Answers to Prayers

Answers to prayers are mysterious things, sometimes they come right away and other times they come when you least expect it or sometimes you simply quit thinking about it move on and by "accident" you find the answers when you aren't looking anymore..

Last tuesday it was my turn to give the lesson in my young single adult groups family home evening and I had talked to my friend to try and come up with a topic. When I teach I like my lessons to be personal, spiritual , and thought provoking. So finding a personal topic was a little tricky. Sunday came along and I still didn't have any idea for a lesson.. I was starting to worry a little bit because everybody was depending on me to have a good lesson. So the pressure was on and I wasn't feeling the lesson planning spirit.
I had been thinking so hard on planning a lesson that I didn't pay attention to the answers I was getting pertaining to other more important matters.
I in earlier blogs I had mentioned a change I felt coming and I had somewhat an idea of what it might be but when I prayed about it, it became clear that it wasn't time for me to know yet. Annoying right?
So I began preparing of changes without a sure knowledge of what I was preparing for, saturday night I was reading with my friend who I really really liked, and I found some Scripture by accident that basically told me the answers. When I read it I fell to my knees and with tears in my eyes I prayed and asked "Is this REALLY my answer?" and I asked that if it be my answer that I know without doubt in unshakable a surety that it was my answer..
Sunday afternoon I went to a friends house to spend the day since we had a fireside later that night, and on the wall I saw the words "1st John 4:7" and that made me curious, if you know me you know my curiosity is intense so I became very antsy until I came home and read that chapter. Lots of things were on my mind that day and I kept praying over and over asking "is this really it? Am I taking what I want from this or is it really the spirit?" and I devoted my every single thought to finding out if it was me or the spirit.
Thus I got a great idea, people at church have been trying to set me up with people and have been doing all sorts of butting in concerning me and it bugged me. So I decided to do a little research on the topic of following the spirit, and give my lesson on that.
I found soo many things that I needed and that not only proved to me what I was feeling regarding my answer, but it had gotten pounded into my heart that it was indeed the spirit and not my own desires to the point that I couldn't deny what was going on.. I prepared my lesson and upon Tuesday my friend knew about my lesson and was kinda doing the same soul searching and questioning that I was, so he(hint) came to my FHE group, I was over joyed he was there because it was not only moral support but it was proof on another matter as well. As I'm giving the lesson I started to choke up in front of everyone, but not only because I'm super nervous having to talk in front of all them. But because I'm a crier, when I feel something strongly I cry, and the spirit was so strong I couldn't fight it. After all I did ask for it to be so clear even I couldn't deny it.. Guess I kinda had that coming huh..
My lesson went well and everyone said they needed. But today in stake conference one of the speakers said the same things I had in my lesson. I was blown away, after all the work I put into my lesson and the experience I had with it, they reassured it to me yet again that it really wasn't me. The kicker of that is, everyone that spoke in conference was told not to give the talk they wrote, but to follow whatever the spirit told them.. Kinda awesome isn't it? So sometimes answers come when you least expect it and sometimes when you ask for it to be unmistakably clear, it'll get proven everyday until you admit it. In my case, it's still being proven everyday. Which is awesome because it's the extra boost I need to continue following it, through the hard times.

A little bit of this and a little of that, it all adds up!

Manti is gone now, I watched him leave and I fought back my emotions to deal with it.. I came home and didn't get upset when I saw his jacket or tripped over something he left in the floor, I did really well reading a sweet note he left me and I held it together when I started work on his room.

And then, the other night I went to bed and decided I was going to read some hymns and fall asleep. I had a ton of thoughts going through my head because my best friend and I had some,... deep, conversation that was pretty intense. I was confused at MY end of the talk and my own personal feelings on the matter so I just wanted to read hymns and put it out of mind for the night. Which I did, I read the whole hymn book and put in a good movie and fell asleep..

