Christmas

This Christmas was quite different for me, it's the first Christmas without Manti here and it's also my last Christmas at home with my parents.. So there was a lot of emotion for me, the day we put up our tree and decorated the house I broke down and cried, I called my friend Mary Cate and told her how I felt and she was there for me.

I deal with my mising Manti differently than the others in my house, I try not to show just how much I miss having him here to hit me in the elbow with a spoon or pinch the under side of my arms. I don't let anyone know how badly I miss riding with him in the car and the both of us listening to his music and talking about EVERYTHING. I've barely cried about his not being here for the simple fact of I know he's doing God's work and he's out doing what he's always dreamed of..

I knew Christmas he'd be calling or skyping us, I was super excited to talk to him. I had written him a long letter the night John and I got engaged and I hadn't gotten anything from Manti about it yet so I was kinda nervously excited for him to say something about that. John was over for Christmas so I wanted him to talk to Manti as well, so when Manti finally got on skype I sat there beside John on the couch and we waited for our turn to talk to him. It felt like forever before we got to talk to him and I was going nuts, so when we finally got our turn first thing he said to me was "What the heck is that yellow thing in your hair?" I had put a yellow ribbon in my hair since it was Christmas lol. John and I stood there and talked to him a little then he said with tears in his eyes "As for your question in your letter, get married! I've prayed about it and y'all have too so go ahead and do it. I'll be there one way or another and you know it. Part of me going on my mission is so others can start and live their lives so don't feel about me not being there. I love you. But it better be in the temple or I'll kill him!"

I could barely hold my tears when he said that. I had prayed about the date to be married and I felt the one we had was right but it hurt that my brother wouldn't be there. So in my letter to him I told him how I felt, I said I wanted his honest opinion on it.

After my turn with Manti was over I turned to John hugged him and all the sudden all tear control went out the window. I cried and cried on his shoulder, I felt kinda bad for getting makeup on him but I was very glad he was there to catch me.

After a little while my parents were still talking to him and I went outside, the second my foot touched the ground I started crying again. For saddness and joy. I missed Manti so much I couldn't fight it, I thought of the fact of him not being here for Christmas and missing my wedding. Then it hit me, I'm getting married.. Holy crud monkeys I'm getting married and I have Manti's blessing on it. Wow!

As far as my Christmas goes, it was one of the best! It was sad at times but I decided to not linger on the sad but in stead relish in the good. I was with the greatest man I've ever known, I got to talk to my big brother, I was spending time with my family and we all were giving and enjoying each others company.

It may be my last Christmas at home as a Bailey, and it may've been the first Christmas without Manti, but I still count it as a great Christmas!

New Blessings

Well, since my last blog a lot has happened...

John and I go to family home evening together sometimes so a couple weeks ago he sent me a message and said he was coming, he asked if I wanted him to pick me up so I said sure and he came and got me. We went and watched a conference blip had some hot cider and then we headed home. He was tense about something but I couldn't figure it out so I just sat back and watched him.

So we're driving down this one narrow road and it was dark and slightly foggy, we're just talking and enjoying spending time together when this big buck jumped out and jumped into the side of the car, it shattered his mirror and had his window not been down it would've broken that too. Glass hit us both in the face and totally freaked me out. My nerves were fried, he was driving so I kept watching him to see if he was cut. So he said we'd make a stop and I thought we'd get out check the car and I'd check him out to make sure he wasn't bleeding.. We pulled over by the lake, where we've spent a few of our days.

He wasn't hurt and I only had a few scratchs so since our nerves were wound up so tightly we decided to walk around the lake like we normally do. He kept looking up at the sky and I asked him "Hun, whatcha looking at?" he paused for a minute then said he was looking at the starts so I stopped and looked up, the stars were bright and beautiful not a cloud in sight and the reflection off the water was breath taking.

While I'm getting lost in thougt and stars I felt John pull on my hand a little, I turned to see what he needed and he was down on his knee.. My heart pretty much stopped for a second and I ask him "John honey what are you doing?" tears filled my eyes as I looked down at him and caught to look of his eyes, he was chocked up and said after a few seconds "Mesa marry me" I was in tears. I was over joyed. I was so happy I couldn't speak, I just kissed him and cried.

He stood up and held me tight then began dancing in the beautiful glow of the moon, and at the same time cars pulled in at the lake and their head lights were on us so it was as if we had our very own spot light. As we danced he sang our song to me, our song is very sweet and special to the both of us.

