Breaking Me

Breaking me
By Mesa Bailey

No longer your here,
But my scars never leave.
Waking is so hard to do,
And it's all because of you!

I'm alone and yet your eyes,
They burn into my soul.
Searching for my broken heart,
Each tiny piece you once stole.

So close but so far away!
From all the things I have to say.

Your no longer here,
But I'm still quaking in fear.
Never going to show a tear..

The rain is falling,
I hear sweet freedom calling!
But you won't let me go,
Fearing I might show,
All my pain and sorrow.

Forever reaching for tomorrow!

Somebody wake me from me nightmare.
Because your still there.

Like Glass

You know most of the time I say I'm not going to explain my writing? Well this time I'm going to, other wise this one could seem to way different from what it really is.
Have you ever had one of those times when things add up and become to much? That's kinda how my last few weeks have been, so I sat down and tried to get some of my trapped emotions out in a none violent, peaceful way and writing is almost the only way for me to do that.
"Like Glass" is how I felt at that time, you know seemingly strong but oh so easy to break and in some ways broken. So this is what came out...

Like Glass
By Mesa Bailey
December 18, 2009

Started off so perfectly,
The simple way you loved me.
Watching as we fall apart now,
Hearts shatter like glass.
Can’t hide the tears anymore,
Because their falling like rain!
Washing over us now
It’s coming down to the truth,
The one thing you never said.
Never meant for this,
Didn’t mean for the pain!
I keep holding on,
For what I don’t know
Cause you keep letting me go.
Falling so far,
Waiting to wake from this nightmare
Reach out to me,
Pull me close and never let go!
All your lies linger now,
They fill my head with fear.
Just tell me the truth,
For once let me in
To see the side of you that’s real.
We started off so perfectly,
All the peace you gave me
Falling apart!
Broken by the words unspoken
Oh for that simple way you loved me,
So distant now it’s seems.
You stand there watching me,
As my heart shatters like glass!

Reality

Okay, somethings just don't have to be explained... How ever I'm afraid this one does, you see I'm at a point right in my life where I've got a lot to think about and deal with. To be perfectly clear and honest, this is not pointed at anyone.. I'm not real sure where it came from, but it here it is. Take what you will from it.

Reality

By Mesa Bailey

December3, 2009

Every time I reach for the sky,

Gravity pulls me back into reality.

Weight of the world crushing down,

Just praying peace to swiftly come,

All on my own,

I’m lost without you now.

The sun so out of reach,

Though despair at my feet.

Can’t always see through the dark,

But the hope of light pushing on

Because when I’m reaching for the stars,

Reality pulls me back away.

Tainted by the twisted fates,

Holding out for something true

The air so thick between us,

Rapidly filling with all we don’t say.

Weight of the world on my mind,

Praying peace to find

Just let me reach for the sky,

Defy the cruelty of this dark reality.

Comfort my soul,

Because I’m lost without you now,

Standing on my own!

Reaching for the light,

Peace so soon to find.

Every time I reach for the sky,

Gravity pulls me back to face

My reality….

Our last date

So Indy and I have been together for a while now, we have our ups and downs just like an couple. We don't really get to see each other a whole lot and it takes it's tole on me sometimes, because when I'm with him and we're laughing and talking I'm happier then I've ever been. But once we're apart my chest aches, it's like when you drink something that's hot to fast and your chest gets all hot. Only it hurts too.. It's really weird!

But this past Saturday, the 14th we were able to meet and have lunch and see a movie. I was so excited that I cleaned most of the house in just a few hours.. (See when I have a chance to see Indy I clean... A lot...)
We had talked about what to do for a couple days before we even asked our parents, so that we could say "this is what we want to do" well our plans changed a few times and I ended up deciding that we'd go out to my favorite place to eat and then go see "The Forth Kind"
Saturday morning came and I woke up and picked out something cute and got ready. Then the cat goes into labor and had some problems so I went to help her, naturally I got all nasty so I changed and rushed out the door.
Indy was meeting me at the Herb Shop, I was so excited about seeing him! When I got there I ran into the back and made sure my hair and make-up looked alright and then I just sat and waited on him. He got there and spoke to my parents for a second then dad took us over to where we had our lunch.

