Over thinking?

Last night was another one of those nights where I couldn't sleep much, I had so much on my mind that I just had no real chance of resting.
Lately I've been trying to avoid thinking about a few topics, but it seems the harder I try to not think about them them more I end up thinking about not thinking.. So I pulled out my journal and while I wasn't sure where I'd start or if I've even get anything out, I put pen to paper and in less than an hour I had 10 pages filled with different rantings about what all has been going on.
I started off talking about how maddeningly frustrating some male friends of mine have been of late, see I have two fairly good male friends who I've explained my position on relationships and what not, I've told them both that I am looking for anything romantic at the present time because I've been badly hurt and I'm trying to recover and rebuild before I get into anything else and I don't want anyone getting hurt because I wasn't ready to jump into something.. Anyway, I went over it a couple times with each guy, I told them we could go on dates and stuff if and only if it were group dates. So there were a few small things planned, and then the two guys starting arguing over which one I 'belonged' to.
They both came to me and told me about the statements made by both parties, and they wanted me to say that I was with one of them..
Well, if you know me at all you should know giving me an ultimatum isn't very wise, if you give me an ultimatum it tells me things that I need to know, however in giving me one, you will not get the out come you want.. I.E. I had a guy once tell me to pick between my church and him, thinking that because I loved him I'd give up my belief and be with him and while I loved him I told him to hit the road because I won't give my what I believe and I also think that if you give me an ultimatum than you don't love me.
So, I told both of my friends that until they can mature and stop acting like children fighting some toy that I wouldn't talk to either of them. So one got mad and said some thing, the other has been worried and will message me through out the day hoping to fix things. And it's not so much that I'm angry with them, although I'm not happy, it's more that I don't belong to anyone and that I find fighting over a person who has already made their desire to not be in a relationship to be very dumb and childish. Not to mention its very stressful!

Then I talked about the researched I've been doing on Africa over the past month or two, right now I'm reading a book about the Cape Coast slave trade, I didn't think I'd find it very interesting at first, but it's very cool to see what all happened and at the same time it makes me a little upset that the value of human life was so little and meant almost nothing. Who knew history could be interesting? haha.
I've been learning so much about Africa, and most especially Ghana, it's so cool to me to see how like my native culture the people of Ghana are. It's really interesting, and I can't wait to keep learning about it too!

As you can probably see there is a lot on my mind, a lot of which I won't go into detail about. There's not enough space in the internet for it all anyhow. But I've found that getting just a little bit out at a time is quite helpful, while I still lose many nights sleep due to over thought, I'm slowly making progress towards one day perhaps having a restful full nights sleep. Ahh that'll be the day. LOL! So if ever you find that I'm on what seems like an endless rant, it's most likely a case of me over thinking and trying to unload without saying too much. :)
There is one subject that one day I'll be brave enough to discuss and get out there, but as it stands now it's still too painful and upsetting to me, although to some it would seem like nothing or not a big deal, it hurts me a lot and I think about it often. But, like I said at the beginning of my blog I'm trying to recover from it. I look forward to the day of putting him behind me, and no longer having that ache in my heart.. So anyway, not sure how I got there (most likely from lack of sleep) but when that day comes and I talk about it all, I'll no doubt be able to sleep after it. Sadly that day is not today.

Well, I think I've ranted enough for one day.. Sorry about the long rant seemingly about nothing. That happens when I don't sleep, I tend to go on about what seems like nothing but have a lot of things hidden in it. You never know what you might learn if you read between the line ;)

