"Who says"

Sometime I wish I could be like Davy Jones off pirates and cut out my heart!

I struggle a lot with how I feel, in the last 7 or so months I've had 9 different people jump on me and say some really ugly hurtful things. Just s tid-bit of the type of things that have been said are "Your a ugly worthless piece of trash" "Nobody will ever love a wh*** like you" I've had two of those people say "You deserve to die because your just a waste of life and everyone's time"
Well I've had things like that said to me since I was 13, yes it hurts a whole lot when people say it but I've been pretty good at trying not to listen or believe them, a few times I've even tried to prove how they were wrong.
But lately I've been dealing some hurt feelings and my past coming back at me, one night last week or the week before I sat up in my room crying because I couldn't shake the things I was thinking about. My dad heard me crying and came in to talk to me, I told him a piece of what was bothering me and he told me that whenever I start to think about it to pick up my book of Joseph Smith's personal writings, because ever since I can remember I've adored Joseph and could tell you just about anything about him.
I'm a teenage girl, I don't always listen to the advice my parents give me because of foolish teenage pride. However I really didn't want to hurt anymore so I've been taking Dad's advice this time, almost every night I pull out my big white book and I real. After that I either read some scriptures or I write in my journal. And I'm proud to say it's been helping, I don't sit there and fester on my hurt feelings or the scars left on me physically.

Yet there are times when those thoughts, memories, feelings and words come to mind and those times I just kinda look for a way to let it out because I'll get so depressed that I think deeply about doing things I shouldn't, often times I think things like "maybe everyone would be better without me, maybe I am a waste of time." and it becomes a lot harder to fight those thoughts when I remember the people who treated me badly or flat told me I wasn't worth the time.

Last night I was trying to comfort my friend who was having some issues with school and his family, he's a very good friend of mine and we help each other with our problems. So we were talking and I was trying to cheer him up and give him hope that it wasn't as bad as it seems. I even told him about a lesson I taught at my FHE with my YSA group not too long ago, I mentioned an experience I had that he already knew about and then gave him my thoughts on it. I said;" One time I did something pretty bad, I felt horrible and prayed for forgiveness and took the steps needed to move past it. But things in my life got terrible, I felt like I lost everything and I felt very dead and black inside, one night I was angry and I yelled screamed and cussed at God and I said I hated him for letting me hurt like I was, that he broke his promise that he'd never leave. I tried reaching out for him and I felt even more alone. But then I realized, he didn't leave me. Sometimes he lets us fall down and bust our knees, sometimes he has to let us hurt so that we can learn and grow. He loves us so much that he lets us learn."
So my friend and I talked a while longer and went to bed.

I woke up this morning with all those mean and hurtful things people have said, in my head. I looked in the mirror and like always I couldn't say I like who I saw. I thought to myself "I am ugly, I am worthless, I am a waste."
Everybody was gone but me and the little boys, so we're here doing chores yet again and I just have no energy, I tried to get up and do dishes but I couldn't. I folded some laundry but ended up sitting there crying like Ive done many times before.
I have a near impossible time saying anything good about myself, I just never have thought highly of myself at all. I try very hard to mask my own self thoughts, and to act differently than I feel so that those around me are burdened by me, I try to lift them up and make them smile. But today I just can't, my poor little brothers have tried to make me feel better but nothing worked.

But then there was a thought my mom said in talking to me the other night, she mentioned me reading her blog and said I needed to, so I decided I would get online and read it. I was reading it when all the sudden I started to cry again.
She quoted a song by Selena Gomez, the song says
Who says, who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me that's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful, who says?
Who says you're not star potential
Who says you're not presidential
Who says you can't be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don't pass the test
Who says you can't be the best
Who said, who said?
Would you tell me who said that, yeah
Who said

My whole life is music, and I mean my WHOLE life! So I already knew the song, but after reading moms thoughts and then those lyrics it hit me.. Lots of people have said I'm not pretty, lots of people have said I'm not worth it, but that doesn't mean it's true.. Mom's right, she's the best dang Marianna out there. So who's to tell me I'm not the perfect Me? I don't have to believe those other people who try to tear me down, because they don't know if I'm not the perfect me, they can't judge me! I'm me and that's all I'll ever be, so I don't have to feel bad that some other person(who I clearly didn't need in my life) doesn't think I'm pretty. They may think I'm worthless, but someday there will be somebody who thinks I'm worth the effort. Somebody who will love me for who I am, not the shape of my body and the things I can do, but for the Me that I am! :)



P.s. Thanks to http://wianwyan.blogspot.com/ <3 You mom!

