From an insane teenage mind

Well, after my last blog there's a few things I think I should probably say..

I don't handle my emotions well, I haven't been good at that in about three almost four years. But that is a long and highly personal story I rather not go into at this time..

Every once and while I have a break down and either get intensely angry or I'll get deeply depressed, when either of those happen I normally write to get whatever, out. But sometimes I get pushed by somebody or something and I'll totally blow up on them.. Like I did with Indy last night, I felt so bad. What happened was, I had spent the whole day cleaning and working in the house, I wasn't asked to do most of what I did. I was hurting really bad from my stomache ulcers and was worried about Indy because of things that have gone on.
Well by the end of the day I was very worn out and very tired, so I decided to take a bubble bath. Which isn't something I do a lot, so I was really hoping to be able to relax. I went and filled the tub with water and added a very nice smelling girly stuff. I told everyone I was texting I was going to be gone for a little while then put my hair up.

The water was cold, kids were yelling, my cell phone rang non stop. So there was no way I was going to relax. When I finally gave up and got out of the freezing water, I grabbed my phone to let whoever it was bothering me, have a piece of my mind... Needless to say he's not texted me today lol.
But after a few minutes Indy asked me about the message, I didn't know he had gotten too. So I told him just ignor it. Knowing he wasn't, because it was very clearly an angry message and he's a very caring person.. So when he asked a second time I kinda blew up, I felt really bad right after pushing the send button. He was nice in the way he tried to calm me down and I must have told him I was sorry ten times.
He knew I was stressing out and was tired so he politely changed the subject and we changed to subject.

Later a guy I talk to sometimes, Jacob, he went and read some poems I had posted in myspace and facebook.. He's a pretty cool guy, very southern and calls me "Ma'am" which is weird because he's my age.. But he's still cool, he was asking me about one of my poems. He said it was very emotional and worried him because it was one of my more depressed poems. I think it was "Breaking me" which I wrote about three almost four years ago...
Then he asked a question that rather shocked me, he asked me about another poem of mine.. One wrote at the same time "Breaking Me" was, one only two other people know about. My close friend Jo (who commited suicide a few months back) and my exboyfriend Zack.. Oh I forgot, my gay friend Rich read it once.. But anyway, Jacob quoted it and totally freaked me out because I burned that poem shortly after Rich read it!
He said that he was worried because that was the most emotional and the hardest thing he had ever heard, and he didn't want anything bad happening.
I kinda in a round about way explained it to him, without letting him know anything.. Then I asked him how in the world he had heard about it, I wasn't suprized to find out that Zack and told him about it when he and I were "going out" last year..

Before you jump to concusions, it was a poem that a bishop told me to write in order to get out those bottled up feelings. He had me write about four poems that said everything I was feeling and everything I thought. Then he told me to never read them again and burn them..
He was my favorite bishop because his daughter was my best friend for a while, he was also one of the people to help me over come one of the worst times of my life. Without asking any questions, knowing I'm not a person to talk about my thoughts or emotions..
He knew just enough to keep an eye on somebody.. I miss that bishop!!

So in other news, Indy asked me to go to his Cadet (think I spelled that right) ball. It's two days before valentines day. It's like a prom.. Sorta.. I have to dress up all pretty and see him in his ROTC uniform :-D I'm rather excited about going. A little nervous about it though.
Mom's got her friend from high school going to take some pictures of us all dressed up and then we're going to go and dance.. It's my first non-mormon dance... It should be pretty cool.. Haha
Just have to decide on a dress that'll make me look totally hott! See I have a hard time with self estem sometimes... Ok most of the time... So when I have to dress up I feel really,... Out of place.. So I want to feel like I'm pretty for once. With the dresses I got a while back, I think I shoud be able to do that.
I'm going to ask mom to make me up and make me look all nice and stuff (I like it when she does it. She does an awesome job!) Just hope I don't to girly!

Wow, I write to much! I think I'll shut up now.. Probably bored you to death, IF that is there is somebody other then me reading this...
TTFN
~Mesa

Invisible

I've been trying to write a really good poem, but this is what came out... Hmm...