Every now and then I have this horrible nightmare that is just a memory of something in my past that I rather not talk about, and it's a very difficult thing for me to dream all the time. Some times I wake up screaming, others I just wake up in a panic of sweat and tears. So in the middle of the night I wake up from this terrible nightmare and I grab my teddy bear(yes I sleep with a bear get over it) and I run to Manti's room like I always do, only this time I burst through the door in tears and to my surprise he's not there... I stood there for a moment remember he's on a mission and I fell to the flood and cried so much harder, I cried because I was scared and hurting, I cried because the one person who always sat there and said "It's ok your safe now" wasn't there.. I was alone in his room and knew that for two years he's not gonna be there for me to run to.
I can't tell you how much it killed me to have to realize that!

I settled down and was ok with him not being here until a couple nights later..

A guy I had some really bad battles with, who had totally trashed my self esteme and made me feel as ugly and worthless as running shoes for a snake,.. Came back and left me a voice mail, as soon as I heard his voice a freaked out because of the vile and nasty things he had sai to me before and I quickly deleted the voivemail before listening. Then I fell to my knees and prayed to have the spirit with me and that this guy would leave and never come back to my life. I sat there and cried for a long time remembering the things he called me and how horrible he made me feel about myself, so I turned to my best friend, I sent him a long email telling him what happened and since he already knew that situation because he too got accosted by this same guy, he aloud me to just talk my feelings out then he as always, prayed with me and it wass over. I've not heard from that guy since and I'm quite thankful for that, I'm also grateful that my friend was there and willing to let me just cry. He didn't have to make me feel better just let my feel what I felt and let me be ok.
Then once again I had to realize that my brother wasn't there to protect me and make me feel better. Manti's always fought for me and with me, he stood up to that guy in the past and he made me feel safe. With out Manti I've always felt kinda scared because people aren't affraid to get in my face cuss me out or try to hurt me if Manti isn't around, with Manti there is no way anyone will do that. So him being gone is really hard for me, partly because he's always been with me and he's the one person I could always count on no matter what I did and I never once felt like he didn't love me.. And partly because I safety net was knowing that he'd had my back in everything.

But, it's been over a week and I've been doing alright. I still miss him dearly but know he's doing the Lord's work and that these issues that keep popping up on me are just things to try and stand in the way of that work. I have had to completely lean on the Lord and trust him fully, so I know without a doubt that even without my big brother and protector that I'll be alright. I can and will handle what ever, with the help of the Lord so I don't need to worry. Two years is a long time when you're in the moment, but I know one day I'll look back and be like "Hey! that flew by so quickly and I wouldn't trade that time for anything"

Mission time

I've got little less than two weeks before Manti leaves for his mission, I'm still kinda feeling like it's just a dream and I don't really have to wake up from it. I mean I know he's leaving, but it still feels like it ain't happening.

I'm not really dealing with it to be honest. Mom's been a lot of that for me, and that's ok she's his mother and it's really hard for her to let any of us go.

I'm just worried that when he leaves it'll hit me harder than a ton of bricks. He's gonna be gone for a while and he's kinda starting his own life without me. And I'm a little scared of that, I don't wanna lose my big brother and I guess I'm scared that when he comes back we won't be close anymore.
To spite all that, I'm excited for him! He's serving the Lord and he's bringing people the knowledge that he loves and treasures so I'm happy he's doing what he loves.
Besides, he gets to help people the way he's helped me and after watching the missionaries in our area I know he's gonna be a great one, and he's gonna enjoy it a lot.

Two years is gonna fly by, I just know it.

