Over thinking?

Last night was another one of those nights where I couldn't sleep much, I had so much on my mind that I just had no real chance of resting.
Lately I've been trying to avoid thinking about a few topics, but it seems the harder I try to not think about them them more I end up thinking about not thinking.. So I pulled out my journal and while I wasn't sure where I'd start or if I've even get anything out, I put pen to paper and in less than an hour I had 10 pages filled with different rantings about what all has been going on.
I started off talking about how maddeningly frustrating some male friends of mine have been of late, see I have two fairly good male friends who I've explained my position on relationships and what not, I've told them both that I am looking for anything romantic at the present time because I've been badly hurt and I'm trying to recover and rebuild before I get into anything else and I don't want anyone getting hurt because I wasn't ready to jump into something.. Anyway, I went over it a couple times with each guy, I told them we could go on dates and stuff if and only if it were group dates. So there were a few small things planned, and then the two guys starting arguing over which one I 'belonged' to.
They both came to me and told me about the statements made by both parties, and they wanted me to say that I was with one of them..
Well, if you know me at all you should know giving me an ultimatum isn't very wise, if you give me an ultimatum it tells me things that I need to know, however in giving me one, you will not get the out come you want.. I.E. I had a guy once tell me to pick between my church and him, thinking that because I loved him I'd give up my belief and be with him and while I loved him I told him to hit the road because I won't give my what I believe and I also think that if you give me an ultimatum than you don't love me.
So, I told both of my friends that until they can mature and stop acting like children fighting some toy that I wouldn't talk to either of them. So one got mad and said some thing, the other has been worried and will message me through out the day hoping to fix things. And it's not so much that I'm angry with them, although I'm not happy, it's more that I don't belong to anyone and that I find fighting over a person who has already made their desire to not be in a relationship to be very dumb and childish. Not to mention its very stressful!

Then I talked about the researched I've been doing on Africa over the past month or two, right now I'm reading a book about the Cape Coast slave trade, I didn't think I'd find it very interesting at first, but it's very cool to see what all happened and at the same time it makes me a little upset that the value of human life was so little and meant almost nothing. Who knew history could be interesting? haha.
I've been learning so much about Africa, and most especially Ghana, it's so cool to me to see how like my native culture the people of Ghana are. It's really interesting, and I can't wait to keep learning about it too!

As you can probably see there is a lot on my mind, a lot of which I won't go into detail about. There's not enough space in the internet for it all anyhow. But I've found that getting just a little bit out at a time is quite helpful, while I still lose many nights sleep due to over thought, I'm slowly making progress towards one day perhaps having a restful full nights sleep. Ahh that'll be the day. LOL! So if ever you find that I'm on what seems like an endless rant, it's most likely a case of me over thinking and trying to unload without saying too much. :)
There is one subject that one day I'll be brave enough to discuss and get out there, but as it stands now it's still too painful and upsetting to me, although to some it would seem like nothing or not a big deal, it hurts me a lot and I think about it often. But, like I said at the beginning of my blog I'm trying to recover from it. I look forward to the day of putting him behind me, and no longer having that ache in my heart.. So anyway, not sure how I got there (most likely from lack of sleep) but when that day comes and I talk about it all, I'll no doubt be able to sleep after it. Sadly that day is not today.

Well, I think I've ranted enough for one day.. Sorry about the long rant seemingly about nothing. That happens when I don't sleep, I tend to go on about what seems like nothing but have a lot of things hidden in it. You never know what you might learn if you read between the line ;)