After we danced I saw in his pretty green eyes the faint shimmer of tears too.

We were both beyond happy, that feeling defies all words.

It's been two weeks today since that night, and I still wake up every morning checking my hand to make sure it's not some beautiful dream. I'm over joyed to say it's not, it's reality.. I'm gonna marry the sweetest most incredible person I've ever been blessed to know. I'm gonna marry my best friend in the temple and be able to have him with me for eternity. Every day no matter what hard ships I have to deal with, no matter the bad things that happen during my day I know that my Heavenly Father gave me this person and has given me the chance to make the right choices, so if He can trust me with such an amazing thing then John and I can make it through the dark days and the hard times IF we rely on the Lord and continue doing what's right. :)

I've never in my life been this happy, and I'm very grateful for this blessing! :D

A Girls Dream

A Girls Dream

October 24 2011

Oh the matters of the heart

How it becomes every girls dream,

Simply put to some

While complicated to others it does seem.

My heart it ever belongs to you

Quite simple, sweet and true.

And though miles us do separate,

I know for sight of you and the brilliant glow of your smile

Every precious moment worth the wait.

Till I'm at your side once more

The beatings of my heart sound as a lions roar!

What matters to my heart,

Is that it's yours.

My every dream sweetly lies

In those beautifully soft green eyes.

With your hand in mine,

We'll leave our past behind.

Oh the matters of the heart

Easy to see the reflection in our eyes,

Hold me close and pray this love never dies.

While simple to see for some,

Others whisper 'it's a girls dream'

But what matters to my heart

Is it ever belongs to you...

New relationships

I've had a friend for a while whom I had met at my very firt YSA thing, I thought he was cute but I was in a relationship at the time so we became pretty good friends.

As time passed we talked more and more and I started to like him, so I invited him to come down to the powwow I was going to and he actually came. We hung out and had a great time, when he went to leave I did everything I could think of to stall and keep him there because I just didn't want that day to end.

Sometime after that we started dating, he asked me a couple times to be his girlfriend and I said no because I had been so hurt in the past and I felt like I wasn't worth much so I turned him down. He knew I really liked him and was a little scared so he didn't push and we kept up our talking.

So I don't know how long we've been boyfriend-girlfriend but we very much are, our relationship isn't like others how ever.. We pray together and we read scriptures together as well, he isn't that kinda guy that has to kiss me all the time or constantly have his arm around or whatever. He's very laid back and respectful of me, he knows I don't like being touched so most of the time I grab his hand or hug him.

I find myself being completely open and honest with him, we have no secrets from each other, even on the bad things, and I for one am very glad of that.

But there's something more, it's almost impossible to explain really. I struggle to find words that come close to describing it but he makes me feel important and special, I know I matter to him and there have been times where I just needed him so he dropped everything and drove and hour and a half just to be with me for an hour or two. I know if I need him he'll be there, and that he'll be there when I just want him to be. (which is beyond awesome)

I don't know, I see myself differently with him. I have been able to look at myself in the mirror and say "hey! even with no makeup on I'm pretty!" and that is so weird to me! Me? Pretty? Yeah three months ago I couldn't say that.. The first time he called me a lady I broke down and cried... And now he lets me know every day that I'm a daughter of God and that I am a lady no matter what anyone else says. Morgan says he's turning me into a girl, hahaha.

And I in turn am always trying to boost him up and let him know how special he is, he's a convert to the church and he's so in love with the gospel. It amazes me how many times we discuss the gospel and scriptures, it's really cool when I'm able to tell my boyfriend "Verse 8 stuck out at me because.." and for him to say "Hey I liked this chapeter in Alma you should go check it out" it helps us grow closer as a couple and grow closer to our Heavenly Father as well.

There was one time I was very depressed and thinking about some things that had happened in the past and John sat there and listened to me then without a moments delay he told me to pray about it and that he would do the same and he said if I had the faith enough that my hurt would stop it'd stop. And it did.

He may be a convert but he teaches me so much and helps me realize things about the church I hadn't ever paid attention to. I love that! It's like looking at the church with another set of eyes.

Well this saturday I'm going to meet his family and have dinner with them, now normally here is where I would say that I'm completely nervous and worried but in this case it'd be a lie. I'm nothing less than excited and happy about it, he is the only memeber in his family but they sound like very nice kind hearted people. And who wouldn't want to meet the family of the person their in love with?