Answers lead to changes

In my last blog I talked about how I felt a change coming in my life, well last saturday I had so much on my mind that Manti had asked me to unload my thoughts on him. Which of course I did because I not only needed somebody to talk to but I know that Manti will keep my secrets, give good advice and also help strengthen me where I need it(which he did) so as we talked I mentioned a dream I had had and I told him how much it troubled me because I didn't understand it.
Do you have one of those dreams where you know it's major and you know it's important but your not sure how or why? Well yeah, that dream I mentioned was and is one.
So he told me to broaden my focus and then when I figured out my question to take it to the Lord then read my scriptures.. Now I tend to doubt a lot because of my own person exeriences so I flat out asked him "will he ACTUALLY answer me this time? Will I ACTUALLY find the scriptures to help me?" he smiled and said yes.
I'm his younger sister and even though I know he's never wrong about the gosple stuff and never wrong when it comes to my life and choices, I still had to test him and prove him wrong.

I waited till everyone had gone in their own direction for the night and I locked myself in the bathroom (which is kinda where I go when I need to be alone and think) I sat behind the door like I always do and I said a prayer, I talk to Heavenly Father differently than most people. I like to him like he's right there with me and I use words that I would with my best friend.. I'm very honest and up front when I pray. So I said ok I'm testing Manti yet again, I know he believes in this and he knows I'll find my answers so I'm trusting in him. Now here's my question...
I waited there for a while till I felt confident that I wasn't getting an answer yet, then I went back about my day.
Later that night I was cleaning my room a little when I saw my scriptures and thought to myself "D&C was my favorite book in seminary, I read it twice that year.. Hmm" so I pulled open my scriptures, I had my bible open and my book of mormon. I read for a couple hours and rather enjoyed it but still didn't really have an answer. So I turned out my light and went to bed.

Sunday mom woke me up and I rushed to get ready for church, my first thought when I woke up instead of the normanl "I HATE mornings, I don't wanna be awake" My first thought was "Elder T returnes to Tonga today! haha weird dream, where's my skirt? Is that alive?" heh I had a bunch of random junk pop into my head.
So I go to church and I got my hynms ready for our lesson which was about families and temple marriage.
Now I really haven't liked being out of young womens because I feel so out of place and unwanted in my class, if my mom isn't there I sit by myself with noone on the same row or anywhere around me. So when I heard that was the lesson I was like of course it is, everyone has a wonderful husband that they married in the temple and had a bunch of children with and are so happy that their a forever family.. yeah i get it... BUT that isn't at all what they said, that's not at all what I heard and it wasn't by any means what I took home.
I was sitting there with mom and I looked down at my book and without reading anything I knew my answer, I knew just as I knew that was my mother sitting beside me!
I got home and was in a frantic hurry to read my scriptures and offer up another prayer, which I did and what I read reasured that my answer WAS my answer. So I headed outside to go think because it both scared the life out of me but it always was a lot to take in.. So I went to my little hill over looking the field and the pond and trees I sat there and cried so hard because I didn't want that answer, I didn't want it at all! I kept asking if I could change or it act like it didn't happen but then a yellow butterfly flew infront of me and I watched it land on this old dead ugly tree, I stared long and hard at the lifeless looking creature and then I felt a sudden rush of tingly comfort. Like my best friend was hugging me and telling "You need not fear, prepare for that which you know is true and you need not fear. Everything will be ok." Then the butterfly somehow regained it's life and flew away.

I fell to knees and said thank you for the understanding and comfort, that I wouldn't fear and that I would trust that everything is going to be ok. My spirits were lifted and I had an almost happiness about me.

Later after everyone went to bed mom and I were up and I asked a pretty off the wall question and she made me explain why I asked (hate when parents do that) so I told her and tried to act like I wasn't about to cry, then to my surprise she had quoted to me the things I had learned as my answer. I was so glad that she said those things because that made me feel better that she knew, and also that made it absolutely clear that it was the right and true thing.

Mom and I may not always get along perfectly without hitch, but I love when we have a moment where I can tell her "this is what I need to do or when we bond. In my mind we bonded a little that night because now I know I've got my mothers help and support in this, so I know I can prepare myself for the pretty huge change coming. And I know that she'll be there no matter how hard headed I am or how difficult this preperation is going to be.
I've got my mom, two sisters from church who are basicaly family to me, and I've got the Lord on this. So, I can do it I've got the best possible support system in the history of EVER.