We got there and were the only ones there :-) we had a very enjoyable lunch then dad dropped us off at the theater, we were 45 minutes early so we got our tickets and went inside. Where once again we were the only ones there.
Since we were so early the lights were on inside the theater so we turned on some music and just sat there and talked until the movie started.
I've never jumped so much in a movie, it wasn't at all scary but the sounds would suprise me and there was a few scenes I didn't expect so I jumped.. Of course Indy would laugh every time I did lol.
Now if you knew Indy you'd know he's able to be really sweet and romantic, we were sitting there and randomly I'd look over and just stare into his pretty brown eyes. Then out of no where he quotes Shakespeare!! I was amazed, no guy (even the ones who "love" Shakespeare have never done that) as supriesed as I was, I was about to suprise him even more.
Right after he finished the quote I kissed him.. I'm very shy, to the point that sometimes I can't look at him. So me kissing him was totally unexpected!

After the movie we walked out and waited for my dad to come pick us up and take us back to Herb Shop. When we got there we helped my mom stock some of the shelves and break down boxes.
While we broke down all the boxes I made fun of him for my knife being better then his (I had more knives on me then he did hahahaha)
When he's grandmother pulled up we were both kinda sad that he had to leave, but still in a great mood from spending a few hours together.

His birthday is next week so I'm working on his birthday gift (which is amazing by the way!) because of break I get to see him soon! YAY!

Find Me

This is another that I'm not going to explain. Sometimes you can't control what comes out, example; I wanted to write a poem for my boyfriend since today is our five month anniversary (not sure if I spelled that right) you know I wanted to write something sweet and romantic.........

Find Me

By Mesa Bailey

November 18, 2009

Lost in a web of contention,

Confused and alone

Oh come and find me!
All the empty words coming back,

Stabbing like a knife.

Won’t you come and save me?

Lonely drifter

Changing with the seasons,

Yet steady in my ways.

The space between so rapidly fills,

Awkward silence

Can’t separate myself,

Come find me!

I’m waiting for the sun rise,

After this endless winter,

The flames flicker and fade.

Stuck in this web of confession
Becoming that which we despise.

Oh how empty

The world slows it seems.

Hindering the peace within

Why don’t you come?

Save this lonely drifter.

Cry out for truth,

Won’t you come and find me?!

Final Goodbye

I'm not really going to explain this one. It just kinda came out, so take from it what you will.

Final Goodbye

By Mesa Bailey

November 18, 2009

Turning away to never look back,

Seems so long ago we said goodbye.

Now you call my name,

Pull me back yet again.

Trying to escape myself,

Can’t take your eyes out of my head

Moving on with life,

A true love I’ve found.

But your not letting go!
Just want to leave it all behind me.

Take your heart,

Push it away from me.

Gathering my last hope,

Looking for the strength to leave

Set me free,

Let me go.

Leave us behind.

Black eyes burned deep into my memory.

The end is calling,

Whistling through the trees

Don’t want this anymore.

After all this time apart your still here!
Please just walk away.

Along with all your lies,

Leave my heart.

Pressing forward with a new life

Don’t hold me back,

You call my name.

Try and stop progress.

Forcing your way back into my sight

We’ve said it before,

But must say it one last time

My final Goodbye!

Reasons

This one I've debated on posting ever since I wrote it. It's one of the more personal ones, but I thought that I would share it.. Maybe prove that sometimes I do really see good in the world, and that not all my poems are the sad and dark emo stuff.

Reasons

By Mesa Bailey

November 14, 2009

I knew there was a reason,

To keep holding on

What I didn’t know was reason is you.

Woke my heart from my nightmare,

And saved me from that dreadful scare

Try and find a way to show,

That what I feel is true!
You held me in your arms

Whispered that you love me,

And gently you kissed my lips.

If I could wish on the stars,

I’d wish that tonight would never end!
I want to stay this way forever.

I feel the butterflies,

When you walk by

I see the loving look in your eye.

Slowly moving,

Dancing on a cloud

Floating high in the sky!

Lost in the beauty of your eyes,

Shinning beacons of light

All I ever wanted,

Fighting to prove what’s right.

Shut my eyes,

So my heart can see

All that your love truly dose to me!

Searching for a reason to keep on believing,

Nobody knew that my reason is you!

To The Wind

I've been having days were I just sit and write all day..
This is one of the many poems I've written lately.

To the Wind

By Mesa Bailey

November 16, 2009

Holding your hand,

I’m ready to face the world.

Looking forward to tomorrow,

Doesn’t matter what’s behind us now.

A whisper in your ear,

Sweetly carries through the wind.

The peaceful beat of your heart,

Now pounds in my head

Counting the stars,

Close enough to touch now they seem.

Hold me tight,

And make it all fade away!

The world moving so slowly,

Pulling us through

Birds singing their songs,

So high in the trees..

With you by my side,

It becomes so clear.