Invisible

By Mesa Bailey

January 8, 2010

I sense there’s something missing,

From your perfect dream

Just look me in the eyes,

See the light from within.

The heart longing for you,

Seemingly invisible,

I’m left in the shadows.

Wishing on a bright silver star,

For one day you’ll see my love.

Until that blissful time,

I’ll be invisible.

Holding onto my heart,

You don’t want to see,

That I’m clearly yours!
I can see that empty space,

In your perfect fantasy

The one thing missing,

You can’t see.

Right there in front of you.

With the light in my eyes,

Just waiting to be seen

Holding onto an invisible dream!

Sensing something missing in me,

Always the one thing you won’t see.

In Time

In Time

By Mesa Bailey

January 5, 2010

Looking out at the world,
Stuck on the inside
Lost from within.

Slowly it passes me by.

Whispers in the wind,

Reminding me I’m alone.

The moons radiant light,

Washing over worlds below

Trapped beyond compare,

Life casting it’s shadow.

Frozen in wonder,

Just leave me there.

Masking the sun,

Beyond the clouds

So far out of reach!

Cause I’m looking out at the world,

Spinning around me now

Pushing it all away,

As rain dances across my face.

Frozen in time,

Waiting for you,

Sweet peace...

My madness spilling out

So I doubt anybody even reads my blog... But if I'm wrong and there IS somebody out there reading this, then just bare with me as my thoughts come out.. With no fingers pointed at anyone..

Okay, I'm 17 years old that does NOT mean that I don't have stress. Because believe it or not people I have so much stress that I have stomache ulcers, which make me throw up everything I eat. But luckly it's been five days since I threw up last. I also have gone to a teen therapist a time or two, which did no good because his advice sucked and was no help what so ever...

This is how my week has been, I broke up with my boyfriend Indy after six months and eleven days.. It totally crushed my heart and nothing has ever hurt so bad, I speant three days praying and crying like a baby. I didn't even want to put on clothes and wouldn't unless I had to.
While him and I were "taking time to think" I found out that this friend of mine (who was kinda cute and liked me) has a child and is engaged.. Made me sick at my stomache..
So I called my sister because I was hurting so bad over the break up and the reasons for the break up, that I needed her support and comfort.. Here is out the phone call went: (In tears) "Hello? Girl it's me, Mesa... We broke up. I was walking in walmart crying. I can't believe we broke up" (totally cheering) "Mesa that's great! hahaha wow, how long was that anyway? Good for you!"

How is that suppose to cheer me up? I was in tears and she cheered... Honestly it made me feel like she stabbed my already broken heart.. When we got off the phone I tossed my cell phone over across the room (easy to do it in a trailer) as I layed back on my parents bed and picked up my pin again, I hear the Hamster dance playing on my cell phone. Knowing who it was I rushed to pick it back up and whipe away my tears, it was a friend.... One I've written about before here: http://themadnessofmesa.blogspot.com/2009/08/does-that-chapter-end-or-is-it-only.html
He was on his way to pick up his date for the night but he wanted to check and make sure I was ok.. He didn't cheer when I told him about Indy and I breaking up, but he was the support I needed at the time. Since he was driving to get his date we didn't talk long, but it was long enough to make me feel better.

In four days I was asked out by guys I know a total of 28 times.. Holy cow, on one hand that made me feel good about myself. On the other it made it hurt so much more because the one I wanted, was my ex-boyfriend Indy..
After a long and very very hard four days we got back together and things have been going pretty good. Laughing and smiling more now.

So the other night I was playing around on my myspace and talking to my friend David, when I saw I had a message from a guy in my stake who I went totally nuts for a few years ago. He's the tall southern country boy, you know, he had deep brown eyes and could dance oh my gosh! But what made me stop liking him was at my first youth confrence I walked out into the hallway and found him making out, he had set me up by pretending he liked me back then leading me out into the hallway to find him locking lips with some other girl! Some jerk right. Well his message was awkward and freakish because, well here's what he said to me. "Hey beautiful! Missed you at the dance, I only went to see you... Last time I saw you, you were always around that whats his face, well until I came and got my baby from you after it. Well um can I get your cell number so I can maybe call sometime?"
BABY?!! That was HIS baby? I just found a child in the hall alone so I stopped to play with it. Turns out mister cute country boy has a two year old child and is also engaged... My problem was why in the world would he ask me for my number when he's suppost to get married soon?...