Our relationship is far different from anything I've ever known and many different reasons can be given for that, but what I know is that at this point in our lives we are meant to be together and that only John could make me happy in the ways that he does. What time may hold, only our Heavenly Father can reveal to us.. But for now, I enjoy the chances to get closer and spend every second getting to know him even better. Even though few know me better, and those few could only be my parents and my brother.

But between us, answers to prayers come in mysterious ways sometimes. :) Even when we don't mean to be looking for them..

I had planned to write Manti a dear john letter after he got in the feild, I made Manti a deal before he left, well it wasn't so much a deal as much as me saying "No! Not gonna happen till you get back!" so my plan was to write him a letter and basically break up with him and tell him that he was right and that I was sorry blah blah blah, well John and I started dating and I realized "oh crud, Manti was right.." and Manti being my best friend I wanted to be the one to tell him about John and I dating, so I asked everyone to not say anything till I did but somebody wrote Manti and told him about "Mesa's boyfriend" which made me a little mad because there was a very important reason I was waiting to tell him, so I get this email from Manti that said;

"I know what you've been up to ;) and if you both it's right let nno man stand your way. Not that you would anyway. ;)" and it shocked me worse than finding a snake in your sock drawr. So I wrote him back a long letter explaining most everything, but knowing how in tune with the spirit he is right now that he'd know the rest without me having to say it.

I'm still gonna dear john him, just gonna wait a bit longer so it'll catch him off guard. haha

Outta be interesting ;)

Answers to Prayers

Answers to prayers are mysterious things, sometimes they come right away and other times they come when you least expect it or sometimes you simply quit thinking about it move on and by "accident" you find the answers when you aren't looking anymore..

Last tuesday it was my turn to give the lesson in my young single adult groups family home evening and I had talked to my friend to try and come up with a topic. When I teach I like my lessons to be personal, spiritual , and thought provoking. So finding a personal topic was a little tricky. Sunday came along and I still didn't have any idea for a lesson.. I was starting to worry a little bit because everybody was depending on me to have a good lesson. So the pressure was on and I wasn't feeling the lesson planning spirit.
I had been thinking so hard on planning a lesson that I didn't pay attention to the answers I was getting pertaining to other more important matters.
I in earlier blogs I had mentioned a change I felt coming and I had somewhat an idea of what it might be but when I prayed about it, it became clear that it wasn't time for me to know yet. Annoying right?
So I began preparing of changes without a sure knowledge of what I was preparing for, saturday night I was reading with my friend who I really really liked, and I found some Scripture by accident that basically told me the answers. When I read it I fell to my knees and with tears in my eyes I prayed and asked "Is this REALLY my answer?" and I asked that if it be my answer that I know without doubt in unshakable a surety that it was my answer..
Sunday afternoon I went to a friends house to spend the day since we had a fireside later that night, and on the wall I saw the words "1st John 4:7" and that made me curious, if you know me you know my curiosity is intense so I became very antsy until I came home and read that chapter. Lots of things were on my mind that day and I kept praying over and over asking "is this really it? Am I taking what I want from this or is it really the spirit?" and I devoted my every single thought to finding out if it was me or the spirit.
Thus I got a great idea, people at church have been trying to set me up with people and have been doing all sorts of butting in concerning me and it bugged me. So I decided to do a little research on the topic of following the spirit, and give my lesson on that.
I found soo many things that I needed and that not only proved to me what I was feeling regarding my answer, but it had gotten pounded into my heart that it was indeed the spirit and not my own desires to the point that I couldn't deny what was going on.. I prepared my lesson and upon Tuesday my friend knew about my lesson and was kinda doing the same soul searching and questioning that I was, so he(hint) came to my FHE group, I was over joyed he was there because it was not only moral support but it was proof on another matter as well. As I'm giving the lesson I started to choke up in front of everyone, but not only because I'm super nervous having to talk in front of all them. But because I'm a crier, when I feel something strongly I cry, and the spirit was so strong I couldn't fight it. After all I did ask for it to be so clear even I couldn't deny it.. Guess I kinda had that coming huh..
My lesson went well and everyone said they needed. But today in stake conference one of the speakers said the same things I had in my lesson. I was blown away, after all the work I put into my lesson and the experience I had with it, they reassured it to me yet again that it really wasn't me. The kicker of that is, everyone that spoke in conference was told not to give the talk they wrote, but to follow whatever the spirit told them.. Kinda awesome isn't it? So sometimes answers come when you least expect it and sometimes when you ask for it to be unmistakably clear, it'll get proven everyday until you admit it. In my case, it's still being proven everyday. Which is awesome because it's the extra boost I need to continue following it, through the hard times.