Restless rantings yet again

Here it is yet again 4am, not sure what my hang up with 4am is, maybe it's my give up point. I don't know. All I know is my stomach is sick, I've got wayy too much on my mind and I can't sleep. I filled up my journal and didn't get hardly anything out and that is why I'm here. To hopefully get something out so that I can relieve some of my restfulness.

As kids we all can't wait to grow up, well it's yet again my birthday and I'm here to tell you that growing up isn't fun.. You get more stress, more responablity(yes I know I misspelled it and I don't care) more work, more effort, less caring, less sane and less sleep.. I don't like it. I think we should grow younger not older but hey that's just me.

Manti got his mission call yesterday an He's going to New Mexico! Everyone's all excited, well..not everyone.. When I saw over his shoulder where he was going it hit me "he'll be gone for TWO years!" I just kinda stood there you know like a zombie waiting to get shot in the head. He was so happy and giddy that I couldn't but be happy too, I mean he is my brother and all not to mention he's going on a mission to serve the Lord, how great is that?!
I got to thinking, I've never not had my Manti, he's always been there to chase the boy away, to pick me up, to teach why life sucks sometimes, my whole life the one thing I always had no matter what was my Manti. And that's how I looked at him, as MY Manti. So I was kinda sad that in september my Manti is gonna be gone and I won't have that..
I did fine with handling it until everyone went to bed and I went to write in my journal, I barely got one sentence out before I started crying, well then I had to go get some air so I sat out on the porch crying until midnight when mom made me come in.
And it's not that I don't want him to go because I'm so happy he's going and doing such a noble thing, Manti will be an amazing missionary, he's had plenty of teaching chances on me this year when I struggled. He's wanted to serve a mission his whole life so I want him to go, all I've ever really wanted for his was to be happy.
But goodness if it's not hard for me to let my Bubba go, I'm scared to death that when he comes home I won't be here or we won't be as close.. I'm absolutely terrified.
I love my brother a whole lot more than people realize, growing up I was always jealous of him because everyone loved me and noticed him. He was always happy and easy going, growing up he was always smart and funny and I wanted to be just like him. So I'm very sad that he's leaving but glad of why he's leaving. I'm so unbelievably proud that MY brother is not only willing but is eager to serve the Lord and to bring others into the church, and I'm over joyed to see him so happy about it too.
I refuse to let him see me cry about him leaving, because I don't want him to feel bad or second guess his decision. Which means I've got all these emotions and I don't know what to do with them, he's my best friend, I have 3 best friends and the other 2 are long distance friendships and he's seen every moment of most everything I've gone through so far. Keeping something from him is insanely difficult.. But he will not see my cry! I'm happy for him and with him, I just have to figure out how to be less sad that he's leaving, maybe if I can focus on getting my own room with a bed and a door...hehehe I get his room when he's gone ;)

Manti's mission is probably the biggest issue on my mind, but there is something else too.. Something that doesn't make me at all happy, I keep thinking about my exboyfriend. It's so dumb because I'm kinda interested in somebody right now and it's soo not my ex! Yet everything little thing somehow brings him up, listening to the radio a song will make me think of a time we shared or a feeling I had one time and I think to myself every time he pops in my head "Okay Mesa, stop thinking. Change subject!Forget him. Do something!!" and sometimes I just have to picture my brain being a cliff and me shoving him off of it so I can move along on the trail of life.. Yeah doesn't always work -_- but I'm trying at least.

I wanna go on vacation by myself somewhere where nobody knows my name or anything about me and I can just relax and breathe for once. To get away from everything going on that's bringing me down, but the problem with that is I can't get away from my own thoughts. So I've been trying to change my thoughts so whenever I finally get my chance to vacation and find a happy place, I'll be able to totally escape and to release not only all the hurt but the stress and anger too.