Study madness

I've been studying for my G.E.D. test, witch every home schooled student needs in order to get into collage in this state. I've been working my very hardest to get it and to prepare myself both mentally and emotionally, I didn't realize a year ago when I began studying for this that it would completely stress me out and drain ever ounce of energy out of my already exhausted body and emotional state! I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've sat up at night crying because of the stress and worry with my G.E.D.
Until the beginning of this month I was very confidant in myself, I've taken practises so many times I've almost got them memorized.. I was getting a 95% every time I took a test, so I didn't really have a lot of doubt. So I went to sign up for the free G.E.D. classes that teach how to take the test and they break each portion of the test down so that your more comfortable and can get the best score possible, I contacted the collage where the class was going to be held and I got things set up so they sent me a placement test. I went to take the test on line but my brothers were pestering me and I couldn't focus as well as I should've and I failed the test very terribly. The school called me and told me "We're sorry but you aren't smart enough to attend any school in Georgia, You can't take test because your home schooling didn't teach you how to test. So there's no hope." and after crying for a long time I got a little mad, what an idiotic women, so what I didn't do well on the dumb placement test, I'm not stupid, I'm pretty smart and I love to learn. So my best friend called and he asked me how things were going with school and I told him about the phone call, now my friend is very intelligent and is going to collage to become a doctor he's almost finished and also tutors people like me. He sat there and told me how I wasn't going to let that lady tell me I wasn't good enough and I was going to study harder and show her how this girl doesn't back down when she wants something as badly as I want collage.

I've knuckled down and I've been studying almost non-stop since then, I've got so many numbers going through my head it's unreal. But I'm trying and I'm GOING to get this!! There's just no other way for me to make my dreams a reality and I refuse to give up on my dreams of collage. I'm going to study cosmetology and massage therapy. :) so lots of playing, and fun experiences. I love cutting hair and doing nails (you should see my fingers sometime)

Sleepless night of too much thought

Wow, my last blog was April 19th 2010, and there is much to be said since then. However it is 3am and the only reason I'm here at all is because there is far too much on my 'simply complacated' mind for me to sleep, thusly I'm here trying to unload so that maybe if I'm lucky I'll be able to find some peace enough to sleep..

Lately I've been hearing a lot of people say "One day you'll look back at all this and you'll say to your self 'that wasn't as big a deal'" and the ever popular "Someday all these troubles and problems will seem like nothing compared to what you'll deal with later." well you know what, I'm not in the future.. I'm here now, dealing with all the things now, not later when it isn't such a problem and hurt less, I'm in it now.. I'm experencing it now, and I'm in the present not the future. So while those sayings may be well and true, I'm not to that point yet. I'd very much like to get there how ever.
The thing that really gets me is this, I'm my own person and while others may have gone through things close to what I'm going through they aren't me, they aren't Mesa and they don't have my brain nor my emotions so they can't know every point of what I'm going through. Don't get me wrong I enjoy knowing I can relate to someone out there even if their some crazy old cat lady or whatever(not saying there is an old crazy cat lady, just saying.) it's just that I have a hard time when somebody tells me "oh this is nothing I've been there." the key word here is 'there' you WERE there, I AM there... enough of that rant haha you get the point.

I've noticed in the last 6 or so months that I keep alot of my thoughts and feelings to myself because I try so hard to not add to others stress and worry that I keep it all bottled up until I melt down or somethin bad happens. I've learned that's rather selfish of me, while I'm trying to help others by not adding to their problems I'm causing problems for the people closest to me by not letting them see what's bothering me.

