A little bit of this and a little of that, it all adds up!

Manti is gone now, I watched him leave and I fought back my emotions to deal with it.. I came home and didn't get upset when I saw his jacket or tripped over something he left in the floor, I did really well reading a sweet note he left me and I held it together when I started work on his room.

And then, the other night I went to bed and decided I was going to read some hymns and fall asleep. I had a ton of thoughts going through my head because my best friend and I had some,... deep, conversation that was pretty intense. I was confused at MY end of the talk and my own personal feelings on the matter so I just wanted to read hymns and put it out of mind for the night. Which I did, I read the whole hymn book and put in a good movie and fell asleep..

Every now and then I have this horrible nightmare that is just a memory of something in my past that I rather not talk about, and it's a very difficult thing for me to dream all the time. Some times I wake up screaming, others I just wake up in a panic of sweat and tears. So in the middle of the night I wake up from this terrible nightmare and I grab my teddy bear(yes I sleep with a bear get over it) and I run to Manti's room like I always do, only this time I burst through the door in tears and to my surprise he's not there... I stood there for a moment remember he's on a mission and I fell to the flood and cried so much harder, I cried because I was scared and hurting, I cried because the one person who always sat there and said "It's ok your safe now" wasn't there.. I was alone in his room and knew that for two years he's not gonna be there for me to run to.
I can't tell you how much it killed me to have to realize that!

I settled down and was ok with him not being here until a couple nights later..

A guy I had some really bad battles with, who had totally trashed my self esteme and made me feel as ugly and worthless as running shoes for a snake,.. Came back and left me a voice mail, as soon as I heard his voice a freaked out because of the vile and nasty things he had sai to me before and I quickly deleted the voivemail before listening. Then I fell to my knees and prayed to have the spirit with me and that this guy would leave and never come back to my life. I sat there and cried for a long time remembering the things he called me and how horrible he made me feel about myself, so I turned to my best friend, I sent him a long email telling him what happened and since he already knew that situation because he too got accosted by this same guy, he aloud me to just talk my feelings out then he as always, prayed with me and it wass over. I've not heard from that guy since and I'm quite thankful for that, I'm also grateful that my friend was there and willing to let me just cry. He didn't have to make me feel better just let my feel what I felt and let me be ok.
Then once again I had to realize that my brother wasn't there to protect me and make me feel better. Manti's always fought for me and with me, he stood up to that guy in the past and he made me feel safe. With out Manti I've always felt kinda scared because people aren't affraid to get in my face cuss me out or try to hurt me if Manti isn't around, with Manti there is no way anyone will do that. So him being gone is really hard for me, partly because he's always been with me and he's the one person I could always count on no matter what I did and I never once felt like he didn't love me.. And partly because I safety net was knowing that he'd had my back in everything.

But, it's been over a week and I've been doing alright. I still miss him dearly but know he's doing the Lord's work and that these issues that keep popping up on me are just things to try and stand in the way of that work. I have had to completely lean on the Lord and trust him fully, so I know without a doubt that even without my big brother and protector that I'll be alright. I can and will handle what ever, with the help of the Lord so I don't need to worry. Two years is a long time when you're in the moment, but I know one day I'll look back and be like "Hey! that flew by so quickly and I wouldn't trade that time for anything"