I am so tired it ain't even funny! And I know my mom won't be happy I'm here this late, but hopefully she'll understand that I just needed to unload a little bit. I know stress and emotion are difficult for her right now too, I've been so worried and stressed on how to help her as well. Sometimes I feel like a failure because I added more stress and frustration, and I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm stressed out to the absolute max so I'm not eating or sleeping and that's not helping at all(don't lecture me) but when I try to eat I get sick and I'm just not hungry at all. I can't sleep because I've got so much on my mind and on my plate that I try to work out one problem so I can sleep then I get another problem. I'm going insane and I'm not even in college yet(yes I actually can spell that word) Is this more of that growing up thing??

Is it just me or does this entry seem like a real downer? I need to change that huh?! I'm really working hard on changing how I view things, to have a more positive attitude and to be more happy instead of always seeming depressed. Maybe it's because of the new hair, which by the way I totally and completely love! So glad I did it! But for whatever reason I'm trying to be a light person and stop being so dark and distant, so wish me luck on that, I know I can do it!
In fact, I'm going to try sleeping. If I manage to get to sleep I'll only have about 3 hours or so, but that's more than nothing. So here goes!
...

Someday

Yesterday I got lost in thought, thinking about all the pressure I've been experiencing and my past and believe it or not, I was even thinking about how bright my future will be one day. Here lately I've been thinking a lot about a friend of mine (will I won't name at this time) and with all those thoughts filling my head I sat down under a tree and I wrote this.
Shortly after reading it some trouble showed up and I became extremely upset and very depressed, I reread this at 4am and realized that my day will come!

Some Day
By Mesa Bailey
July 2 2011

It may not be today
And it may not be tomorrow,
But there's a hope in me
Just trying to break free.
One day I'll hold my head up high,
I'll have him by my side
I'll look up towards the Heavens
And know everything really is alright this time.
My tears may fall,
There are times it's like I've lost it all
But I'll keep my faith.
Because that voice whispers on,
It may not be today
And it may not be tomorrow.
Yet still I know,
That day will come
I'll hold my head up high,
He'll be right there by side,
We'll look towards the heavens
And everything will be alright!
All I have to do now,
Is somehow make it through the night.
Maybe it'll be today,
Maybe it'll be tomorrow,
All I know is
My day will come!
....

The Sun Shines

I mentioned before, at least I believe I did, a poem unlike any other I had written. But in the case that I didn't mention it I'll explain it somewhat.
One of my sleepless nights I was very upset and depressed thinking about some things that perhaps I shouldn't have, I was trying to cheer up so that I might hopefully sleep so I turned on my facebook and read through some messages from a very dear friend. I can never be less than happy when I talk with him, he's my best friend and is the most helpful and sweetest person I've met so far. He and I don't talk everyday but we do talk a lot and I have most of our conversations saved because he's teaching me about his culture so I save them so that I can go back and refresh my memory I also keep them because there are many times where I need some cheering up and he's the best at doing that. Well after reading our conversations I pulled out my notebook and wrote this poem inspired by him. So this is my "The Sun Shines"

The Sun Shine

By Mesa Bailey

June 25th 2011

Sun shining down on the dew soaked grass.

The smell of sweet ceder and pine fills the air,

It's the fresh start of a new day.

The birds sing,

And the flowers all a bloom.

Take a chance to listen to our Mother Earths song

As the warm summer breeze blows through the branches of the trees,

Such a gift we forget to see.

Sad darkness of yesterday now cast away,

Chased those shadows back, into the distant hills of our memory

By the golden beams from up above

And watch Butterfly kiss the ground with her gentle wing.

It's the start of a brand new beautiful today.

So let the sun come out from it's rest,

Warming your soul with it's radiant light.

Release your burdens in the breeze,

And watch the wind carry your troubles away.

No longer will you linger in the yesterdays

But lose yourself in the start of each new day!

