A little bit of this and a little of that, it all adds up!

Manti is gone now, I watched him leave and I fought back my emotions to deal with it.. I came home and didn't get upset when I saw his jacket or tripped over something he left in the floor, I did really well reading a sweet note he left me and I held it together when I started work on his room.

And then, the other night I went to bed and decided I was going to read some hymns and fall asleep. I had a ton of thoughts going through my head because my best friend and I had some,... deep, conversation that was pretty intense. I was confused at MY end of the talk and my own personal feelings on the matter so I just wanted to read hymns and put it out of mind for the night. Which I did, I read the whole hymn book and put in a good movie and fell asleep..

Every now and then I have this horrible nightmare that is just a memory of something in my past that I rather not talk about, and it's a very difficult thing for me to dream all the time. Some times I wake up screaming, others I just wake up in a panic of sweat and tears. So in the middle of the night I wake up from this terrible nightmare and I grab my teddy bear(yes I sleep with a bear get over it) and I run to Manti's room like I always do, only this time I burst through the door in tears and to my surprise he's not there... I stood there for a moment remember he's on a mission and I fell to the flood and cried so much harder, I cried because I was scared and hurting, I cried because the one person who always sat there and said "It's ok your safe now" wasn't there.. I was alone in his room and knew that for two years he's not gonna be there for me to run to.
I can't tell you how much it killed me to have to realize that!

I settled down and was ok with him not being here until a couple nights later..

A guy I had some really bad battles with, who had totally trashed my self esteme and made me feel as ugly and worthless as running shoes for a snake,.. Came back and left me a voice mail, as soon as I heard his voice a freaked out because of the vile and nasty things he had sai to me before and I quickly deleted the voivemail before listening. Then I fell to my knees and prayed to have the spirit with me and that this guy would leave and never come back to my life. I sat there and cried for a long time remembering the things he called me and how horrible he made me feel about myself, so I turned to my best friend, I sent him a long email telling him what happened and since he already knew that situation because he too got accosted by this same guy, he aloud me to just talk my feelings out then he as always, prayed with me and it wass over. I've not heard from that guy since and I'm quite thankful for that, I'm also grateful that my friend was there and willing to let me just cry. He didn't have to make me feel better just let my feel what I felt and let me be ok.
Then once again I had to realize that my brother wasn't there to protect me and make me feel better. Manti's always fought for me and with me, he stood up to that guy in the past and he made me feel safe. With out Manti I've always felt kinda scared because people aren't affraid to get in my face cuss me out or try to hurt me if Manti isn't around, with Manti there is no way anyone will do that. So him being gone is really hard for me, partly because he's always been with me and he's the one person I could always count on no matter what I did and I never once felt like he didn't love me.. And partly because I safety net was knowing that he'd had my back in everything.

But, it's been over a week and I've been doing alright. I still miss him dearly but know he's doing the Lord's work and that these issues that keep popping up on me are just things to try and stand in the way of that work. I have had to completely lean on the Lord and trust him fully, so I know without a doubt that even without my big brother and protector that I'll be alright. I can and will handle what ever, with the help of the Lord so I don't need to worry. Two years is a long time when you're in the moment, but I know one day I'll look back and be like "Hey! that flew by so quickly and I wouldn't trade that time for anything"

Mission time

I've got little less than two weeks before Manti leaves for his mission, I'm still kinda feeling like it's just a dream and I don't really have to wake up from it. I mean I know he's leaving, but it still feels like it ain't happening.

I'm not really dealing with it to be honest. Mom's been a lot of that for me, and that's ok she's his mother and it's really hard for her to let any of us go.

I'm just worried that when he leaves it'll hit me harder than a ton of bricks. He's gonna be gone for a while and he's kinda starting his own life without me. And I'm a little scared of that, I don't wanna lose my big brother and I guess I'm scared that when he comes back we won't be close anymore.
To spite all that, I'm excited for him! He's serving the Lord and he's bringing people the knowledge that he loves and treasures so I'm happy he's doing what he loves.
Besides, he gets to help people the way he's helped me and after watching the missionaries in our area I know he's gonna be a great one, and he's gonna enjoy it a lot.

Two years is gonna fly by, I just know it.