I heard a saying today from a friend, the saying goes "Love is giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting that they won't" after hearing that I got to thinking, if that saying is true which I strongly believe it is, then I've only really loved two men.. There were others that I had strong feelings for but I didn't truly love them (going by that saying)
Last year I dated a guy, I fell in love with this guy, and I mean I fell in love. He became my whole entire world and I just adored him. I had known him for a while but it wasn't until we spent a lot of time at a youth conference together that I realized I liked him, so we talked alot until he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes of course and we had a fairly good relationship (so I thought) we talked everyday and we became very very close, after 9 months of us dating he asked me a very major question. He asked me if I would marry him. I was so completely in love with him that I wanted to spend my life with him, I wanted to marry him in the temple and us have a family of our own. He didn't want to tell his family right away because he said his dad would be very upset, he talked alot about his dad being a nasty hateful person(which turned out not to be the case) so we decided that since we weren't going to tell his family we wouldn't tell mine right away. We were going to wait a few months and then get our families together and tell them together. But he went and told all his friends and I had so many people I didn't know come tell me congrats.
We were engaged for a very long time, I kept asking him when could we get the families together because I was so excited and so incredibly happy I wanted them to share that with me even though my family didn't like him very much, I thought they would be happy because I was sooo happy about it! I'm telling you I loved him so very much..
Time went on and we kept talking about it, he said he couldn't tell his family till after we were married because they would try to stop us. So we came up with a simple plan, he wanted me to move away with him, get married and then tell our families. To start with I didn't like it, but I said "what the heck, I love him so it'll be ok" but things started to happen. Things were going on that were causing me a lot of problems and stress, he wasn't doing well in school he wasn't getting along with his family and so things on his side were getting pretty bad too. We talked about it and I said to him that I thought we needed to take some space to spare each other the added stress, I wanted to protect him from what I was dealing with. So we broke up but we kept contact and we talked everyday, we still told each other we loved each other everyday.
Things got better so we start talking about getting back together, then I go to a YSA dance and he was supposed to be there so I was super excited to see him. After all we both still wore our rings and everything. I got all pretty for the dance and I get up there, he's not there. I called him and didn't get an answer, I bump into his best female friend who I happen to be friends with as well and I ask her about him. She tells me that she had heard he was with a 9th grade girl not in highschool yet. So I was confused, she also told me he wasn't living with his family that he was living with a friend of mine that he hated. I called the friend and it was the absolute worst phone call of my life!
He told me that my fiance had a 9th grade girlfriend who wasn't in high school yet, and some other details I rather not mention..
Needless to mention I cried the whole rest of the night, I cried all through the dance and all through the car ride home. Did I happen to mention I car pooled there??

After that night I've often thought about him, I've not spoken to him since but I have sent him one poem that I wrote for him. It was the last thing I have said to him, when I wrote it I didn't intend to share it with anyone not even him. But it was very emotional and very much the things I felt and thought. So one night I saw him on facebook and I thought, you know what, he needs to know this. So I emailed it to him. And I said "I've written you many poems and many songs, but this my dear will be your very last." and I attached the poem. I'll post that here some other time.
He responded to my email but I never read it, he's since sent me a handful of messages and emails but I've not read any of them. I delete them as soon as I see his name. Not to be ugly or anything, but because it simply hurts far too much.
I saw the head line for one message he had sent and the subject said "I love Christine" (which by the way, he never could remember my first name he called me Christine most of the time when he'd use my full name....) when I saw him say that I thought to myself 'no you don't, you never really did love me. If you had you would've at least learned my name..'
He and I were together a total of 18 and a half months, and were about to get back together when I learned the truth..
I gave him the power to break my heart, I trusted very much that he wouldn't break it. But that meant nothing to him, if a man can't remember your name than chances are he doesn't care at all about you.
If he had loved me at all he wouldn't have lied to me like he did. Every word he had spoken to me was a lie, now before you say to your self 'hey wait a second, you don't know that EVERYTHING was a lie' I went to his family, I went to his friends, I went to everyone and I found that his age was a lie, where he was from was a lie, some of his siblings were a lie, the stories I fought and defended about his past were lies. Even his name was a lie..

He had the power to break my heart, and for whatever reason he chose to.

After almost 7 months since I learned the truth, I still hurt very much from it. I couldn't sit here and write it without crying like a child, I've struggled to write it in my journal because I can't do it without crying. It has kept me up many nights because I have so many thoughts about it that I can't rest.
It's not that I want him back or anything, because I'll tell you right I do not! I feel stupid for falling for him and getting myself so hurt, I blame myself for a lot of trails my family has gone through since then and I've hurt far more than I am able to express because of it. And it's not like I sit and try to think of him, I try every hard to not think about him or all the times we shared.
I read in a book once "You've only truly forgotten someone when you forget to be forgetting them" and that's what I've been trying to do, is to forget about him and put him out of my heart and my mind. One day I'll look back on this and I'll think 'you know what, that wasn't such a terrible thing. That was nothing at all.' but like I said, I'm not there yet.. I'm still hurting and I'm trying to get to the point where it doesn't hurt anymore.
One day I'll get there, and I'll never look back. One day...