Needless to say I think men are totally confusing and have learned theres a ton of creeps in the world. LOL..

This whole week I've been missing my friend, since her suicide I've leanred who my real friends are, and more importantly who their not.. I was wishing I could talk to her and she'd give me her advice and make things make sense once again.
But insted I put all my focus into "Mesaba" my candle busisnees. Today I set up my first display in the Herb shop, I was kinda proud of my self as I stepped back to look at my work and took in the smells of some of my favorites. Now I don't look for mesaba to make a lot of money or anything, but it's kinda fun so we'll see.

It's really gotten my mind off not getting into to collage like I so badly wanted.. I'm not sure if I'll ever get into a massage collage :-( but somewhere deep inside me I'm still holding out hope for UCMT...

All things considered, my week sucked. But could've been a lot worse, Indy and I could've not gotten back together. I could've lost Possum (which came close to happening)
So as long as I learned from all this it's a good thing... Right???

Breaking Me

Breaking me
By Mesa Bailey

No longer your here,
But my scars never leave.
Waking is so hard to do,
And it's all because of you!

I'm alone and yet your eyes,
They burn into my soul.
Searching for my broken heart,
Each tiny piece you once stole.

So close but so far away!
From all the things I have to say.

Your no longer here,
But I'm still quaking in fear.
Never going to show a tear..

The rain is falling,
I hear sweet freedom calling!
But you won't let me go,
Fearing I might show,
All my pain and sorrow.

Forever reaching for tomorrow!

Somebody wake me from me nightmare.
Because your still there.

Like Glass

You know most of the time I say I'm not going to explain my writing? Well this time I'm going to, other wise this one could seem to way different from what it really is.
Have you ever had one of those times when things add up and become to much? That's kinda how my last few weeks have been, so I sat down and tried to get some of my trapped emotions out in a none violent, peaceful way and writing is almost the only way for me to do that.
"Like Glass" is how I felt at that time, you know seemingly strong but oh so easy to break and in some ways broken. So this is what came out...

Like Glass
By Mesa Bailey
December 18, 2009

Started off so perfectly,
The simple way you loved me.
Watching as we fall apart now,
Hearts shatter like glass.
Can’t hide the tears anymore,
Because their falling like rain!
Washing over us now
It’s coming down to the truth,
The one thing you never said.
Never meant for this,
Didn’t mean for the pain!
I keep holding on,
For what I don’t know
Cause you keep letting me go.
Falling so far,
Waiting to wake from this nightmare
Reach out to me,
Pull me close and never let go!
All your lies linger now,
They fill my head with fear.
Just tell me the truth,
For once let me in
To see the side of you that’s real.
We started off so perfectly,
All the peace you gave me
Falling apart!
Broken by the words unspoken
Oh for that simple way you loved me,
So distant now it’s seems.
You stand there watching me,
As my heart shatters like glass!

Reality

Okay, somethings just don't have to be explained... How ever I'm afraid this one does, you see I'm at a point right in my life where I've got a lot to think about and deal with. To be perfectly clear and honest, this is not pointed at anyone.. I'm not real sure where it came from, but it here it is. Take what you will from it.

Reality

By Mesa Bailey

December3, 2009

Every time I reach for the sky,

Gravity pulls me back into reality.

Weight of the world crushing down,

Just praying peace to swiftly come,

All on my own,

I’m lost without you now.

The sun so out of reach,

Though despair at my feet.

Can’t always see through the dark,

But the hope of light pushing on

Because when I’m reaching for the stars,

Reality pulls me back away.

Tainted by the twisted fates,

Holding out for something true

The air so thick between us,

Rapidly filling with all we don’t say.

Weight of the world on my mind,

Praying peace to find

Just let me reach for the sky,

Defy the cruelty of this dark reality.

Comfort my soul,

Because I’m lost without you now,

Standing on my own!

Reaching for the light,

Peace so soon to find.

Every time I reach for the sky,

Gravity pulls me back to face

My reality….