Answers lead to changes

In my last blog I talked about how I felt a change coming in my life, well last saturday I had so much on my mind that Manti had asked me to unload my thoughts on him. Which of course I did because I not only needed somebody to talk to but I know that Manti will keep my secrets, give good advice and also help strengthen me where I need it(which he did) so as we talked I mentioned a dream I had had and I told him how much it troubled me because I didn't understand it.
Do you have one of those dreams where you know it's major and you know it's important but your not sure how or why? Well yeah, that dream I mentioned was and is one.
So he told me to broaden my focus and then when I figured out my question to take it to the Lord then read my scriptures.. Now I tend to doubt a lot because of my own person exeriences so I flat out asked him "will he ACTUALLY answer me this time? Will I ACTUALLY find the scriptures to help me?" he smiled and said yes.
I'm his younger sister and even though I know he's never wrong about the gosple stuff and never wrong when it comes to my life and choices, I still had to test him and prove him wrong.

I waited till everyone had gone in their own direction for the night and I locked myself in the bathroom (which is kinda where I go when I need to be alone and think) I sat behind the door like I always do and I said a prayer, I talk to Heavenly Father differently than most people. I like to him like he's right there with me and I use words that I would with my best friend.. I'm very honest and up front when I pray. So I said ok I'm testing Manti yet again, I know he believes in this and he knows I'll find my answers so I'm trusting in him. Now here's my question...
I waited there for a while till I felt confident that I wasn't getting an answer yet, then I went back about my day.
Later that night I was cleaning my room a little when I saw my scriptures and thought to myself "D&C was my favorite book in seminary, I read it twice that year.. Hmm" so I pulled open my scriptures, I had my bible open and my book of mormon. I read for a couple hours and rather enjoyed it but still didn't really have an answer. So I turned out my light and went to bed.

Sunday mom woke me up and I rushed to get ready for church, my first thought when I woke up instead of the normanl "I HATE mornings, I don't wanna be awake" My first thought was "Elder T returnes to Tonga today! haha weird dream, where's my skirt? Is that alive?" heh I had a bunch of random junk pop into my head.
So I go to church and I got my hynms ready for our lesson which was about families and temple marriage.
Now I really haven't liked being out of young womens because I feel so out of place and unwanted in my class, if my mom isn't there I sit by myself with noone on the same row or anywhere around me. So when I heard that was the lesson I was like of course it is, everyone has a wonderful husband that they married in the temple and had a bunch of children with and are so happy that their a forever family.. yeah i get it... BUT that isn't at all what they said, that's not at all what I heard and it wasn't by any means what I took home.
I was sitting there with mom and I looked down at my book and without reading anything I knew my answer, I knew just as I knew that was my mother sitting beside me!
I got home and was in a frantic hurry to read my scriptures and offer up another prayer, which I did and what I read reasured that my answer WAS my answer. So I headed outside to go think because it both scared the life out of me but it always was a lot to take in.. So I went to my little hill over looking the field and the pond and trees I sat there and cried so hard because I didn't want that answer, I didn't want it at all! I kept asking if I could change or it act like it didn't happen but then a yellow butterfly flew infront of me and I watched it land on this old dead ugly tree, I stared long and hard at the lifeless looking creature and then I felt a sudden rush of tingly comfort. Like my best friend was hugging me and telling "You need not fear, prepare for that which you know is true and you need not fear. Everything will be ok." Then the butterfly somehow regained it's life and flew away.

I fell to knees and said thank you for the understanding and comfort, that I wouldn't fear and that I would trust that everything is going to be ok. My spirits were lifted and I had an almost happiness about me.

Later after everyone went to bed mom and I were up and I asked a pretty off the wall question and she made me explain why I asked (hate when parents do that) so I told her and tried to act like I wasn't about to cry, then to my surprise she had quoted to me the things I had learned as my answer. I was so glad that she said those things because that made me feel better that she knew, and also that made it absolutely clear that it was the right and true thing.