Captive

Ok in all honesty this one is more for me than anybody else. And I like it so yeah...

Captive

By Mesa Bailey

April 19, 2010

A little broken glass and tears

That won’t ever fall.

I want to tell you the truth,

But truth is I’m nothing to you.

No amount of lies can fix me this time.

Bitterness flows like water,

Out of the mouth with a forked tongue

Your words echo as the great thunder,

Rolling across the spaces of my mind

Changing beauty into darkness,

With the cruelty of a single word!

Oh how the heart urns for the peace,

Just the sense of freedom and happiness to bring

So far out of reach it seems.

Give me a chance to prove,

I’m not what you see.

This hollow shell isn’t me!

Take the time to open your eyes,

Silence your anger and quite your hate,

These are the things that a fragile heart can’t take!

Shards of glass and bitter tears,

Hidden captive to your emptiness

You won’t open your heart to the truth

So I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere.

Weighed down beneath the lies,

Somewhere deep inside there’s a light

Fighting it’s way to the surface.

Don’t push me away like the clouds above,

Casting a shadow on the earth below

The truth I want you to know.

Sadly truth is I’m nothing at all

But a faint whisper in your sleep,

A secret held inside the stars aglow.

Holding onto the little broken glass and tears,

Things you won’t see,

That are captive in me

…..

Spilling more emotions

I'm not to good at expressing my thoughts or feelings, as I'm sure you've clearly noticed by now too there are things that can weigh pretty heavy on a teenage mind..

I try pretty hard to keep from adding stress onto my parents and everyone around me so I keep most of my thoughts, problems and feelings to my self. Which frusterates (I can't spell I know) a few people because I just never open up enough, in fact it's rare I open up at all to anyone other than Possum my dog.. I guess it's just easier to talk to him because he won't judge me or get upset when I say the wrong things, he'll love me no matter what I say or do. Not to mention I spend a lot of time out there with him and as crazy as you may think I am, he talks back to me. But he's never harsh or angry, he's always loving and tender when it comes to me. That's why it's so easy for me to just go outside and sit in the dog house with a jar of peanut butter and curl up with my big fluffy Possum and spill my heart and mind out.

I'm not trying to avoid talking to other people nor am I purposely keeping those very same thoughts and feelings from them. Sometimes it just feels like because I'm a teenager and because I'm a girl nobody takes me seriously or even truly listens. Because I'm a girl people think I'm out to get attention or cause drama. No that is not my intentions, honestly I rather just be left alone most of the time. I want to just not be noticed, but I fail terribly sometimes. Oh well.

Don't get me wrong, every now and then I enjoy feeling like I matter enough for somebody to stop and pay attention to whats going on in my world. But most of the time I just want to be aloud to be myself and not be judged or misjudged which is often the case with me.
As I've had to learn the hard way from church and well from the world, being 17 and not wanting to drink or smoke, by not having sexual relationships or dressing in jeans that are so tight u can see the tag from the outside and shirts so low cut you can tell what brand of bra I prefer, is hard. I can't tell you how many times I've been made fun of and lost friends both in and out of the church because I didn't have my first kiss till I was 16 and because I've not done other things that sadly every girl my age I know has..

I've been dating my boyfriend Indy for almost ten months now. It'll be ten months next week, but sadly we've never spent not one of the last nine month dates together, and much to my dismay we won't be able to again this month..
I see him so rarely it breaks my heart and I do everything possible when I think I might have a chance to him, sometimes things don't work out and we go a month or two without seeing each other. Then there are times like right now were we can't see each other or talk for a month. It has truly been the hardest thing I've ever gone through, I even started doubting his and my own feelings... I haven't been able to sleep since he "left" and what really drives me nuts is nobody will leave me alone!
I had to stop and ask myself some questions, such as:

1. Can I picture my life with him
2. Do I really love him or is it just a "crush"
3. Am I forcing myself to feel this way for him
4. Would we be able to attend the temple
5. How would I honestly feel about eternity with him
   

When I was praying about each question and searching the scriptures for the proper answers I also was talking to a friend, we've never met face to face but we're pretty good friends and so he offered me some advice. He said "Mesa, you have to take a step back and get out of your self and look at this from a different stand point. Put your emotions aside and let the Spirit whisper to you, if your stuck inside your self you'll never hear his voice or answers"
So I've been using this time without him to take that step back and just listen while I pray and study...

