"Who says"

Sometime I wish I could be like Davy Jones off pirates and cut out my heart!

I struggle a lot with how I feel, in the last 7 or so months I've had 9 different people jump on me and say some really ugly hurtful things. Just s tid-bit of the type of things that have been said are "Your a ugly worthless piece of trash" "Nobody will ever love a wh*** like you" I've had two of those people say "You deserve to die because your just a waste of life and everyone's time"
Well I've had things like that said to me since I was 13, yes it hurts a whole lot when people say it but I've been pretty good at trying not to listen or believe them, a few times I've even tried to prove how they were wrong.
But lately I've been dealing some hurt feelings and my past coming back at me, one night last week or the week before I sat up in my room crying because I couldn't shake the things I was thinking about. My dad heard me crying and came in to talk to me, I told him a piece of what was bothering me and he told me that whenever I start to think about it to pick up my book of Joseph Smith's personal writings, because ever since I can remember I've adored Joseph and could tell you just about anything about him.
I'm a teenage girl, I don't always listen to the advice my parents give me because of foolish teenage pride. However I really didn't want to hurt anymore so I've been taking Dad's advice this time, almost every night I pull out my big white book and I real. After that I either read some scriptures or I write in my journal. And I'm proud to say it's been helping, I don't sit there and fester on my hurt feelings or the scars left on me physically.

Yet there are times when those thoughts, memories, feelings and words come to mind and those times I just kinda look for a way to let it out because I'll get so depressed that I think deeply about doing things I shouldn't, often times I think things like "maybe everyone would be better without me, maybe I am a waste of time." and it becomes a lot harder to fight those thoughts when I remember the people who treated me badly or flat told me I wasn't worth the time.

Last night I was trying to comfort my friend who was having some issues with school and his family, he's a very good friend of mine and we help each other with our problems. So we were talking and I was trying to cheer him up and give him hope that it wasn't as bad as it seems. I even told him about a lesson I taught at my FHE with my YSA group not too long ago, I mentioned an experience I had that he already knew about and then gave him my thoughts on it. I said;" One time I did something pretty bad, I felt horrible and prayed for forgiveness and took the steps needed to move past it. But things in my life got terrible, I felt like I lost everything and I felt very dead and black inside, one night I was angry and I yelled screamed and cussed at God and I said I hated him for letting me hurt like I was, that he broke his promise that he'd never leave. I tried reaching out for him and I felt even more alone. But then I realized, he didn't leave me. Sometimes he lets us fall down and bust our knees, sometimes he has to let us hurt so that we can learn and grow. He loves us so much that he lets us learn."
So my friend and I talked a while longer and went to bed.

I woke up this morning with all those mean and hurtful things people have said, in my head. I looked in the mirror and like always I couldn't say I like who I saw. I thought to myself "I am ugly, I am worthless, I am a waste."
Everybody was gone but me and the little boys, so we're here doing chores yet again and I just have no energy, I tried to get up and do dishes but I couldn't. I folded some laundry but ended up sitting there crying like Ive done many times before.
I have a near impossible time saying anything good about myself, I just never have thought highly of myself at all. I try very hard to mask my own self thoughts, and to act differently than I feel so that those around me are burdened by me, I try to lift them up and make them smile. But today I just can't, my poor little brothers have tried to make me feel better but nothing worked.

But then there was a thought my mom said in talking to me the other night, she mentioned me reading her blog and said I needed to, so I decided I would get online and read it. I was reading it when all the sudden I started to cry again.
She quoted a song by Selena Gomez, the song says
Who says, who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me that's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful, who says?
Who says you're not star potential
Who says you're not presidential
Who says you can't be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don't pass the test
Who says you can't be the best
Who said, who said?
Would you tell me who said that, yeah
Who said

My whole life is music, and I mean my WHOLE life! So I already knew the song, but after reading moms thoughts and then those lyrics it hit me.. Lots of people have said I'm not pretty, lots of people have said I'm not worth it, but that doesn't mean it's true.. Mom's right, she's the best dang Marianna out there. So who's to tell me I'm not the perfect Me? I don't have to believe those other people who try to tear me down, because they don't know if I'm not the perfect me, they can't judge me! I'm me and that's all I'll ever be, so I don't have to feel bad that some other person(who I clearly didn't need in my life) doesn't think I'm pretty. They may think I'm worthless, but someday there will be somebody who thinks I'm worth the effort. Somebody who will love me for who I am, not the shape of my body and the things I can do, but for the Me that I am! :)



P.s. Thanks to http://wianwyan.blogspot.com/ <3 You mom!