Feel the tender love of Mother Earth's embrace,

Close your eyes, open your heart and make ready,

For the sun shines down on the dew soaked grass

Don't be afraid,

Take that step into a new today.

.....

Over thinking?

Last night was another one of those nights where I couldn't sleep much, I had so much on my mind that I just had no real chance of resting.
Lately I've been trying to avoid thinking about a few topics, but it seems the harder I try to not think about them them more I end up thinking about not thinking.. So I pulled out my journal and while I wasn't sure where I'd start or if I've even get anything out, I put pen to paper and in less than an hour I had 10 pages filled with different rantings about what all has been going on.
I started off talking about how maddeningly frustrating some male friends of mine have been of late, see I have two fairly good male friends who I've explained my position on relationships and what not, I've told them both that I am looking for anything romantic at the present time because I've been badly hurt and I'm trying to recover and rebuild before I get into anything else and I don't want anyone getting hurt because I wasn't ready to jump into something.. Anyway, I went over it a couple times with each guy, I told them we could go on dates and stuff if and only if it were group dates. So there were a few small things planned, and then the two guys starting arguing over which one I 'belonged' to.
They both came to me and told me about the statements made by both parties, and they wanted me to say that I was with one of them..
Well, if you know me at all you should know giving me an ultimatum isn't very wise, if you give me an ultimatum it tells me things that I need to know, however in giving me one, you will not get the out come you want.. I.E. I had a guy once tell me to pick between my church and him, thinking that because I loved him I'd give up my belief and be with him and while I loved him I told him to hit the road because I won't give my what I believe and I also think that if you give me an ultimatum than you don't love me.
So, I told both of my friends that until they can mature and stop acting like children fighting some toy that I wouldn't talk to either of them. So one got mad and said some thing, the other has been worried and will message me through out the day hoping to fix things. And it's not so much that I'm angry with them, although I'm not happy, it's more that I don't belong to anyone and that I find fighting over a person who has already made their desire to not be in a relationship to be very dumb and childish. Not to mention its very stressful!

Then I talked about the researched I've been doing on Africa over the past month or two, right now I'm reading a book about the Cape Coast slave trade, I didn't think I'd find it very interesting at first, but it's very cool to see what all happened and at the same time it makes me a little upset that the value of human life was so little and meant almost nothing. Who knew history could be interesting? haha.
I've been learning so much about Africa, and most especially Ghana, it's so cool to me to see how like my native culture the people of Ghana are. It's really interesting, and I can't wait to keep learning about it too!

As you can probably see there is a lot on my mind, a lot of which I won't go into detail about. There's not enough space in the internet for it all anyhow. But I've found that getting just a little bit out at a time is quite helpful, while I still lose many nights sleep due to over thought, I'm slowly making progress towards one day perhaps having a restful full nights sleep. Ahh that'll be the day. LOL! So if ever you find that I'm on what seems like an endless rant, it's most likely a case of me over thinking and trying to unload without saying too much. :)
There is one subject that one day I'll be brave enough to discuss and get out there, but as it stands now it's still too painful and upsetting to me, although to some it would seem like nothing or not a big deal, it hurts me a lot and I think about it often. But, like I said at the beginning of my blog I'm trying to recover from it. I look forward to the day of putting him behind me, and no longer having that ache in my heart.. So anyway, not sure how I got there (most likely from lack of sleep) but when that day comes and I talk about it all, I'll no doubt be able to sleep after it. Sadly that day is not today.

Well, I think I've ranted enough for one day.. Sorry about the long rant seemingly about nothing. That happens when I don't sleep, I tend to go on about what seems like nothing but have a lot of things hidden in it. You never know what you might learn if you read between the line ;)

