Captive

Ok in all honesty this one is more for me than anybody else. And I like it so yeah...

Captive

By Mesa Bailey

April 19, 2010

A little broken glass and tears

That won’t ever fall.

I want to tell you the truth,

But truth is I’m nothing to you.

No amount of lies can fix me this time.

Bitterness flows like water,

Out of the mouth with a forked tongue

Your words echo as the great thunder,

Rolling across the spaces of my mind

Changing beauty into darkness,

With the cruelty of a single word!

Oh how the heart urns for the peace,

Just the sense of freedom and happiness to bring

So far out of reach it seems.

Give me a chance to prove,

I’m not what you see.

This hollow shell isn’t me!

Take the time to open your eyes,

Silence your anger and quite your hate,

These are the things that a fragile heart can’t take!

Shards of glass and bitter tears,

Hidden captive to your emptiness

You won’t open your heart to the truth

So I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere.

Weighed down beneath the lies,

Somewhere deep inside there’s a light

Fighting it’s way to the surface.

Don’t push me away like the clouds above,

Casting a shadow on the earth below

The truth I want you to know.

Sadly truth is I’m nothing at all

But a faint whisper in your sleep,

A secret held inside the stars aglow.

Holding onto the little broken glass and tears,

Things you won’t see,

That are captive in me

…..

Spilling more emotions

I'm not to good at expressing my thoughts or feelings, as I'm sure you've clearly noticed by now too there are things that can weigh pretty heavy on a teenage mind..

I try pretty hard to keep from adding stress onto my parents and everyone around me so I keep most of my thoughts, problems and feelings to my self. Which frusterates (I can't spell I know) a few people because I just never open up enough, in fact it's rare I open up at all to anyone other than Possum my dog.. I guess it's just easier to talk to him because he won't judge me or get upset when I say the wrong things, he'll love me no matter what I say or do. Not to mention I spend a lot of time out there with him and as crazy as you may think I am, he talks back to me. But he's never harsh or angry, he's always loving and tender when it comes to me. That's why it's so easy for me to just go outside and sit in the dog house with a jar of peanut butter and curl up with my big fluffy Possum and spill my heart and mind out.

I'm not trying to avoid talking to other people nor am I purposely keeping those very same thoughts and feelings from them. Sometimes it just feels like because I'm a teenager and because I'm a girl nobody takes me seriously or even truly listens. Because I'm a girl people think I'm out to get attention or cause drama. No that is not my intentions, honestly I rather just be left alone most of the time. I want to just not be noticed, but I fail terribly sometimes. Oh well.

Don't get me wrong, every now and then I enjoy feeling like I matter enough for somebody to stop and pay attention to whats going on in my world. But most of the time I just want to be aloud to be myself and not be judged or misjudged which is often the case with me.
As I've had to learn the hard way from church and well from the world, being 17 and not wanting to drink or smoke, by not having sexual relationships or dressing in jeans that are so tight u can see the tag from the outside and shirts so low cut you can tell what brand of bra I prefer, is hard. I can't tell you how many times I've been made fun of and lost friends both in and out of the church because I didn't have my first kiss till I was 16 and because I've not done other things that sadly every girl my age I know has..

I've been dating my boyfriend Indy for almost ten months now. It'll be ten months next week, but sadly we've never spent not one of the last nine month dates together, and much to my dismay we won't be able to again this month..
I see him so rarely it breaks my heart and I do everything possible when I think I might have a chance to him, sometimes things don't work out and we go a month or two without seeing each other. Then there are times like right now were we can't see each other or talk for a month. It has truly been the hardest thing I've ever gone through, I even started doubting his and my own feelings... I haven't been able to sleep since he "left" and what really drives me nuts is nobody will leave me alone!
I had to stop and ask myself some questions, such as:

1. Can I picture my life with him
2. Do I really love him or is it just a "crush"
3. Am I forcing myself to feel this way for him
4. Would we be able to attend the temple
5. How would I honestly feel about eternity with him
   

When I was praying about each question and searching the scriptures for the proper answers I also was talking to a friend, we've never met face to face but we're pretty good friends and so he offered me some advice. He said "Mesa, you have to take a step back and get out of your self and look at this from a different stand point. Put your emotions aside and let the Spirit whisper to you, if your stuck inside your self you'll never hear his voice or answers"
So I've been using this time without him to take that step back and just listen while I pray and study...

I stopped being so upset about him not being here, but I learned something. Something I didn't think I would and I had thought I already knew. People say that nothing that's worth having comes easy, that if your not willing to fight for something then it doesn't really mean anything to you. But then again those same people say that true love is the easiest thing in the world....
Well here is my confusion, if it comes easy and you don't have to fight for it then how do you know it's real?!?
My relationship isn't at all easy, sometimes it feels as if everyone is trying to pull it apart. I've thought that perhaps it was a test, the answers to prayers in a way. To see what each is willing to go through for the other.

