"Who says"

Sometime I wish I could be like Davy Jones off pirates and cut out my heart!

I struggle a lot with how I feel, in the last 7 or so months I've had 9 different people jump on me and say some really ugly hurtful things. Just s tid-bit of the type of things that have been said are "Your a ugly worthless piece of trash" "Nobody will ever love a wh*** like you" I've had two of those people say "You deserve to die because your just a waste of life and everyone's time"
Well I've had things like that said to me since I was 13, yes it hurts a whole lot when people say it but I've been pretty good at trying not to listen or believe them, a few times I've even tried to prove how they were wrong.
But lately I've been dealing some hurt feelings and my past coming back at me, one night last week or the week before I sat up in my room crying because I couldn't shake the things I was thinking about. My dad heard me crying and came in to talk to me, I told him a piece of what was bothering me and he told me that whenever I start to think about it to pick up my book of Joseph Smith's personal writings, because ever since I can remember I've adored Joseph and could tell you just about anything about him.
I'm a teenage girl, I don't always listen to the advice my parents give me because of foolish teenage pride. However I really didn't want to hurt anymore so I've been taking Dad's advice this time, almost every night I pull out my big white book and I real. After that I either read some scriptures or I write in my journal. And I'm proud to say it's been helping, I don't sit there and fester on my hurt feelings or the scars left on me physically.

Yet there are times when those thoughts, memories, feelings and words come to mind and those times I just kinda look for a way to let it out because I'll get so depressed that I think deeply about doing things I shouldn't, often times I think things like "maybe everyone would be better without me, maybe I am a waste of time." and it becomes a lot harder to fight those thoughts when I remember the people who treated me badly or flat told me I wasn't worth the time.

Last night I was trying to comfort my friend who was having some issues with school and his family, he's a very good friend of mine and we help each other with our problems. So we were talking and I was trying to cheer him up and give him hope that it wasn't as bad as it seems. I even told him about a lesson I taught at my FHE with my YSA group not too long ago, I mentioned an experience I had that he already knew about and then gave him my thoughts on it. I said;" One time I did something pretty bad, I felt horrible and prayed for forgiveness and took the steps needed to move past it. But things in my life got terrible, I felt like I lost everything and I felt very dead and black inside, one night I was angry and I yelled screamed and cussed at God and I said I hated him for letting me hurt like I was, that he broke his promise that he'd never leave. I tried reaching out for him and I felt even more alone. But then I realized, he didn't leave me. Sometimes he lets us fall down and bust our knees, sometimes he has to let us hurt so that we can learn and grow. He loves us so much that he lets us learn."
So my friend and I talked a while longer and went to bed.

I woke up this morning with all those mean and hurtful things people have said, in my head. I looked in the mirror and like always I couldn't say I like who I saw. I thought to myself "I am ugly, I am worthless, I am a waste."
Everybody was gone but me and the little boys, so we're here doing chores yet again and I just have no energy, I tried to get up and do dishes but I couldn't. I folded some laundry but ended up sitting there crying like Ive done many times before.
I have a near impossible time saying anything good about myself, I just never have thought highly of myself at all. I try very hard to mask my own self thoughts, and to act differently than I feel so that those around me are burdened by me, I try to lift them up and make them smile. But today I just can't, my poor little brothers have tried to make me feel better but nothing worked.

But then there was a thought my mom said in talking to me the other night, she mentioned me reading her blog and said I needed to, so I decided I would get online and read it. I was reading it when all the sudden I started to cry again.
She quoted a song by Selena Gomez, the song says
Who says, who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me that's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful, who says?
Who says you're not star potential
Who says you're not presidential
Who says you can't be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don't pass the test
Who says you can't be the best
Who said, who said?
Would you tell me who said that, yeah
Who said