Mom and I may not always get along perfectly without hitch, but I love when we have a moment where I can tell her "this is what I need to do or when we bond. In my mind we bonded a little that night because now I know I've got my mothers help and support in this, so I know I can prepare myself for the pretty huge change coming. And I know that she'll be there no matter how hard headed I am or how difficult this preperation is going to be.
I've got my mom, two sisters from church who are basicaly family to me, and I've got the Lord on this. So, I can do it I've got the best possible support system in the history of EVER.

So my jurney begins, no telling how far I'll travel before getting there (I have a feeling it won't be too terribly far) but will memorible and very lasting..

A change in the wind

Lately I've felt something kinda strange, I don't know how to explain it, it's kinda like the butterflies but not as sickening.
I didn't quite understand it until last night, I've been thinking about it a lot because I haven't felt like this in so long. It's almost like a feeling I had when I was with my ex-fiance, but it's sweeter.

So last night I was laying in my bed and I was thinking about all the different options and opportunities that have come up lately, I've got so many choices I'm facing and all of them are really good options.
So after I had thought about each different case and each choice I have to make I decided to say a prayer and in that prayer all I did was say thank you. I said thank you for each one of my friends, I listed them all by name and I thanked Heavenly Father for different things in my life such as the conference I attended and for my family members and for every blessing I could think of. Which turned out to be more than I thought, but I'm sure there's more than I mentioned.
After I had finished my prayer I got back in bed and watched my black lava lamp when suddenly I had the thought, something is about to change in my life. Something big and very important is about to change for me..

I don't know what, when or how but I know without a doubt that something is about to change and that it will be the right thing at the right time..

So many doors have opened for me and many more are beginning to open slowly, so I think it's safe to say to say I have no earthly idea which one of the doors I'm going to be going into but I'm rather excited to see what it'll turn out to be..
After figuring out what that feeling was, it has gotten less frustrating and more comforting and a lot more intense.

Can't wait to see what it'll be,..

"My Anchor in Adversity"

This past weekend all the YSA's in the area can a huge conference, we had a major dance, workshops and then Elder Ballard and Elder Gay (from the 70) came and spoke to us.

Friday night was the dance, there were tons of people and I had 3 friends that I pretty much stayed with and we had a blast! We danced so much and we each danced with a few guys but they didn't really play any slow songs, they only played 4 maybe 5 at the most. It was still fun though.
That night we all stayed with host families for the night and Saturday morning we went back and did our workshops all day.
The theme for the conference was "My Anchor in Adversity" pretty good theme I though, but I wasn't expecting it be SO good..

My brother has this friend, she's over here on a visa from another country and they talk ALL the time. Seriously no joke, they talk everyday! But I didn't know her all that well, we've talked a few times but not a lot.
At the conference we were rarely ever apart, we stayed together and did everything together, Friday night we both couldn't sleep because we had to sleep in the floor and it was horrible so we talked all night. We both shared some pretty deep secrets and we became very good friends, it was really nice to have somebody I could talk to face to face and who had gone through so many of the things I have.
We shared some of the same trials and hurt, so it was amazing to be have another person who understood and was willing to listen.

Saturday when the workshops started we pulled out note books and were taking notes and in our last class the teacher was very prepared. He handed everyone a little card and told them to hold onto it, as he's talking about different trials and pains then told us to each write our hardest most gut wrenching painful adversity that we've had thus far, I thought for a a second and my pin kinda already knew what to write.. I wrote it and then the teacher took all the cards tossed them in a hat and passed the hat around the room, each person was to take a card and read it.. I freaked! I didn't want anyone to read what I wrote, I got very nervous and kept looking around the room trying to figure out who got my card.
Thankfully no one read mine.. After that the teacher kept talking and he said that we should all be glad for our adversity, he talked about how pain can be a good thing that Heavenly Father isn't going to let us hurt too much.. Well when he said that I broke into tears, I though about what I wrote on my card and hoe badly I suffered and still do because of that trail, I cried so much that my two friends beside me and even my brother beside our friend noticed. My friend that I had stayed with pulled out a hanky and whipped my tears and hugged me because without asking she knew what was going through my head.