So my jurney begins, no telling how far I'll travel before getting there (I have a feeling it won't be too terribly far) but will memorible and very lasting..

A change in the wind

Lately I've felt something kinda strange, I don't know how to explain it, it's kinda like the butterflies but not as sickening.
I didn't quite understand it until last night, I've been thinking about it a lot because I haven't felt like this in so long. It's almost like a feeling I had when I was with my ex-fiance, but it's sweeter.

So last night I was laying in my bed and I was thinking about all the different options and opportunities that have come up lately, I've got so many choices I'm facing and all of them are really good options.
So after I had thought about each different case and each choice I have to make I decided to say a prayer and in that prayer all I did was say thank you. I said thank you for each one of my friends, I listed them all by name and I thanked Heavenly Father for different things in my life such as the conference I attended and for my family members and for every blessing I could think of. Which turned out to be more than I thought, but I'm sure there's more than I mentioned.
After I had finished my prayer I got back in bed and watched my black lava lamp when suddenly I had the thought, something is about to change in my life. Something big and very important is about to change for me..

I don't know what, when or how but I know without a doubt that something is about to change and that it will be the right thing at the right time..

So many doors have opened for me and many more are beginning to open slowly, so I think it's safe to say to say I have no earthly idea which one of the doors I'm going to be going into but I'm rather excited to see what it'll turn out to be..
After figuring out what that feeling was, it has gotten less frustrating and more comforting and a lot more intense.

Can't wait to see what it'll be,..

"My Anchor in Adversity"

This past weekend all the YSA's in the area can a huge conference, we had a major dance, workshops and then Elder Ballard and Elder Gay (from the 70) came and spoke to us.

Friday night was the dance, there were tons of people and I had 3 friends that I pretty much stayed with and we had a blast! We danced so much and we each danced with a few guys but they didn't really play any slow songs, they only played 4 maybe 5 at the most. It was still fun though.
That night we all stayed with host families for the night and Saturday morning we went back and did our workshops all day.
The theme for the conference was "My Anchor in Adversity" pretty good theme I though, but I wasn't expecting it be SO good..

My brother has this friend, she's over here on a visa from another country and they talk ALL the time. Seriously no joke, they talk everyday! But I didn't know her all that well, we've talked a few times but not a lot.
At the conference we were rarely ever apart, we stayed together and did everything together, Friday night we both couldn't sleep because we had to sleep in the floor and it was horrible so we talked all night. We both shared some pretty deep secrets and we became very good friends, it was really nice to have somebody I could talk to face to face and who had gone through so many of the things I have.
We shared some of the same trials and hurt, so it was amazing to be have another person who understood and was willing to listen.

Saturday when the workshops started we pulled out note books and were taking notes and in our last class the teacher was very prepared. He handed everyone a little card and told them to hold onto it, as he's talking about different trials and pains then told us to each write our hardest most gut wrenching painful adversity that we've had thus far, I thought for a a second and my pin kinda already knew what to write.. I wrote it and then the teacher took all the cards tossed them in a hat and passed the hat around the room, each person was to take a card and read it.. I freaked! I didn't want anyone to read what I wrote, I got very nervous and kept looking around the room trying to figure out who got my card.
Thankfully no one read mine.. After that the teacher kept talking and he said that we should all be glad for our adversity, he talked about how pain can be a good thing that Heavenly Father isn't going to let us hurt too much.. Well when he said that I broke into tears, I though about what I wrote on my card and hoe badly I suffered and still do because of that trail, I cried so much that my two friends beside me and even my brother beside our friend noticed. My friend that I had stayed with pulled out a hanky and whipped my tears and hugged me because without asking she knew what was going through my head.