My whole life is music, and I mean my WHOLE life! So I already knew the song, but after reading moms thoughts and then those lyrics it hit me.. Lots of people have said I'm not pretty, lots of people have said I'm not worth it, but that doesn't mean it's true.. Mom's right, she's the best dang Marianna out there. So who's to tell me I'm not the perfect Me? I don't have to believe those other people who try to tear me down, because they don't know if I'm not the perfect me, they can't judge me! I'm me and that's all I'll ever be, so I don't have to feel bad that some other person(who I clearly didn't need in my life) doesn't think I'm pretty. They may think I'm worthless, but someday there will be somebody who thinks I'm worth the effort. Somebody who will love me for who I am, not the shape of my body and the things I can do, but for the Me that I am! :)



P.s. Thanks to http://wianwyan.blogspot.com/ <3 You mom!

Restless rantings yet again

Here it is yet again 4am, not sure what my hang up with 4am is, maybe it's my give up point. I don't know. All I know is my stomach is sick, I've got wayy too much on my mind and I can't sleep. I filled up my journal and didn't get hardly anything out and that is why I'm here. To hopefully get something out so that I can relieve some of my restfulness.

As kids we all can't wait to grow up, well it's yet again my birthday and I'm here to tell you that growing up isn't fun.. You get more stress, more responablity(yes I know I misspelled it and I don't care) more work, more effort, less caring, less sane and less sleep.. I don't like it. I think we should grow younger not older but hey that's just me.

Manti got his mission call yesterday an He's going to New Mexico! Everyone's all excited, well..not everyone.. When I saw over his shoulder where he was going it hit me "he'll be gone for TWO years!" I just kinda stood there you know like a zombie waiting to get shot in the head. He was so happy and giddy that I couldn't but be happy too, I mean he is my brother and all not to mention he's going on a mission to serve the Lord, how great is that?!
I got to thinking, I've never not had my Manti, he's always been there to chase the boy away, to pick me up, to teach why life sucks sometimes, my whole life the one thing I always had no matter what was my Manti. And that's how I looked at him, as MY Manti. So I was kinda sad that in september my Manti is gonna be gone and I won't have that..
I did fine with handling it until everyone went to bed and I went to write in my journal, I barely got one sentence out before I started crying, well then I had to go get some air so I sat out on the porch crying until midnight when mom made me come in.
And it's not that I don't want him to go because I'm so happy he's going and doing such a noble thing, Manti will be an amazing missionary, he's had plenty of teaching chances on me this year when I struggled. He's wanted to serve a mission his whole life so I want him to go, all I've ever really wanted for his was to be happy.
But goodness if it's not hard for me to let my Bubba go, I'm scared to death that when he comes home I won't be here or we won't be as close.. I'm absolutely terrified.
I love my brother a whole lot more than people realize, growing up I was always jealous of him because everyone loved me and noticed him. He was always happy and easy going, growing up he was always smart and funny and I wanted to be just like him. So I'm very sad that he's leaving but glad of why he's leaving. I'm so unbelievably proud that MY brother is not only willing but is eager to serve the Lord and to bring others into the church, and I'm over joyed to see him so happy about it too.
I refuse to let him see me cry about him leaving, because I don't want him to feel bad or second guess his decision. Which means I've got all these emotions and I don't know what to do with them, he's my best friend, I have 3 best friends and the other 2 are long distance friendships and he's seen every moment of most everything I've gone through so far. Keeping something from him is insanely difficult.. But he will not see my cry! I'm happy for him and with him, I just have to figure out how to be less sad that he's leaving, maybe if I can focus on getting my own room with a bed and a door...hehehe I get his room when he's gone ;)

Manti's mission is probably the biggest issue on my mind, but there is something else too.. Something that doesn't make me at all happy, I keep thinking about my exboyfriend. It's so dumb because I'm kinda interested in somebody right now and it's soo not my ex! Yet everything little thing somehow brings him up, listening to the radio a song will make me think of a time we shared or a feeling I had one time and I think to myself every time he pops in my head "Okay Mesa, stop thinking. Change subject!Forget him. Do something!!" and sometimes I just have to picture my brain being a cliff and me shoving him off of it so I can move along on the trail of life.. Yeah doesn't always work -_- but I'm trying at least.