After the classes were over everybody filled the chapel to get ready for Elder Ballard, I had written a note to an R.M that was there and I had first put it on his car but it started to rain so I got it back before he did, so I gave it to my friend who took it to him, he was sitting in the row infront of me so I kinda slipped out of the room while she did it. In the hall I bumped into this older man by mistake (I was so tired I didn't even see him till I ran into his back) as he turned around I apologized then realized who it was, it was Elder Ballard! I felt bad, he asked me if I was alright then asked how I enjoyed the conference. I told him I really needed to hear what he had to say and that I was thankful for it, then I told him that my brother and I were so excited he was there that my brother was sitting there spazzing out saying "It's an apostle it's an apostle!!!" Elder Ballard laughed and said "The one with the cool leather clothes?" I said 'Yes sir that's Manti, we're native american.' He looked at me for a second and said softly "Manti..Manti, Manti Bailey? I know that name well!" my jaw dropped.. EVERYONE know him, even the apostles? Seriously?! Elder Ballard shook my hand and had to leave, as he's walking away I thought to say, "I'm Mesa by the way!" he laughed and was lost from view by his security people..

How totally AWESOME is that? The security people said he wasn't suppose to talk to anyone face to face outside the group. So I think I was pretty lucky, even if he didn't know MY name..

Talking to Elder Ballard was the most amazing part, but I've gotta say the whole conference was so spiritual and so very much what I needed to hear and feel. I NEEDED to be there! It was amazing and helped me find MY anchor in adversity.. :)

The Beauty of a Friend

I've never really thought too highly of myself, it's near impossible for me to say anything GOOD about myself even. The other night I was really depressed and down, so I was talking to my best friend who is way smarter than me. As we talked some things slipped out that I hadn't really meant to say about myself, then my friend told me to go to my mirror and tell him when I was there so I did.. As I stood there he told me to look at my reflection and tell myself I'm beautiful.. I couldn't do it, I stood there and chocked and just balled like a baby. I told him that I just couldn't do it, it was difficult to see past all the things I didn't like about myself to see if there was any beauty under it all. My eyes aren't the same color, my hair was a mess, my skin isn't smooth, my chest is too big, I have no butt. I don't really like looking into a mirror, in a picture I can have any look I chose but in a mirror I only see bad things. I see a girl with a bad past a LOT of regrets and a lot of hurt, anger, frustration and sadness. I don't see a single thing pretty. As my friend sat there with me and tried coaching me I told him I couldn't do it, I just couldn't say I was beautiful. When I was younger I remember my bishop telling me once that I was "scared of pride" I didn't say I was pretty because I didn't want to become one of those girls who was all about herself and didn't see beyond her own image. So I never said it nor thought it. Well since then I still have that problem but it's not just not wanting to become self centered, it's honestly not seeing anything beautiful about myself. My friend listened to me ramble on about how I'm afraid that no man will really love me because I'm scared that he'll see me the way I see me, then my friend being very loving and patient started to quote a primary song he said "I am a child of God, and He has sent me here" and then he changed it a little and said "You are a child of God, and He has sent you here" he kept singing the song and then he listed off all these wonderful things he see's in me. I tried to argue with him on some of the things he named but he wouldn't have it! After talking to me and being very supportive and understanding he quietly said "Mesa, look your self in the mirror and be honest with yourself." I finally was able to say that I was beautiful (though part of me doubted it) he made me repeat it a few times then I started crying again. After talking with him and then telling myself that I am beautiful, I felt a little better. I realized something in that space of time, I realized, I may not truly believe that I'm much of anything but my Heavenly Father does or else he wouldn't have sent me here to be tested and tried. He loves me and trusts me to make the right choices and to "live with Him once more" and that one day I'll find that one man who thinks I'm the most beautiful women he's seen, he'll put me on a pedestal and he'll love me no matter what. No matter I've done or have been through, he'll love me for the Daughter of God that I am and not what I can do or the way I'm shaped, he'll love me for me. So I may not think highly of myself, but someday someone will think I'm the world, but how will he know to think that if I can't even say I'm pretty?

"Who says"

Sometime I wish I could be like Davy Jones off pirates and cut out my heart!