Last month we went to a dance and we spent the whole night dancing and enjoying each others company, it was one of my favorite nights for many reasons one of which being as we danced to this one song I sang it to him and then after the song a man came up to me and shook my hand, he then said "That was the sweetest thing I have ever seen, it almost seemed like y'all were the only two on the floor. It was very clear by the look in your eyes and the sound in your voice that y'all love each other!" then as my eyes watered he gave some advice and walked away. I stood there and thought to myself who is this man and how did he see into my heart like that!
A stranger saw the way he looks at me and just knew how we both feel towards each other. Then I found out that man was a bishop of another way in a different stake. How cool is that, a bishop saw what I wish the world could see.

During this time of wondering about our feelings I read back through my journals and happened on that entry, it made me remember every detail of that night and reassured some things I've read.
I dearly wish you could see how he looks at me like he did that night!!
I miss him :/ But prom is three weeks away so I'll see him then, thank goodness.

I'm suddenly so tired. Maybe it's just the relief of getting these things off my chest and off my mind. Maybe now I can study for my ham radio test and focus more. HAHA wish me luck! I'm gonna need it I'm afraid.

~Mesa

Other Side

It's rare that I really like a poem where I attempt to rhyme. But this one I think came out well and helped me get some of my emotions.. So heres my "Other Side"

Other Side

By Mesa Bailey

April 5, 2010

Oh the words you said,

How they cut me to the core.

Should’ve stuck the path lead,

Because I swear we’ve been here before.

Took the wrong turn,

Could’ve lead my thoughts astray

Sadly the lessons we learn,

When all I want is you to stay!

Forget the lies long since past,

The way they cut like a knife.

Pray this feeling won’t last,

Heartache feels sometimes like taking a life.

All I want is you to understand,

That for you I’ll always wait.

Reaching out for you to simply touch my hand,

And hoping my love isn’t to late!

I put my trust in you,

Now don’t leave me here alone.

Because I’m no longer sure what to do

Somewhere deep inside I should’ve known!

From sea or from the land,

Don’t walk away.

Please stop and take my hand,

And listen to what my heart wants to say!

Oh the words you just said,

How they cut me to the core.

Didn’t listen to my head,

Now I know we’ve been here before..

A Prayer

Well, this is my newest poem.. Not sure why I wrote this or where it came from. It isn't the type of thing I'm normally write so even if you think it's terrible please comment so I can try to fix it.
Thanks!

A Prayer
By Mesa Bailey
March 7, 2010

Gliding through the sky,
On the wings of a dove
Sweet words uttered so softly,
Filling the open air with rays of hope
Gingerly the message it brings.
Though dark and dreary,
Our world may seem
A silver lining resting on your heavenly wing!
Open the clouds and let the whispers in
I wished on a shooting star,
Watching it fall out of view.
Lighting the night.
Fading with trails of truth,
Whisked away by my dreams
Floating above it all,
The sound of the rain,
Sweet music in the air!
Like a dream to you I’ll seem.
Resting on the cold ground below,
You took a chance.
Walking a thin line,
Both sides of truth,
Love and hate.
Oh the decisions we make!
Whisper a prayer into the night,
Right there under the moon
I’ll be by your side.
Gliding through the open air,
Until the days I’ll rest,
On the wings of a dove
My simple prayer!

Pains of Love

Well as of today Indy and I have been together for eight months. (Whoo go us!) We've had our rough patches and even took a break for a while, but we always figure a way to work it out.
A lot of people think that because we're teenagers that we're one of two things, either we're just after each others bodies (which in this case I've heard a lot!) or that we're not REALLY feeling the way we are.

Well I'm frankly tired of being treated like just because I'm 17 that I don't know how I feel. After eight months I think it's safe to say that nobody knows but me how I feel for this boy!

It's only been two weeks since he took me to the hockey game, which is was the best night ever. We spent hours just being together, even the very sucky ride to and from where we weren't aloud to sit together, was very worth it. The whole two hour car ride we barely spoke to each other so thank goodness for cell phones hahaha.
As much as I dislike valentines day, I was really wanting to spend this one with Indy. Well clearly it didn't happen, and neither did the ball which I was heart broken about. You know it wasn't really the ball that I was looking forward to, it was the fact that when I'm not with him I hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. It's like my heart just wants to quit, I don't even know to explain how I feel. I hate to admit it, but I cry so much at night when I can't sleep just because I miss him and it hurts so bad.
You can say that I'm being dramatic, but I'm not! I wish that it hurt this bad, but it does and thats the simple and plain truth.

