Restless rantings yet again

Here it is yet again 4am, not sure what my hang up with 4am is, maybe it's my give up point. I don't know. All I know is my stomach is sick, I've got wayy too much on my mind and I can't sleep. I filled up my journal and didn't get hardly anything out and that is why I'm here. To hopefully get something out so that I can relieve some of my restfulness.

As kids we all can't wait to grow up, well it's yet again my birthday and I'm here to tell you that growing up isn't fun.. You get more stress, more responablity(yes I know I misspelled it and I don't care) more work, more effort, less caring, less sane and less sleep.. I don't like it. I think we should grow younger not older but hey that's just me.

Manti got his mission call yesterday an He's going to New Mexico! Everyone's all excited, well..not everyone.. When I saw over his shoulder where he was going it hit me "he'll be gone for TWO years!" I just kinda stood there you know like a zombie waiting to get shot in the head. He was so happy and giddy that I couldn't but be happy too, I mean he is my brother and all not to mention he's going on a mission to serve the Lord, how great is that?!
I got to thinking, I've never not had my Manti, he's always been there to chase the boy away, to pick me up, to teach why life sucks sometimes, my whole life the one thing I always had no matter what was my Manti. And that's how I looked at him, as MY Manti. So I was kinda sad that in september my Manti is gonna be gone and I won't have that..
I did fine with handling it until everyone went to bed and I went to write in my journal, I barely got one sentence out before I started crying, well then I had to go get some air so I sat out on the porch crying until midnight when mom made me come in.
And it's not that I don't want him to go because I'm so happy he's going and doing such a noble thing, Manti will be an amazing missionary, he's had plenty of teaching chances on me this year when I struggled. He's wanted to serve a mission his whole life so I want him to go, all I've ever really wanted for his was to be happy.
But goodness if it's not hard for me to let my Bubba go, I'm scared to death that when he comes home I won't be here or we won't be as close.. I'm absolutely terrified.
I love my brother a whole lot more than people realize, growing up I was always jealous of him because everyone loved me and noticed him. He was always happy and easy going, growing up he was always smart and funny and I wanted to be just like him. So I'm very sad that he's leaving but glad of why he's leaving. I'm so unbelievably proud that MY brother is not only willing but is eager to serve the Lord and to bring others into the church, and I'm over joyed to see him so happy about it too.
I refuse to let him see me cry about him leaving, because I don't want him to feel bad or second guess his decision. Which means I've got all these emotions and I don't know what to do with them, he's my best friend, I have 3 best friends and the other 2 are long distance friendships and he's seen every moment of most everything I've gone through so far. Keeping something from him is insanely difficult.. But he will not see my cry! I'm happy for him and with him, I just have to figure out how to be less sad that he's leaving, maybe if I can focus on getting my own room with a bed and a door...hehehe I get his room when he's gone ;)

Manti's mission is probably the biggest issue on my mind, but there is something else too.. Something that doesn't make me at all happy, I keep thinking about my exboyfriend. It's so dumb because I'm kinda interested in somebody right now and it's soo not my ex! Yet everything little thing somehow brings him up, listening to the radio a song will make me think of a time we shared or a feeling I had one time and I think to myself every time he pops in my head "Okay Mesa, stop thinking. Change subject!Forget him. Do something!!" and sometimes I just have to picture my brain being a cliff and me shoving him off of it so I can move along on the trail of life.. Yeah doesn't always work -_- but I'm trying at least.

I wanna go on vacation by myself somewhere where nobody knows my name or anything about me and I can just relax and breathe for once. To get away from everything going on that's bringing me down, but the problem with that is I can't get away from my own thoughts. So I've been trying to change my thoughts so whenever I finally get my chance to vacation and find a happy place, I'll be able to totally escape and to release not only all the hurt but the stress and anger too.

I am so tired it ain't even funny! And I know my mom won't be happy I'm here this late, but hopefully she'll understand that I just needed to unload a little bit. I know stress and emotion are difficult for her right now too, I've been so worried and stressed on how to help her as well. Sometimes I feel like a failure because I added more stress and frustration, and I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm stressed out to the absolute max so I'm not eating or sleeping and that's not helping at all(don't lecture me) but when I try to eat I get sick and I'm just not hungry at all. I can't sleep because I've got so much on my mind and on my plate that I try to work out one problem so I can sleep then I get another problem. I'm going insane and I'm not even in college yet(yes I actually can spell that word) Is this more of that growing up thing??

Is it just me or does this entry seem like a real downer? I need to change that huh?! I'm really working hard on changing how I view things, to have a more positive attitude and to be more happy instead of always seeming depressed. Maybe it's because of the new hair, which by the way I totally and completely love! So glad I did it! But for whatever reason I'm trying to be a light person and stop being so dark and distant, so wish me luck on that, I know I can do it!
In fact, I'm going to try sleeping. If I manage to get to sleep I'll only have about 3 hours or so, but that's more than nothing. So here goes!
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