Study madness

I've been studying for my G.E.D. test, witch every home schooled student needs in order to get into collage in this state. I've been working my very hardest to get it and to prepare myself both mentally and emotionally, I didn't realize a year ago when I began studying for this that it would completely stress me out and drain ever ounce of energy out of my already exhausted body and emotional state! I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've sat up at night crying because of the stress and worry with my G.E.D.
Until the beginning of this month I was very confidant in myself, I've taken practises so many times I've almost got them memorized.. I was getting a 95% every time I took a test, so I didn't really have a lot of doubt. So I went to sign up for the free G.E.D. classes that teach how to take the test and they break each portion of the test down so that your more comfortable and can get the best score possible, I contacted the collage where the class was going to be held and I got things set up so they sent me a placement test. I went to take the test on line but my brothers were pestering me and I couldn't focus as well as I should've and I failed the test very terribly. The school called me and told me "We're sorry but you aren't smart enough to attend any school in Georgia, You can't take test because your home schooling didn't teach you how to test. So there's no hope." and after crying for a long time I got a little mad, what an idiotic women, so what I didn't do well on the dumb placement test, I'm not stupid, I'm pretty smart and I love to learn. So my best friend called and he asked me how things were going with school and I told him about the phone call, now my friend is very intelligent and is going to collage to become a doctor he's almost finished and also tutors people like me. He sat there and told me how I wasn't going to let that lady tell me I wasn't good enough and I was going to study harder and show her how this girl doesn't back down when she wants something as badly as I want collage.

I've knuckled down and I've been studying almost non-stop since then, I've got so many numbers going through my head it's unreal. But I'm trying and I'm GOING to get this!! There's just no other way for me to make my dreams a reality and I refuse to give up on my dreams of collage. I'm going to study cosmetology and massage therapy. :) so lots of playing, and fun experiences. I love cutting hair and doing nails (you should see my fingers sometime)

Sleepless night of too much thought

Wow, my last blog was April 19th 2010, and there is much to be said since then. However it is 3am and the only reason I'm here at all is because there is far too much on my 'simply complacated' mind for me to sleep, thusly I'm here trying to unload so that maybe if I'm lucky I'll be able to find some peace enough to sleep..

Lately I've been hearing a lot of people say "One day you'll look back at all this and you'll say to your self 'that wasn't as big a deal'" and the ever popular "Someday all these troubles and problems will seem like nothing compared to what you'll deal with later." well you know what, I'm not in the future.. I'm here now, dealing with all the things now, not later when it isn't such a problem and hurt less, I'm in it now.. I'm experencing it now, and I'm in the present not the future. So while those sayings may be well and true, I'm not to that point yet. I'd very much like to get there how ever.
The thing that really gets me is this, I'm my own person and while others may have gone through things close to what I'm going through they aren't me, they aren't Mesa and they don't have my brain nor my emotions so they can't know every point of what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong I enjoy knowing I can relate to someone out there even if their some crazy old cat lady or whatever(not saying there is an old crazy cat lady, just saying.) it's just that I have a hard time when somebody tells me "oh this is nothing I've been there." the key word here is 'there' you WERE there, I AM there... enough of that rant haha you get the point.

I've noticed in the last 6 or so months that I keep alot of my thoughts and feelings to myself because I try so hard to not add to others stress and worry that I keep it all bottled up until I melt down or somethin bad happens. I've learned that's rather selfish of me, while I'm trying to help others by not adding to their problems I'm causing problems for the people closest to me by not letting them see what's bothering me.