This saturday is a valentines dance for the stake youth, I'm excited to see him and feel like I'm alive again. I can tell you now, I won't want to go home. Cause I never do when I'm with him, it's like when I'm there with him I can't stop smiling and wishing that I could be like that all the time. I get called "The Emo Loner Indian" all the time, but when I'm with him those same people say I'm more perky and bubbly. I wear a lot of black and prefer to, so that I'm not as noticed and get left ALONE. One of my young womens leaders told me I was a pretty wall flower.
But just because I wear black and leave my hair in my face doesn't mean that I'm not able to let loose and be happy.
Honestly I pretend to be a lot happier then I normally am, you can ask the kids in seminary or read my journal to find that out. I've even pretended a few times with Indy, just because I had things on my mind that I couldn't shake off. Now I'm not saying he or I are perfect, cause we're not. We both say and do things that prove that, but what couple doesn't?!

On that same note, he is perfect. He tries so hard to make me happy and comfortable. He can be so sweet and romantic sometimes, it can get me all chocked up and teary eyed. I feel so pretty and different with him, I feel so safe cause the boy is very protective of me. He won't even do anything like kiss me if he thinks it'll startle me. He even stands up to his family for me, which means more to me then you'd imagine.
He's good at making me feel like the little things that I'm so insacure (yes I know I misspelled it) about like my lips and such, are perfect. Indy knows when and how to say "your beautiful" and "I love you"
Little secret, I like it even when he calls me Catherine. Which has gotten many a person (even brothers) hit pretty hard.

When I look into his amazing hazel eyes I see things that I wish others would take the time to notice too. He'll tell you right quick that I'll sit there and stare into his eyes and have to look away and giggle. I blush so bad every time just because I see how he feels and as though you may not believe it, I listen to his heart beat while looking into his eyes. It sometimes makes me laugh how it'll change beats by what I do. What I really want is for my parents to see how he and I are around each other, and see how he'll look down at me and catch my eye and we'll just sit there until I blush and look away. I think it'd show them that what we feel is true.

I love my Indy, I really do. And I just can't stand being away from him. I've heard it said my whole life that love hurts, but I now understand what that means!
For these are the pains of love!

Missing

Missing

By Mesa Bailey

January 29. 2010

Always putting me down,

Like a piece of yesterday.

Isn’t something missing?

Burred beneath a thousand lies,

Living for the truth

But losing myself in you!

Tears like drops of the falling rain.

Washing over me now

Left alone with only the emptiness,

Such things you won’t say.

Keep holding on,

For what I don’t know!

Foolishly believed in you,

Like a dream,

You’ll slowly fade away.

It’s too late for apologies.

No longer hiding behind a smile,

Going to let the truth shine

Cause your always putting me down,

Thrown away like a piece of yesterday.

Tell me now,

Isn’t someone missing?

Insignificant and small,

You forgot my love.

Couldn’t see the burden on me,

Budded beneath a thousand lies,

If you only knew,

My tears like drops of rain fall.

Pushing you out of my heart!

Till now I’m left alone with only,

What’s missing…

Empty Prince

When I first wrote this, I didn't plan on ANYONE ever reading it. It's one that I will not explain, if you think you know... You don't! Trust me.
But anyway, here is my "Empty Prince"

Empty Prince

By Mesa Bailey

January 16, 2010

Every time I start falling,

You shove me back again.

Just when my heart starts longing,

You show me how I’m wrong.

Holding out hope,

For something that will never be.

A distant memory fading,

You and me!
Knew it was ridiculous,

When I fell for you,

My nightmare turns to reality.

Here without you now.

Always there,

Like a knight in your shining armor.

Heart breaks as you fade away,

Riding into my sunset!

The life you pieced together,

Now shattering on the ground

Cause now when I fall,

You won’t catch my heart.

Shouldn’t hold out hope,

But I can’t let you go.

The Prince of my love,

Breaker of my heart

Oh how ridiculous it seemed,

My once perfect dream!

Burning like fire,

My heart beat for you.

Now smothered in bitter truth,

I never was the princess for you!
Just when I start falling for you,

You shove me back again.

Like a knight with your armor,

You fought back my tears.

Saved me from myself

Now like a fairytale,

We end with a tear.

If only this ending were happy.

Rode in like a prince,

Now breaking my heart!

Knew this was ridiculous,

Doomed from the start!

Cause now every time I fall for you,

You shove me back again.

Forcing me into this empty reality,

Held out hope,

For far to long.

Now my prince is clearly gone.

Riding into the sunset,

My knight in his armor,

The breaker of my heart

And the prince of my love..

No longer falling for you,

Shoving myself back to reality

To face my nightmare,

Knowing I’m alone.
This lonely drifter,

Dreaming to be your princess!
So ridiculous,

To hold out hope for what will never be.

The bitter truth,

Of you and me..

Cause when I fell for you,

You shoved me back again.

Showing me the many ways this was wrong!

Like a dream,

You’ll fade away.

And I’ll face my empty prince..