Because as your holding my hand,

Sweet peace fills my soul.

Quieting the screaming,

Drying the tears

I’m ready for it now.

I’m looking on to tomorrow,

It’s all so distant to us.

Lost in the moment,

As I’m looking into your eyes

A whisper in your ear,

I’ll tell you everything.

When you listen to the wind

Medicine of the Heart

By Mesa Bailey
October 15, 2009

I can feel you’re vibrant light,
As I hold you in my palm

Touch my heart with your wisdom
Guide me through this darkness,
So I might see past the web of confusion.

Spent so long in the dark,
Now I can see the sun shining so bright.

Clinging to the love you gave me,
I feel almost free.

The empty space is quickly filling now,
I’ve felt you’re warmth burning through the night.

Changing the colors of my heart,
Each drop of rain washing me away!

Holding you’re light in my hands,
Truth at my fingertips

Softly spoken words the wind sings.
Just tell me who I am,
A once distant dream unlike anything

The world it seems to lose it’s self,
Caught up in the it’s lies.

Just hold me with you’re gentile touch,
Give me the strength to try
To find myself….

Upon A Star

Upon A Star

By Mesa Bailey

September 26, 2009

Wishing on a bright silver star,

Longing to hear your sweet voice of comfort

It’s been so long since I looked into your eyes.

Sitting here searching my memory,

Thinking of a time when we were.

Wish I may, Wish I might

Just have the thing I need tonight!

Close my eyes and I can see,

Your holding me tight and I’m right back

To that place where all made such perfect since

Reaching for your hand,

So far away now!

Wishing on the beautiful star,
If only that star could bring you to me.

Until that day,

I sit here wishing upon a star

Midnight

Midnight

By Mesa Bailey

September 17, 2009



Standing alone watching the rain,

Each drop dancing across the earth.

Sounding like thunder,

His words echo in her mind.

Looking for the light in his eyes,

Seems so far behind now!

Holding back her tears

As love turns away

Left under the moon light,

Reaching for his hand

If only he’d take it and hold her close.

Can’t turn back a broken heart!

Wishing upon the stars at night,

She needs him to see how

All his lies and secrets cut like a knife!

The empty air between,

Says more then he ever would.

Searching for a sign of truth,

As the cold rain hits her face

And wakes her from her nightmare,

Only to find him with a tear stained face.

Watching him as he turns away

She holds tight to the hope of love.

Each teardrop flooding her dark eyes,

He turns his back

As she whispers her final ‘Goodbye’

Why is it that when I pour out my very heart and soul into a poem, it comes out all wrong?

Always And Forever

By Mesa Bailey

September 2, 2009

Standing there under the night sky,

That loving shine in your eye

My head resting sweetly on your shoulder,

You pull me in closer.

Your hand held tightly in mine,

The world it seems, so far behind.

Gliding across the dance floor,

You hold me tight and I fall more!

Looking deep into your eyes,

My feelings for you, is no surprise.

Your sweet voice I hear, the only sound,

Because it seems no one else is around.

Together just you and I,

Dancing under the night sky

Never want this night to end,

Our hearts it’s seems finally ready to mend.

Just to be with you,

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do.

As I lay awake in my bed,

Our night it plays sweetly in my head.

Without a word we said it all,

From this love we’ll never fall!
Now I’m sitting here lost in a dream,

To be with you, heaven it would seem.

Three simple words can be so true,

But only when I say them to you!

There’s a force I can’t hide,

It’s pulling me closer to your side.

And for some reason, I don’t know why

You say I’m the apple of your eye.

You hold me tight,

And whisper everything’s alright.

Can’t stand us to part,

You’ll always have my heart!

Always

And Forever

My date with his parents

Okay, before I tell you all the romantic details let me start where it all started.
On the 15th was a tri-stake dance and my boyfriend "Indy" had just gotten back from his trip to his mom's in Maine. So I was very excited about finally seeing him! I spent almost two weeks picking out what to wear ( I'm not normally like that) I figured out what I was going to wear about two hours before the dance.... Skipping forward...... There was a bet going on with most of the youth from our stake and some of the leaders, that he and I would sneak out and spend the whole dance making out. Well, to be honest we didn't even think about it until we heard about the bet. Once there we both moved all around the room making sure everyone saw that we never left the room. On the last song which was "Never Say Never" I was standing next to this guy I use to have a crush on and "Indy" just took my hand and took me to dance, we were under the lights and neither of us were saying a word, just looking into eachothers eyes and I got totally lost in the moment. Until he took off the chain necklace of his (Which is from his home town in Germony and is very very important to him) he moved my hair and put it on me and I gave him something that means just as much to me. He walked me to the car and we said goodnight.