I heard a saying today from a friend, the saying goes "Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting that they won't" after hearing that I got to thinking, if that saying is true which I strongly believe it is, then I've only really loved two men.. There were others that I had strong feelings for but I didn't truly love them (going by that saying)
Last year I dated a guy, I fell in love with this guy, and I mean I fell in love. He became my whole entire world and I just adored him. I had known him for a while but it wasn't until we spent a lot of time at a youth conference together that I realized I liked him, so we talked alot until he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes of course and we had a fairly good relationship (so I thought) we talked everyday and we became very very close, after 9 months of us dating he asked me a very major question. He asked me if I would marry him. I was so completely in love with him that I wanted to spend my life with him, I wanted to marry him in the temple and us have a family of our own. He didn't want to tell his family right away because he said his dad would be very upset, he talked alot about his dad being a nasty hateful person(which turned out not to be the case) so we decided that since we weren't going to tell his family we wouldn't tell mine right away. We were going to wait a few months and then get our families together and tell them together. But he went and told all his friends and I had so many people I didn't know come tell me congrats.
We were engaged for a very long time, I kept asking him when could we get the families together because I was so excited and so incredibly happy I wanted them to share that with me even though my family didn't like him very much, I thought they would be happy because I was sooo happy about it! I'm telling you I loved him so very much..
Time went on and we kept talking about it, he said he couldn't tell his family till after we were married because they would try to stop us. So we came up with a simple plan, he wanted me to move away with him, get married and then tell our families. To start with I didn't like it, but I said "what the heck, I love him so it'll be ok" but things started to happen. Things were going on that were causing me a lot of problems and stress, he wasn't doing well in school he wasn't getting along with his family and so things on his side were getting pretty bad too. We talked about it and I said to him that I thought we needed to take some space to spare each other the added stress, I wanted to protect him from what I was dealing with. So we broke up but we kept contact and we talked everyday, we still told each other we loved each other everyday.
Things got better so we start talking about getting back together, then I go to a YSA dance and he was supposed to be there so I was super excited to see him. After all we both still wore our rings and everything. I got all pretty for the dance and I get up there, he's not there. I called him and didn't get an answer, I bump into his best female friend who I happen to be friends with as well and I ask her about him. She tells me that she had heard he was with a 9th grade girl not in highschool yet. So I was confused, she also told me he wasn't living with his family that he was living with a friend of mine that he hated. I called the friend and it was the absolute worst phone call of my life!
He told me that my fiance had a 9th grade girlfriend who wasn't in high school yet, and some other details I rather not mention..
Needless to mention I cried the whole rest of the night, I cried all through the dance and all through the car ride home. Did I happen to mention I car pooled there??

After that night I've often thought about him, I've not spoken to him since but I have sent him one poem that I wrote for him. It was the last thing I have said to him, when I wrote it I didn't intend to share it with anyone not even him. But it was very emotional and very much the things I felt and thought. So one night I saw him on facebook and I thought, you know what, he needs to know this. So I emailed it to him. And I said "I've written you many poems and many songs, but this my dear will be your very last." and I attached the poem. I'll post that here some other time.
He responded to my email but I never read it, he's since sent me a handful of messages and emails but I've not read any of them. I delete them as soon as I see his name. Not to be ugly or anything, but because it simply hurts far too much.
I saw the head line for one message he had sent and the subject said "I love Christine" (which by the way, he never could remember my first name he called me Christine most of the time when he'd use my full name....) when I saw him say that I thought to myself 'no you don't, you never really did love me. If you had you would've at least learned my name..'
He and I were together a total of 18 and a half months, and were about to get back together when I learned the truth..
I gave him the power to break my heart, I trusted very much that he wouldn't break it. But that meant nothing to him, if a man can't remember your name than chances are he doesn't care at all about you.
If he had loved me at all he wouldn't have lied to me like he did. Every word he had spoken to me was a lie, now before you say to your self 'hey wait a second, you don't know that EVERYTHING was a lie' I went to his family, I went to his friends, I went to everyone and I found that his age was a lie, where he was from was a lie, some of his siblings were a lie, the stories I fought and defended about his past were lies. Even his name was a lie..

He had the power to break my heart, and for whatever reason he chose to.

After almost 7 months since I learned the truth, I still hurt very much from it. I couldn't sit here and write it without crying like a child, I've struggled to write it in my journal because I can't do it without crying. It has kept me up many nights because I have so many thoughts about it that I can't rest.
It's not that I want him back or anything, because I'll tell you right I do not! I feel stupid for falling for him and getting myself so hurt, I blame myself for a lot of trails my family has gone through since then and I've hurt far more than I am able to express because of it. And it's not like I sit and try to think of him, I try every hard to not think about him or all the times we shared.
I read in a book once "You've only truly forgotten someone when you forget to be forgetting them" and that's what I've been trying to do, is to forget about him and put him out of my heart and my mind. One day I'll look back on this and I'll think 'you know what, that wasn't such a terrible thing. That was nothing at all.' but like I said, I'm not there yet.. I'm still hurting and I'm trying to get to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore.
One day I'll get there, and I'll never look back. One day...