I wanna go on vacation by myself somewhere where nobody knows my name or anything about me and I can just relax and breathe for once. To get away from everything going on that's bringing me down, but the problem with that is I can't get away from my own thoughts. So I've been trying to change my thoughts so whenever I finally get my chance to vacation and find a happy place, I'll be able to totally escape and to release not only all the hurt but the stress and anger too.

I am so tired it ain't even funny! And I know my mom won't be happy I'm here this late, but hopefully she'll understand that I just needed to unload a little bit. I know stress and emotion are difficult for her right now too, I've been so worried and stressed on how to help her as well. Sometimes I feel like a failure because I added more stress and frustration, and I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm stressed out to the absolute max so I'm not eating or sleeping and that's not helping at all(don't lecture me) but when I try to eat I get sick and I'm just not hungry at all. I can't sleep because I've got so much on my mind and on my plate that I try to work out one problem so I can sleep then I get another problem. I'm going insane and I'm not even in college yet(yes I actually can spell that word) Is this more of that growing up thing??

Is it just me or does this entry seem like a real downer? I need to change that huh?! I'm really working hard on changing how I view things, to have a more positive attitude and to be more happy instead of always seeming depressed. Maybe it's because of the new hair, which by the way I totally and completely love! So glad I did it! But for whatever reason I'm trying to be a light person and stop being so dark and distant, so wish me luck on that, I know I can do it!
In fact, I'm going to try sleeping. If I manage to get to sleep I'll only have about 3 hours or so, but that's more than nothing. So here goes!
...

Someday

Yesterday I got lost in thought, thinking about all the pressure I've been experiencing and my past and believe it or not, I was even thinking about how bright my future will be one day. Here lately I've been thinking a lot about a friend of mine (will I won't name at this time) and with all those thoughts filling my head I sat down under a tree and I wrote this.
Shortly after reading it some trouble showed up and I became extremely upset and very depressed, I reread this at 4am and realized that my day will come!

Some Day
By Mesa Bailey
July 2 2011

It may not be today
And it may not be tomorrow,
But there's a hope in me
Just trying to break free.
One day I'll hold my head up high,
I'll have him by my side
I'll look up towards the Heavens
And know everything really is alright this time.
My tears may fall,
There are times it's like I've lost it all
But I'll keep my faith.
Because that voice whispers on,
It may not be today
And it may not be tomorrow.
Yet still I know,
That day will come
I'll hold my head up high,
He'll be right there by side,
We'll look towards the heavens
And everything will be alright!
All I have to do now,
Is somehow make it through the night.
Maybe it'll be today,
Maybe it'll be tomorrow,
All I know is
My day will come!
....

The Sun Shines

I mentioned before, at least I believe I did, a poem unlike any other I had written. But in the case that I didn't mention it I'll explain it somewhat.
One of my sleepless nights I was very upset and depressed thinking about some things that perhaps I shouldn't have, I was trying to cheer up so that I might hopefully sleep so I turned on my facebook and read through some messages from a very dear friend. I can never be less than happy when I talk with him, he's my best friend and is the most helpful and sweetest person I've met so far. He and I don't talk everyday but we do talk a lot and I have most of our conversations saved because he's teaching me about his culture so I save them so that I can go back and refresh my memory I also keep them because there are many times where I need some cheering up and he's the best at doing that. Well after reading our conversations I pulled out my notebook and wrote this poem inspired by him. So this is my "The Sun Shines"

The Sun Shine

By Mesa Bailey

June 25th 2011

Sun shining down on the dew soaked grass.

The smell of sweet ceder and pine fills the air,

It's the fresh start of a new day.

The birds sing,

And the flowers all a bloom.

Take a chance to listen to our Mother Earths song

As the warm summer breeze blows through the branches of the trees,

Such a gift we forget to see.

Sad darkness of yesterday now cast away,

Chased those shadows back, into the distant hills of our memory

By the golden beams from up above

And watch Butterfly kiss the ground with her gentle wing.