I struggle a lot with how I feel, in the last 7 or so months I've had 9 different people jump on me and say some really ugly hurtful things. Just s tid-bit of the type of things that have been said are "Your a ugly worthless piece of trash" "Nobody will ever love a wh*** like you" I've had two of those people say "You deserve to die because your just a waste of life and everyone's time"
Well I've had things like that said to me since I was 13, yes it hurts a whole lot when people say it but I've been pretty good at trying not to listen or believe them, a few times I've even tried to prove how they were wrong.
But lately I've been dealing some hurt feelings and my past coming back at me, one night last week or the week before I sat up in my room crying because I couldn't shake the things I was thinking about. My dad heard me crying and came in to talk to me, I told him a piece of what was bothering me and he told me that whenever I start to think about it to pick up my book of Joseph Smith's personal writings, because ever since I can remember I've adored Joseph and could tell you just about anything about him.
I'm a teenage girl, I don't always listen to the advice my parents give me because of foolish teenage pride. However I really didn't want to hurt anymore so I've been taking Dad's advice this time, almost every night I pull out my big white book and I real. After that I either read some scriptures or I write in my journal. And I'm proud to say it's been helping, I don't sit there and fester on my hurt feelings or the scars left on me physically.

Yet there are times when those thoughts, memories, feelings and words come to mind and those times I just kinda look for a way to let it out because I'll get so depressed that I think deeply about doing things I shouldn't, often times I think things like "maybe everyone would be better without me, maybe I am a waste of time." and it becomes a lot harder to fight those thoughts when I remember the people who treated me badly or flat told me I wasn't worth the time.

Last night I was trying to comfort my friend who was having some issues with school and his family, he's a very good friend of mine and we help each other with our problems. So we were talking and I was trying to cheer him up and give him hope that it wasn't as bad as it seems. I even told him about a lesson I taught at my FHE with my YSA group not too long ago, I mentioned an experience I had that he already knew about and then gave him my thoughts on it. I said;" One time I did something pretty bad, I felt horrible and prayed for forgiveness and took the steps needed to move past it. But things in my life got terrible, I felt like I lost everything and I felt very dead and black inside, one night I was angry and I yelled screamed and cussed at God and I said I hated him for letting me hurt like I was, that he broke his promise that he'd never leave. I tried reaching out for him and I felt even more alone. But then I realized, he didn't leave me. Sometimes he lets us fall down and bust our knees, sometimes he has to let us hurt so that we can learn and grow. He loves us so much that he lets us learn."
So my friend and I talked a while longer and went to bed.

I woke up this morning with all those mean and hurtful things people have said, in my head. I looked in the mirror and like always I couldn't say I like who I saw. I thought to myself "I am ugly, I am worthless, I am a waste."
Everybody was gone but me and the little boys, so we're here doing chores yet again and I just have no energy, I tried to get up and do dishes but I couldn't. I folded some laundry but ended up sitting there crying like Ive done many times before.
I have a near impossible time saying anything good about myself, I just never have thought highly of myself at all. I try very hard to mask my own self thoughts, and to act differently than I feel so that those around me are burdened by me, I try to lift them up and make them smile. But today I just can't, my poor little brothers have tried to make me feel better but nothing worked.

But then there was a thought my mom said in talking to me the other night, she mentioned me reading her blog and said I needed to, so I decided I would get online and read it. I was reading it when all the sudden I started to cry again.
She quoted a song by Selena Gomez, the song says
Who says, who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me that's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful, who says?
Who says you're not star potential
Who says you're not presidential
Who says you can't be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don't pass the test
Who says you can't be the best
Who said, who said?
Would you tell me who said that, yeah
Who said

My whole life is music, and I mean my WHOLE life! So I already knew the song, but after reading moms thoughts and then those lyrics it hit me.. Lots of people have said I'm not pretty, lots of people have said I'm not worth it, but that doesn't mean it's true.. Mom's right, she's the best dang Marianna out there. So who's to tell me I'm not the perfect Me? I don't have to believe those other people who try to tear me down, because they don't know if I'm not the perfect me, they can't judge me! I'm me and that's all I'll ever be, so I don't have to feel bad that some other person(who I clearly didn't need in my life) doesn't think I'm pretty. They may think I'm worthless, but someday there will be somebody who thinks I'm worth the effort. Somebody who will love me for who I am, not the shape of my body and the things I can do, but for the Me that I am! :)



P.s. Thanks to http://wianwyan.blogspot.com/ <3 You mom!