Since then I've missed him like crazy and when he has ROTC and we don't get to talk, it drives me insane. We finally had a date planned and his parents told him either we find two mormon couples we BOTH know or they come with us.. We looked and looked and looked. Never found one couple that we both knew. So his dad and step mom said they'd be coming with us. Which is fine, not like we had any plans to do anything bad anyway. Friday (the day before the date) I got to thinking, these are his papents... The parents of someone who matters the world to me.. What if they don't like me? Or what if I'm not what/who they think? Oh my gosh I got so nervous that he said "Their just people" well that's fine but I don'w well with people. So I'm even more nervous. I had some what spoken with his father on the phone, and knew that he's a very teasing and playful person. No problem with that right but he's still my boyfriends father. I got so nervous I threw up....... I have NEVER in my life been that nervous.
Saturday came around and "Indy's" phone wasn't working so we hardly got to talk. I got ready and tried not to throw up again. We dicided to meet at the Herb Shop where my mom works. I sat there nervously waiting until he got there and I went out to meet his family.
We got in the car and headed to Long Horn. I hardly talk when I'm nervous so the ride was kinda quite. After his dad teased me about getting a salad, and we began to talk "Indy" reaches over and grabbs my hand. We held hands for most of the dance so I was kinda hopping he'd hold my hand on the date too. We ate our supper and drove over to the movies, we stood in line for a while when I got kinda cold and he put his arms around me (yes it was all sweet and everything) we decided to sit with his parents, which was fine. Again we had no plans to do anything so nothing to hide. As the movie started I slid over and rested my hear on his sholder and he put his arm around and I grabbed his hand. Every now and then we'd just sit there an look at eachother till I started to blush and looked away. Now we sat like that the whole movie! I totally loved it!

When the lights came on his step mom got up and shortly we did too, then all four of us walked out into the parking lot and waited for my dad and Manti to pick me up. "Indy" and I stood there and talked until I heard our dodge coming. How they knew where we were I'll nebver know cuz they pulled up right infront of us. They walked me over to the car and "Indy" gave my dad something and we hugged and said goodnight.

We were texting before either of us got out of the parking lot :-)

So even though I started off so nervous I was sick, the night went very well and I had one of the best nights of my life! I didn't say anything stupid, he's parents didn't hate me. I'd say that's a good night. I can't wait until I get to be with him again!

Sadly though we didn't get any pictures of us together. But will soon I hope :-)

My Heartaches

Well I went looking thru my poems and found this one. I really like it because it seemed to come together when I started writting.

My Heartaches
By Mesa Bailey
May 22, 2009

My heart sinks into my chest,
As I search for the words best.
I didn’t mean for this,
Got lost in the hope for bliss!But now I’m standing here alone,
If only you had known.
Waiting out side in the rain,
Wishing it would wash away the pain.
Looking into your eyes,
My words come as such a surprise.
The sorrow that I feel,
Oh the pain, it’s so real.
My heart sinks into my chest,
What are the words best?
Can’t hold back my tears,
Their drowned only by my fears!
Watching the pain in your eyes,
My own heartache is such a surprise.
The loneliness and fear,
Just knowing that your not here.
My heart sinks into my chest.
Never found the words best!

Butterfly Of My Heart

Here is one of my favorite poems, I wrote it some time ago.

Butterfly Of My Heart
By Mesa Bailey
August 22 2008

I’m going to let my hair fall down,
Sit and watch the rain,
Come around.
Each drop is a beautiful sound!
Shut my eyes,
So my heart can see
All that your love dose to me!
Take me heart and fly away,
In the clouds I’ll,
Always stay.

Just wait and see,
What the truth will be.
Just sit and wait with me!
Stand here and close your eyes,
Here’s life,
It’s your surprise!

Listen to the wind,
Let go and let your heart mend.

I’m going to let my hair fall down,
Every time,
I see the sun come around.
Watch the rays as the dance on the ground!

Shut my eyes so I can see,
The beauty that surrounds me!

Does that chapter end or is it only beginning?