It's the start of a brand new beautiful today.

So let the sun come out from it's rest,

Warming your soul with it's radiant light.

Release your burdens in the breeze,

And watch the wind carry your troubles away.

No longer will you linger in the yesterdays

But lose yourself in the start of each new day!

Feel the tender love of Mother Earth's embrace,

Close your eyes, open your heart and make ready,

For the sun shines down on the dew soaked grass

Don't be afraid,

Take that step into a new today.

.....

Over thinking?

Last night was another one of those nights where I couldn't sleep much, I had so much on my mind that I just had no real chance of resting.
Lately I've been trying to avoid thinking about a few topics, but it seems the harder I try to not think about them them more I end up thinking about not thinking.. So I pulled out my journal and while I wasn't sure where I'd start or if I've even get anything out, I put pen to paper and in less than an hour I had 10 pages filled with different rantings about what all has been going on.
I started off talking about how maddeningly frustrating some male friends of mine have been of late, see I have two fairly good male friends who I've explained my position on relationships and what not, I've told them both that I am looking for anything romantic at the present time because I've been badly hurt and I'm trying to recover and rebuild before I get into anything else and I don't want anyone getting hurt because I wasn't ready to jump into something.. Anyway, I went over it a couple times with each guy, I told them we could go on dates and stuff if and only if it were group dates. So there were a few small things planned, and then the two guys starting arguing over which one I 'belonged' to.
They both came to me and told me about the statements made by both parties, and they wanted me to say that I was with one of them..
Well, if you know me at all you should know giving me an ultimatum isn't very wise, if you give me an ultimatum it tells me things that I need to know, however in giving me one, you will not get the out come you want.. I.E. I had a guy once tell me to pick between my church and him, thinking that because I loved him I'd give up my belief and be with him and while I loved him I told him to hit the road because I won't give my what I believe and I also think that if you give me an ultimatum than you don't love me.
So, I told both of my friends that until they can mature and stop acting like children fighting some toy that I wouldn't talk to either of them. So one got mad and said some thing, the other has been worried and will message me through out the day hoping to fix things. And it's not so much that I'm angry with them, although I'm not happy, it's more that I don't belong to anyone and that I find fighting over a person who has already made their desire to not be in a relationship to be very dumb and childish. Not to mention its very stressful!

Then I talked about the researched I've been doing on Africa over the past month or two, right now I'm reading a book about the Cape Coast slave trade, I didn't think I'd find it very interesting at first, but it's very cool to see what all happened and at the same time it makes me a little upset that the value of human life was so little and meant almost nothing. Who knew history could be interesting? haha.
I've been learning so much about Africa, and most especially Ghana, it's so cool to me to see how like my native culture the people of Ghana are. It's really interesting, and I can't wait to keep learning about it too!

As you can probably see there is a lot on my mind, a lot of which I won't go into detail about. There's not enough space in the internet for it all anyhow. But I've found that getting just a little bit out at a time is quite helpful, while I still lose many nights sleep due to over thought, I'm slowly making progress towards one day perhaps having a restful full nights sleep. Ahh that'll be the day. LOL! So if ever you find that I'm on what seems like an endless rant, it's most likely a case of me over thinking and trying to unload without saying too much. :)
There is one subject that one day I'll be brave enough to discuss and get out there, but as it stands now it's still too painful and upsetting to me, although to some it would seem like nothing or not a big deal, it hurts me a lot and I think about it often. But, like I said at the beginning of my blog I'm trying to recover from it. I look forward to the day of putting him behind me, and no longer having that ache in my heart.. So anyway, not sure how I got there (most likely from lack of sleep) but when that day comes and I talk about it all, I'll no doubt be able to sleep after it. Sadly that day is not today.

Well, I think I've ranted enough for one day.. Sorry about the long rant seemingly about nothing. That happens when I don't sleep, I tend to go on about what seems like nothing but have a lot of things hidden in it. You never know what you might learn if you read between the line ;)