I stopped being so upset about him not being here, but I learned something. Something I didn't think I would and I had thought I already knew. People say that nothing that's worth having comes easy, that if your not willing to fight for something then it doesn't really mean anything to you. But then again those same people say that true love is the easiest thing in the world....
Well here is my confusion, if it comes easy and you don't have to fight for it then how do you know it's real?!?
My relationship isn't at all easy, sometimes it feels as if everyone is trying to pull it apart. I've thought that perhaps it was a test, the answers to prayers in a way. To see what each is willing to go through for the other.

Last month we went to a dance and we spent the whole night dancing and enjoying each others company, it was one of my favorite nights for many reasons one of which being as we danced to this one song I sang it to him and then after the song a man came up to me and shook my hand, he then said "That was the sweetest thing I have ever seen, it almost seemed like y'all were the only two on the floor. It was very clear by the look in your eyes and the sound in your voice that y'all love each other!" then as my eyes watered he gave some advice and walked away. I stood there and thought to myself who is this man and how did he see into my heart like that!
A stranger saw the way he looks at me and just knew how we both feel towards each other. Then I found out that man was a bishop of another way in a different stake. How cool is that, a bishop saw what I wish the world could see.

During this time of wondering about our feelings I read back through my journals and happened on that entry, it made me remember every detail of that night and reassured some things I've read.
I dearly wish you could see how he looks at me like he did that night!!
I miss him :/ But prom is three weeks away so I'll see him then, thank goodness.

I'm suddenly so tired. Maybe it's just the relief of getting these things off my chest and off my mind. Maybe now I can study for my ham radio test and focus more. HAHA wish me luck! I'm gonna need it I'm afraid.

~Mesa

Other Side

It's rare that I really like a poem where I attempt to rhyme. But this one I think came out well and helped me get some of my emotions.. So heres my "Other Side"

Other Side

By Mesa Bailey

April 5, 2010

Oh the words you said,

How they cut me to the core.

Should’ve stuck the path lead,

Because I swear we’ve been here before.

Took the wrong turn,

Could’ve lead my thoughts astray

Sadly the lessons we learn,

When all I want is you to stay!

Forget the lies long since past,

The way they cut like a knife.

Pray this feeling won’t last,

Heartache feels sometimes like taking a life.

All I want is you to understand,

That for you I’ll always wait.

Reaching out for you to simply touch my hand,

And hoping my love isn’t to late!

I put my trust in you,

Now don’t leave me here alone.

Because I’m no longer sure what to do

Somewhere deep inside I should’ve known!

From sea or from the land,

Don’t walk away.

Please stop and take my hand,

And listen to what my heart wants to say!

Oh the words you just said,

How they cut me to the core.

Didn’t listen to my head,

Now I know we’ve been here before..

A Prayer

Well, this is my newest poem.. Not sure why I wrote this or where it came from. It isn't the type of thing I'm normally write so even if you think it's terrible please comment so I can try to fix it.
Thanks!

A Prayer
By Mesa Bailey
March 7, 2010

Gliding through the sky,
On the wings of a dove
Sweet words uttered so softly,
Filling the open air with rays of hope
Gingerly the message it brings.
Though dark and dreary,
Our world may seem
A silver lining resting on your heavenly wing!
Open the clouds and let the whispers in
I wished on a shooting star,
Watching it fall out of view.
Lighting the night.
Fading with trails of truth,
Whisked away by my dreams
Floating above it all,
The sound of the rain,
Sweet music in the air!
Like a dream to you I’ll seem.
Resting on the cold ground below,
You took a chance.
Walking a thin line,
Both sides of truth,
Love and hate.
Oh the decisions we make!
Whisper a prayer into the night,
Right there under the moon
I’ll be by your side.
Gliding through the open air,
Until the days I’ll rest,
On the wings of a dove
My simple prayer!