends with as well and I ask her about him. She tells me that she had heard he was with a 9th grade girl not in highschool yet. So I was confused, she also told me he wasn't living with his family that he was living with a friend of mine that he hated. I called the friend and it was the absolute worst phone call of my life!
He told me that my fiance had a 9th grade girlfriend who wasn't in high school yet, and some other details I rather not mention..
Needless to mention I cried the whole rest of the night, I cried all through the dance and all through the car ride home. Did I happen to mention I car pooled there??
After that night I've often thought about him, I've not spoken to him since but I have sent him one poem that I wrote for him. It was the last thing I have said to him, when I wrote it I didn't intend to share it with anyone not even him. But it was very emotional and very much the things I felt and thought. So one night I saw him on facebook and I thought, you know what, he needs to know this. So I emailed it to him. And I said "I've written you many poems and many songs, but this my dear will be your very last." and I attached the poem. I'll post that here some other time.
He responded to my email but I never read it, he's since sent me a handful of messages and emails but I've not read any of them. I delete them as soon as I see his name. Not to be ugly or anything, but because it simply hurts far too much.
I saw the head line for one message he had sent and the subject said "I love Christine" (which by the way, he never could remember my first name he called me Christine most of the time when he'd use my full name....) when I saw him say that I thought to myself 'no you don't, you never really did love me. If you had you would've at least learned my name..'
He and I were together a total of 18 and a half months, and were about to get back together when I learned the truth..
I gave him the power to break my heart, I trusted very much that he wouldn't break it. But that meant nothing to him, if a man can't remember your name than chances are he doesn't care at all about you.
If he had loved me at all he wouldn't have lied to me like he did. Every word he had spoken to me was a lie, now before you say to your self 'hey wait a second, you don't know that EVERYTHING was a lie' I went to his family, I went to his friends, I went to everyone and I found that his age was a lie, where he was from was a lie, some of his siblings were a lie, the stories I fought and defended about his past were lies. Even his name was a lie..
He had the power to break my heart, and for whatever reason he chose to.
After almost 7 months since I learned the truth, I still hurt very much from it. I couldn't sit here and write it without crying like a child, I've struggled to write it in my journal because I can't do it without crying. It has kept me up many nights because I have so many thoughts about it that I can't rest.
It's not that I want him back or anything, because I'll tell you right I do not! I feel stupid for falling for him and getting myself so hurt, I blame myself for a lot of trails my family has gone through since then and I've hurt far more than I am able to express because of it. And it's not like I sit and try to think of him, I try every hard to not think about him or all the times we shared.
I read in a book once "You've only truly forgotten someone when you forget to be forgetting them" and that's what I've been trying to do, is to forget about him and put him out of my heart and my mind. One day I'll look back on this and I'll think 'you know what, that wasn't such a terrible thing. That was nothing at all.' but like I said, I'm not there yet.. I'm still hurting and I'm trying to get to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore.
One day I'll get there, and I'll never look back. One day...
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