A little bit of this and a little of that, it all adds up!

Manti is gone now, I watched him leave and I fought back my emotions to deal with it.. I came home and didn't get upset when I saw his jacket or tripped over something he left in the floor, I did really well reading a sweet note he left me and I held it together when I started work on his room.

And then, the other night I went to bed and decided I was going to read some hymns and fall asleep. I had a ton of thoughts going through my head because my best friend and I had some,... deep, conversation that was pretty intense. I was confused at MY end of the talk and my own personal feelings on the matter so I just wanted to read hymns and put it out of mind for the night. Which I did, I read the whole hymn book and put in a good movie and fell asleep..

Every now and then I have this horrible nightmare that is just a memory of something in my past that I rather not talk about, and it's a very difficult thing for me to dream all the time. Some times I wake up screaming, others I just wake up in a panic of sweat and tears. So in the middle of the night I wake up from this terrible nightmare and I grab my teddy bear(yes I sleep with a bear get over it) and I run to Manti's room like I always do, only this time I burst through the door in tears and to my surprise he's not there... I stood there for a moment remember he's on a mission and I fell to the flood and cried so much harder, I cried because I was scared and hurting, I cried because the one person who always sat there and said "It's ok your safe now" wasn't there.. I was alone in his room and knew that for two years he's not gonna be there for me to run to.
I can't tell you how much it killed me to have to realize that!

I settled down and was ok with him not being here until a couple nights later..

A guy I had some really bad battles with, who had totally trashed my self esteme and made me feel as ugly and worthless as running shoes for a snake,.. Came back and left me a voice mail, as soon as I heard his voice a freaked out because of the vile and nasty things he had sai to me before and I quickly deleted the voivemail before listening. Then I fell to my knees and prayed to have the spirit with me and that this guy would leave and never come back to my life. I sat there and cried for a long time remembering the things he called me and how horrible he made me feel about myself, so I turned to my best friend, I sent him a long email telling him what happened and since he already knew that situation because he too got accosted by this same guy, he aloud me to just talk my feelings out then he as always, prayed with me and it wass over. I've not heard from that guy since and I'm quite thankful for that, I'm also grateful that my friend was there and willing to let me just cry. He didn't have to make me feel better just let my feel what I felt and let me be ok.
Then once again I had to realize that my brother wasn't there to protect me and make me feel better. Manti's always fought for me and with me, he stood up to that guy in the past and he made me feel safe. With out Manti I've always felt kinda scared because people aren't affraid to get in my face cuss me out or try to hurt me if Manti isn't around, with Manti there is no way anyone will do that. So him being gone is really hard for me, partly because he's always been with me and he's the one person I could always count on no matter what I did and I never once felt like he didn't love me.. And partly because I safety net was knowing that he'd had my back in everything.

But, it's been over a week and I've been doing alright. I still miss him dearly but know he's doing the Lord's work and that these issues that keep popping up on me are just things to try and stand in the way of that work. I have had to completely lean on the Lord and trust him fully, so I know without a doubt that even without my big brother and protector that I'll be alright. I can and will handle what ever, with the help of the Lord so I don't need to worry. Two years is a long time when you're in the moment, but I know one day I'll look back and be like "Hey! that flew by so quickly and I wouldn't trade that time for anything"

Mission time

I've got little less than two weeks before Manti leaves for his mission, I'm still kinda feeling like it's just a dream and I don't really have to wake up from it. I mean I know he's leaving, but it still feels like it ain't happening.

I'm not really dealing with it to be honest. Mom's been a lot of that for me, and that's ok she's his mother and it's really hard for her to let any of us go.

I'm just worried that when he leaves it'll hit me harder than a ton of bricks. He's gonna be gone for a while and he's kinda starting his own life without me. And I'm a little scared of that, I don't wanna lose my big brother and I guess I'm scared that when he comes back we won't be close anymore.
To spite all that, I'm excited for him! He's serving the Lord and he's bringing people the knowledge that he loves and treasures so I'm happy he's doing what he loves.
Besides, he gets to help people the way he's helped me and after watching the missionaries in our area I know he's gonna be a great one, and he's gonna enjoy it a lot.

Two years is gonna fly by, I just know it.