After the classes were over everybody filled the chapel to get ready for Elder Ballard, I had written a note to an R.M that was there and I had first put it on his car but it started to rain so I got it back before he did, so I gave it to my friend who took it to him, he was sitting in the row infront of me so I kinda slipped out of the room while she did it. In the hall I bumped into this older man by mistake (I was so tired I didn't even see him till I ran into his back) as he turned around I apologized then realized who it was, it was Elder Ballard! I felt bad, he asked me if I was alright then asked how I enjoyed the conference. I told him I really needed to hear what he had to say and that I was thankful for it, then I told him that my brother and I were so excited he was there that my brother was sitting there spazzing out saying "It's an apostle it's an apostle!!!" Elder Ballard laughed and said "The one with the cool leather clothes?" I said 'Yes sir that's Manti, we're native american.' He looked at me for a second and said softly "Manti..Manti, Manti Bailey? I know that name well!" my jaw dropped.. EVERYONE know him, even the apostles? Seriously?! Elder Ballard shook my hand and had to leave, as he's walking away I thought to say, "I'm Mesa by the way!" he laughed and was lost from view by his security people..

How totally AWESOME is that? The security people said he wasn't suppose to talk to anyone face to face outside the group. So I think I was pretty lucky, even if he didn't know MY name..

Talking to Elder Ballard was the most amazing part, but I've gotta say the whole conference was so spiritual and so very much what I needed to hear and feel. I NEEDED to be there! It was amazing and helped me find MY anchor in adversity.. :)

The Beauty of a Friend

I've never really thought too highly of myself, it's near impossible for me to say anything GOOD about myself even. The other night I was really depressed and down, so I was talking to my best friend who is way smarter than me. As we talked some things slipped out that I hadn't really meant to say about myself, then my friend told me to go to my mirror and tell him when I was there so I did.. As I stood there he told me to look at my reflection and tell myself I'm beautiful.. I couldn't do it, I stood there and chocked and just balled like a baby. I told him that I just couldn't do it, it was difficult to see past all the things I didn't like about myself to see if there was any beauty under it all. My eyes aren't the same color, my hair was a mess, my skin isn't smooth, my chest is too big, I have no butt. I don't really like looking into a mirror, in a picture I can have any look I chose but in a mirror I only see bad things. I see a girl with a bad past a LOT of regrets and a lot of hurt, anger, frustration and sadness. I don't see a single thing pretty. As my friend sat there with me and tried coaching me I told him I couldn't do it, I just couldn't say I was beautiful. When I was younger I remember my bishop telling me once that I was "scared of pride" I didn't say I was pretty because I didn't want to become one of those girls who was all about herself and didn't see beyond her own image. So I never said it nor thought it. Well since then I still have that problem but it's not just not wanting to become self centered, it's honestly not seeing anything beautiful about myself. My friend listened to me ramble on about how I'm afraid that no man will really love me because I'm scared that he'll see me the way I see me, then my friend being very loving and patient started to quote a primary song he said "I am a child of God, and He has sent me here" and then he changed it a little and said "You are a child of God, and He has sent you here" he kept singing the song and then he listed off all these wonderful things he see's in me. I tried to argue with him on some of the things he named but he wouldn't have it! After talking to me and being very supportive and understanding he quietly said "Mesa, look your self in the mirror and be honest with yourself." I finally was able to say that I was beautiful (though part of me doubted it) he made me repeat it a few times then I started crying again. After talking with him and then telling myself that I am beautiful, I felt a little better. I realized something in that space of time, I realized, I may not truly believe that I'm much of anything but my Heavenly Father does or else he wouldn't have sent me here to be tested and tried. He loves me and trusts me to make the right choices and to "live with Him once more" and that one day I'll find that one man who thinks I'm the most beautiful women he's seen, he'll put me on a pedestal and he'll love me no matter what. No matter I've done or have been through, he'll love me for the Daughter of God that I am and not what I can do or the way I'm shaped, he'll love me for me. So I may not think highly of myself, but someday someone will think I'm the world, but how will he know to think that if I can't even say I'm pretty?