Well hmm, where to start? Here I'll start with this. When I was 15 I went to a friends mission farewell and met a guy.. Didn't think anyting about him, I mean I didn't pay attention to him AT ALL... Till I started seeing him more at church and began to notice things about him, things like how his eyes shine when he smiled and the way he laughed. You know that kinda thing.
I never meant to fall for him! Never ever did I try to even like him, because well.. He was a missionary... (Yeah I know bad Mesa! Very bad Mesa)

Long story short he began to feel the same, and asked to be moved. It was really hard for the first little while and I was always thinking about him. Let me tell you, that'll drive you crazy! Little after a year later I met this other guy at a powwow, not the best guy in the world and infact he wasn't really a good guy at all. I thought Zack would help me forget about the missionary and he did a little. But six months later after a the longest relationship I've ever had things ended badly with Zack and I was hardly thinking about the missionary at all.
Then a few months later a friend of mine and I began to talk more and more and we dated some, then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, due to reasons I rather not go into at the moment I broke things off soon after a month of being together with Sean.
By then I never thought about the missionary.

Now I have another boyfriend who makes me really really REALLY happy and means to world to me, his name "Indy" well Indy isn't his real name, but you know how some people like my dad are named Thomas and go by Tom? Ok with Indy it's pretty much the same thing. So life is good and I'm happier then I've been in a long time, well then I find the poem I wrote about the missionary a few years ago and of corse that got me thinking about him. So before I finsh the story here is my poem. Ridiculous.

Ridiculous
Mesa Bailey
December 2 2007

Can’t let myself feel like this!
It’s so ridiculous.
I find I’m thinking about you,
Both day and night
But still I wonder,
Is it right?
To want to see you’re face,
Smiling back to me,
To long for you’re voice,
That’s calling my name.
This is not the same!
I feel so ridiculous,
Why do I feel like this?
Every where I turn,
I see you’re loving face.
I wonder if it’s right.
Only to prepare for the fight!
Can’t do this to myself!
Even still,
I don’t want to let you go.
Can we be?
I just don’t know.
I love for you.
I can never show!
I’m so ridiculous.
It’s so ridiculous,
To hide from this!

So it may sound really silly coming from a 15 year old girl, but that's truely how I felt. Now heres the part that throws me for a loop, I mean holy cow have I gone crazy!...

Last time I saw the missionary he came back to Georgia to tell me he was getting married. Yes that shattered my heart, I was hurt for a very long time. But a year or so later I have a good boyfriend who I care a lot about (Indy) So about a week ago guess who I see at church......... The missionary... Yeah I'm shocked and caught off guard by him being at church, I did what any normal teenager would do, I hid. I over heard him talking about why he came back and was majorly shocked. So much so I started crying.

A day or three later daddy and I are sitting on the sofa talking about well a lot of things. It was one of "those" talks, you know, and I told him about Elder Manley and we talked about him for a while. After we were done talking I went back to my chores and my cell phone rings. It wasn't the song I have set for my boyfriend or my mom, so I knew it wasn't that important. It didn't show a number, but I answered it anyway and guess who it is..... Speak of the devil, (or in my case elder) it's Elder Manley all he said was " Hello Mesa" and I dropped the phone and it shut and hung up on him. Daddy looked up at me and smiled and said "Well now, who was that?" Stunned I couldn't answer him and insted I started crying and he came and hugged me and we started laughing at his timing.

Since then I've spoken once on the phone with the Elder and learned his first name and all that stuff. He's gone back out of Georgia now and said he'd write me when he got home.

People say being a teenager is confussing. Trust me, it's VERY confussing. LOL
So my worlds been turned up side down, I'm not sure how I feel about anything anymore. Which is fine.

Only nine days until Indy comes home (which I'm very excited for!!!!) That's one thing I do know, I can't wait until he's home again and I can see him :-)

Whoa, I feel all better and kinda light headed now. So as you can see, this truely the Madness of Mesa.

Saveing Me

I'm not real big on blogging. So I'm going to put some of my poems in here for others to read and what not. Here is one I wrote last month, called "Saving Me"

Saving me
By Mesa Bailey
June 24, 2009

Just when my world was falling apart,
You swooped in and captured my heart.
Without a word you said it all,
You let me know you’ll not let me fall.
I watched you move as you walked by.
I shyly smiled when I caught your eye.
There seems to be something different in you,
I can’t help but wonder if it could be true…
You woke my heart from my nightmare,
And saved me from that dreadful scare
When I’m afraid and remembering the past,
I hear your voice so strong and fast!



It’s in the way you look at me,
Some how I get week in the knees
When you’re with me you’ll soon find,
You’re all that’s on my mind.
They days are getting longer,
But my heartbeat grows stronger.
The simple way you say my name,
Lets me know that you feel the same!Just when all fell apart
You came and gathered the pieces of my heart,
Polished till they shine,
Proud to say your love is mine.
Gladly call it from the rooftops,
Because every time you say you love me my heart stops.